Day 26: No More

~ For those of you who are family and friends who are reading this, please don't share this blog post with mom and dad. I don't know how much they're wanting this word to spread right now, but I need to get it out for myself tonight ~

As of today, she's done with chemo.

I called for my daily check in today. Dad was obviously upset. He said that things weren't good. He ultimately couldn't tell me and put mom on the phone. She told me through tears that she was done with chemo.

Again...another punch in the gut.

But the first thing I told her was that I would support her in whatever decision she needed to make. I told her that I have never wanted her to do chemo for anyone but herself. She told me that meant a lot to her. She was very scared and sad. She's experiencing new symptoms and she just doesn't want to do it anymore. How can I blame her for that? How can I insist she keep fighting when I'm not living in her body?

But dammit I want to! I want to convince her to fight. I am terrified right now. I'm not ready for this.

But ultimately it's not about me.

Dad is devastated. He was obviously very upset. After mom couldn't talk anymore, dad got back on the phone and I told him I was sorry. I asked him how he was. And I could hear his voice shaking. He said, "I guess it doesn't really matter how I feel." I told him it mattered a lot how he felt. He then said, "I guess I'm just being selfish. I just don't want to be alone." I'm in tears typing this right now. My parents are both hurting so much. My dad feels so powerless throughout this. He's been fighting right alongside mom and he's frustrated that she doesn't want to fight anymore. I understand that. I totally understand his perspective. But I also understand mom's. And there's simply just no middle ground.

So, mom and dad have an appointment on Monday with mom's Oncologist. A part of me wants to hope that he will tell her something that will convince her to go forward with the chemo. Mom's emotions go up and down every day and some days are better than others. Perhaps when she has a better day, she'll change her mind. She doesn't have another chemo session scheduled until the 24th. But tonight, she really sounded done.

And so my head is spinning. I had to observe another instructor tonight and my head just wasn't there. I don't want to work. I don't want to function as a normal human being because I don't feel like a normal human being. And yet, I keep pulling it together. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and just one step and I will completely fall apart. I feel like if I even let anyone else in to help take care of me, I will completely fall apart and there will be no return. I'm pushing people away. I'm pulling it together. I'm taking care of others. That's what I do. But inside of me, it's bubbling up...I can feel it. And I keep fighting it. Because I have to. But, believe me, there is a huge part of me that just wants to let it happen. And I wonder when it will all hit. And it scares me.

But so much scares me right now. I'm not ready to lose my mom. I'm just not. It's been 26 days. 26 days! I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready for hospice and morphine. I can't stand the thought of my mom suffering. I can't stand the thought of living without her. Yes, I know parents die. But not yet. It's just not supposed to be yet. How do I live in this world without my mom? I don't know how to do it and I don't want to.

As of today, my mom has stopped taking steps forward. As of today, each small goodbye means even more than before. I want to believe things will change. But if I live in today, I have to face this decision. No matter how much I don't want to.