Pedestals

When I started this blog, it was for me. I know that many people read it now, but I still try to be true to myself and not write for anyone else. Today's post may not be enjoyable for some people to read, but this is where I am today and it's important to ME. So, you've been warned. Don't read any further if you don't want to.

Today is my 41st birthday. I have been dreading this day. I felt a terrible sense of loss looming. I have written about it a couple of times here. I expected that I would feel very sad today on my first birthday after my mom died. No birthday card would be coming from my mom. It would be noticeable. However, I had no idea what would truly be noticeably missing.

I ended up spending 20 hours at a birth that rolled into my birthday. This is the 2nd year in a row that I've had a client have her baby on my birthday. I rang in my birthday at Midnight with a client dealing with a long and difficult birth. And as the clock turned Midnight, an overwhelming sadness took over me. I wasn't surprised. I had plans for this day. I had wanted to go to the cemetery. But I knew that on no sleep, I couldn't drive up there today. It wasn't safe. And I was sad about that.

But by the time I was driving home, around 3:30am, I was feeling upbeat about my birthday. As I drove onto my street, a bright light shone from out of the sky. It made me stop my car and look at it. It was simply the nearly full moon shining through a patch of clouds. But it lit up the sky and seemed to be speaking just to me. I felt something that said it was okay not to go to the cemetery today. That it was not a necessary trip. That today was going to hold something else. Something I needed to experience and honor. It gave me a sense of calm. When I got home, I took a shower and crawled into bed around 4am. I slept for about 2 hours when the boys got up and I rose with them to start my day.

But what hit me when I got up was something I didn't expect. I was feeling something I didn't quite understand. When I woke, my initial gut reaction was, "It's my birthday, I wonder if mom will call me today." That was my reaction because that's what I thought on every birthday during my adulthood. My mom never called me on my birthday. Yes, she sent a card. Yes, she sent money. But she never called. She never went out of her way to wish me a Happy Birthday and over the years, it started to build up. About 4 years ago, it really peaked and I actually didn't talk to mom all day. I normally would cave around dinner time and call her. But 4 years ago I didn't give in and I didn't speak to my mom on my birthday. And it kind of broke my heart.

I can't imagine not talking to my kids on their birthdays. They are such gifts to me. Their birthdays are incredibly important to me. And I'll admit that while growing up, my mom gave me some nice birthday parties. But once I hit adulthood, apparently she just didn't feel the need to even make a phone call.

But she also repeated to me over and over during the course of my life that the day of my birth was the worst day of her life. Yes...she said that. Out loud. To my face. And no, I don't think she was really kidding. And even if she was...why would you say that to your child? Over and over throughout the course of their life?

And this morning...all of that came rushing back in a flood of emotions. And I realized that many of my birthdays were wrapped up in wanting to be with my mom or hear from my mom because I wanted that validation that my birthday was important to the woman that gave it to me. But I'm not really sure that it was. Maybe not until last year. And I'll take that and I'll honor it. And I am grateful for the fences that were mended last year. But it was very obvious to me when I awoke this morning that I have work left to do. My birthday brought a renewal of deep seated feelings. And I thought to myself...today my mom will not call me...not because she won't, but because she can't. And as ugly as it sounds to say it out loud, there is a part of me that feels more comfortable with that today. I have not sat around waiting for her to call. I did not make a pilgrimage to the cemetery to find that connection that I tried to find every year on my birthday. I didn't "need" that this year. I found the connection I needed last year. I do believe many old wounds were healed. But today, on THIS birthday, the day became very noticeably MINE. And in some small, confusing, hard-to-understand way, it gave me a sense of peace on this day alone.

I will go to the cemetery on Mother's Day and I will cry for all I have lost because I DO miss my mom. Terribly. I will go to the cemetery on her birthday and mourn the fact that she will never see another birthday and that breaks my heart. Truly. I miss my mom. I miss what I feel like we were just starting to understand about each other. None of that is changed by what I feel today. But today was freeing in a way that no day has been in a long time.

