Day 13: Self Care

Let's start with some good news...mom's MRI came back with no signs of brain cancer. Boy, we needed some good news! Not sure why she is experiencing some of the memory loss, but grateful it is not because cancer has invaded her brain!

Mom and dad learned this information because they made a trip to the cancer center today. Mom has been breaking out in a rash and is itching like crazy. They went in to make sure it wasn't related to the port. Apparently it is not. The staff suggested Benadryl and that seems to be working. While mom and dad were at the cancer center, the staff sort of whispered to them the news about the MRI. I guess the doctor is really supposed to relate that information, but the staff felt like mom and dad needed some good news. They were right!

Tomorrow mom and dad will meet with their primary care doctor to discuss the blood sugar issues. Hopefully some resolution will come from that.

Then there's me today...I'm really starting to feel the affects of the past couple of weeks. I have always carried my stress in my shoulders and they have really been giving me trouble the past couple of days. And I just have found myself not being able to deal with any little stresses...not to mention the bigger stresses. I'm trying to figure out the whole childcare issue so I can be sure to be around for mom. I've got a client that is having some issues of her own and I need to be there for her as well. Other family stuff. Job stuff. Just the basics...but the basics seem so much bigger right now.

I am VERY good at taking care of other people. I am TERRIBLE at taking care of myself. But today was my one day to try to get in just a little self care. I had a Chiropractic appt this morning and got quite an adjustment. And then I had an appt with my ND this afternoon and got myself some good supplements to help my nervous and immune systems and my adrenals to try and keep me on an even keel. I have always been someone that carries my own stress plus everyone else's, so this has always been an issue for me. But I'm smart enough to know that I really need to get on top of this right now so I can be at my best to take care of mom and dad and my kids and my clients.

So, I do feel better tonight than I did this morning. Even though life just seems to keep throwing stuff my way. I just have to believe things are going to work out. It's all I've really got right now. Of course, I say all that through tears. :-O

And I worry about those closest to me as well. I worry about burdening them constantly with my emotions. I try to hold it together for the kids. But I'm starting to think I need to find a support group or a group of people that really understand what I'm going through right now so that I can let it out there because holding it all in isn't really healthy. I worry about over burdening my friends a lot. They're jumping through hoops for me and I have never been good at asking for, or accepting, help so this is all new to me. But how much can people really take? How much help can people really provide? How much is too much? It's a question I wonder every day and every time I ask for even more help.

And I'm trying to figure out how to wade my way through all of this. I actually spent some time considering how I could move closer to my parents, knowing right now, it's just not possible. I feel like I just need to be with them all the time. But I have to keep remembering that I'm doing the best I can I guess. I'm trying. Trying to figure out what I'm supposed to learn from all this. Trying to figure out the lessons. Trying to be a good mother, a good daughter, a good partner, a good friend, a good childbirth educator and doula, a good woman...and wondering how I keep up all of those roles without failing someone.

So, I feel weighted down by a lot of stuff. And I don't want to weigh down those around me. It's an interesting conundrum. This is a role I'm not accustomed to. And one I'm apparently not very good at yet.

Lots of self reflection today I guess. A little self care. I suppose that's necessary every now and then to help me keep taking these steps forward in this journey.