I read somewhere that when someone dies, we put them up on a pedestal and we remember all the good things and forget the negative. That makes sense. But I also remember reading that there are times during grief, that the pedestal comes down a bit as we start coming to terms with reality and remembering more specifics about the one we lost. I believe today was a piece of that. I think it's actually healthy. Even though it does still sound kind of ugly to say it all "out loud" for the world to see and hear. But it is my truth and this is my blog and it is my birthday and I get to say what I want. :-)

I don't know why my mom chose to have me when she didn't want me. I don't know if she did it because that was what was expected of her. I don't know if she felt she had no other choice. I don't know any of the answers. But she did have me. She did give me my birthday and I honor that today. She raised me well and I appreciate all that she gave me. I miss her dearly. Every day.

But I am taking back my birthday. I don't have to look for her love or approval on this day anymore. And I am making this day mine again. I don't have to sit and wait for her to call anymore and get more and more worked up as the day goes on. This day belongs to me. Today I had many e-mails and facebook messages and texts from friends and family. I feel loved. In years past all those people could have done the same thing and I would still have felt something missing at the end of my day when my mom didn't call. I won't feel that today. Do I feel a hole every single day of my life? Absolutely. But today will be no different. It won't be more of a hole. And it won't ruin my day.

I loved my mom and I know she loved me. That is enough now. It wasn't before, but it is now. Today I let go of all those past years that I let her have control over my birthday. Today I take my birthday back and make it my day. She gave it to me and I love her for that. But for many years I gave her a large chunk of my day. I originally wanted to say she took it from me, but I don't think that's fair. She couldn't take anything that I wasn't giving. And today, I took it back. And that feels good too.

So, I'd like to say I'm sorry if any of this offended anyone, but I'm not. Because these are my feelings and that's what this blog was for originally. And as I take back my birthday, it means not letting my feelings and emotions be controlled by anyone else. That will probably always be a work in progress. But today was a start.

Today has been a good day. It has been a calming day. It has been a birthday like no other birthday has been as long as I can remember. The dread I had for it did not materialize. Yes, something completely different was unearthed when I woke this morning. But it was healing. And healing is good.

So, today I thank my mom for giving me my birthday. I am sure 41 years ago was a pretty terrifying day for her. She was beginning the recovery from a cesarean birth with a baby she didn't really want in a city far away from anyone she knew. I'm not sure I could have done all that. I'm not sure I could have pushed through. And so, today I honor her for giving me this day. And today I also take it back as MY day. My mom gave it to me. But now it's time to take it and make it my own. And I do it filled with love...not anger, not sadness, not grief...but love alone. And for the first birthday in many, many years, I feel complete and utter joy and gratitude to my mom and all those that love me enough to have taken a moment out of their day to let me know they were thinking of me today. I was blessed 41 years ago with the gift of my live. I am blessed today as I have been given a life, renewed. And without my mom I would not have had any of that. And that is the ultimate blessing of all.

Realizations

Olly and I spent the day up at dad's today. Olly got dad's new computer all hooked up so he can finally enjoy it. I'm so thankful to have a techie geek for a boyfriend. ;-)

After spending a day with dad, I realized that he is incredibly lonely and I am trying to figure out what to do about that. I get up there as often as I can. I call twice a day. But it's not enough. I wish I could convince him to get out more, but I have tried with no luck yet. I know it's only been 6 & 1/2 months. I will keep trying. But I'm more worried than I was before. I tried the no worry thing. It didn't change anything. I'm not sure what the answers are yet, but some answers need to be found.

It was a good day and hopefully dad is currently enjoying his new computer. But it was a tough day too. It always seems to be that way when I visit. It is hard to leave.

All of this is hard. It was hard when mom was sick. It was terribly hard when mom died. But it's still hard now. Nothing ever will be the same again. I suppose I already knew that, but the realization is definitely settling in. It's quite possibly always going to be hard. Or at least harder than it used to be. I suppose that's what happens when your parents start to age and you go from being just a daughter to more of a caretaker. I used to call my parents when I had questions. Now I am the one answering questions. My parents used to help me with stuff in my life. Now I help dad. It's a role reversal that came on suddenly. So, maybe I'm just still catching up. I don't mind it. I just worry. I suppose that comes with it all.

My 40th year was an interesting one. Certainly a year of more growth than many of my years. And it is ending with a lot of new realizations. Ones that I would prefer weren't necessary. But they are. I believe year 41 will hold lots of decision making.

I have a picture on my wall that says,

I Dreamed I Had an Interview with God

"What questions do you have for me?"

"What surprises you most about humankind?..."

GOD answered

"They rush to grow up and then...

Long to be children again."

That spoke to me years ago when I bought it. It speaks to me even more now.

Being a grown up really isn't all it's cracked up to be...

Emotions and Grief

I'm still learning. Today's lesson is that extreme emotions (over anything) cue grief emotions. When the tears come the grief and sadness comes with it. Tonight something came up that created stress, worry and sadness. Out of that came anger and loss and grief. And it's hard to dig myself out of it once the emotions start flowing. Maybe it's the build up to my birthday. Maybe it's just the way grief works. I don't know honestly. I just know it's what happens. I'm assuming that will change with time. I'm assuming that all these "firsts" will be harder than the "seconds". All I know is emotions bring up a lot of stuff I didn't realize was there. And once the tears start they are hard to stop. But my hope is that sunrise will bring a new day and a little peace.

Reliving Memories

I just went back and re-read my blog posts from this time last year. God, that was hell. Here's the link for any of you that want to page down and see what April was like last year and this weekend specifically.

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009_04_01_archive.html

Mom was in the hospital. She made it clear she was done with chemo. And I was dealing with reality. It was horrible. It was, and still is, one of the hardest things I have ever been through. 5 days of driving back and forth. 5 nights of having to leave my mom every night so I could come home and be a mom to my kids. The fear of her dying while I was gone...alone in the hospital. But she didn't. Instead she went on to have some good months, but we didn't know that then. It was terrifying.

A year ago, I spent the weekend before Olly's birthday in the hospital with my mom. Today, I pulled off a surprise party for his 30th birthday. It was fun and there was so much laughter. Last year there were so many tears.

Life does go on. That's a good thing.

It's a hard thing too.

Last year on Olly's birthday I raced home from Everett to spend the evening of his birthday at dinner with him and some friends. I was numb. I didn't feel like celebrating anything. I was hurting so deeply. This year I am awake and can feel and can enjoy his birthday.

But then comes mine. And that...in all honesty...scares the hell out of me. I would like to be numb for that one. I knew it was coming. I knew my birthday was the first of three very difficult days...my birthday, Mother's Day and mom's birthday. But it's almost here. And it's carrying some big emotions with it. I can feel them building inside of me. I would like to believe I can hold them off, but they need to come. That I have learned. The emotions are important and they need to come. Like it or not.

But for now...for today...we celebrate Olly's birthday. He stood by me last year when I dropped my life and spent 5 days with my mom. This year I was able to give him something back. And for a day, there was so much to celebrate.

Dad and I had a long talk tonight...full of tears and some laughter too. We're both still struggling a lot. But our relationship has grown immensely and I'm grateful for that. In 13 days I will have my first birthday without my mom. But my dad is still here and I am incredibly thankful for that. I can't pretend it's not my first birthday without my mom, but I won't let that overtake the fact that I still have my dad and I won't waste a birthday with him by being sad the whole day that I don't have my mom. There is a place for that sadness and I will honor that and experience it, but I won't let it take over my day. I have my dad and two beautiful boys and a man that loves me and incredible friends and extended family. I will not let my sadness overtake my joy for all that I still have.

My life has gone on. I can still laugh. I can still find joy. There is so much to be happy about in this world. Those are the things to remember when the hard days come. And they will. And they are just as important to live and experience as the good days. It's just harder to remember that when I'm living the hard days. But that's the beauty of this blog. I can come back here to remind myself of all of that in 13 short days. :-) And I'm sure I will...

6 Months

How can it be half a year has gone by on this Earth without my mom? It's so hard to fathom.

People keep telling me it gets easier. I wish I knew when.

Maybe it has, I suppose, in some ways, but I don't feel like it's so much "easier" than just has become more usual that mom is gone. My brain knows she is gone. I don't wake up in the morning and get hit with a load of grief all at once when I remember she is gone anymore.

But I still miss her. A lot. And it still hurts. A lot.

I watched the video we made for her funeral again this morning and had some good cleansing cries.

Today I'm feeling angry. Maybe it's hormones or the fact that I'm not feeling well or my overwhelming schedule all mixed in with still grieving. But I think people should stay away from me today. Well, people that might tick me off anyway...:-O

I can't believe it's been 6 months. That's almost as long as we had her after the cancer diagnosis. It's just all so surreal. I looked at my blog post for April 13th last year and mom was dealing with the side effects of her 2nd dose of chemo. We didn't know that in 4 days she would be in the hospital so near death. But it's probably good that we can't see into the future.

I have no new insights today. I just miss my mom. 6 months of my life has passed without her in it. There has been good and there has been bad and I don't have her to talk to about any of it. And today, I guess I'm just mad about that.

I guess the one thing I know is that I've survived 6 months without my mom. I can keep surviving. But I miss her. I just still miss her so much.

In case any of you wanted to see the video again today...here's the YouTube link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxfhCYkL8PA

Easter After Your Mom Dies

I'm home from a trip north today. It was a very interesting and eye-opening Easter. It was a day when I came to understand that holidays will never be the same again.

Thanksgiving I wasn't with my dad. Christmas was simple, but still felt like Christmas with the obvious absence of my mom. But today, well today was just another day. Except it was Easter. But it wasn't.

It started like so many other holidays do now, with a trip to the cemetery. It was the first time I had a LOT of company. I was shocked by how many people were there. And yet, somehow, comforted by it at the same time.

After I arrived at dads I learned that, apparently, holidays after your mom's death involve menial chores. Today I found myself washing the inside and outside of the windows at Dad's. I didn't mind. I was happy to do it. Dad mentioned that the sunlight had been making it clear how dirty the windows were and I, strangely, enjoy washing windows. In fact, he only asked me to do a few and I ended up doing several because once you get me started, I can't stop.

But as I was doing it, I thought, "Well, this must be how holidays are after your mom dies."

Honestly, I think my mom was very happy about it. It was as though she was nearby and thanking me as those windows must have been driving her crazy! ;-)

But I realized that I really took for granted all the holidays where mom did all the work and provided big meals and we just came, enjoyed, cleaned up and went home. I know she hated cooking, but she always had a spread for holidays. Maybe she just enjoyed having us home. I really, really took it all for granted.

Dad still sees her all the time. I think he's starting to wonder if he's a little crazy because he's trying to talk himself out of what he's experiencing. But I have told him that it doesn't matter if it's real (which I want to believe it is!) or in his head, he should just enjoy it. He says the bed moves at night like she's getting in and out. And the other morning he swears he saw her clear as day getting out of bed and throwing on her clothes like she had stayed too long and then she ran off and disappeared. I love the stories. I love thinking she is still nearby and coming back to take care of dad. I don't want dad to talk himself out of any of it. I don't think he's crazy...I think these visits from my mom are likely keeping him sane.

So, today...another milestone...Easter is done.

In 11 days it will be one year from the day I dropped everything and hurried up to the ER at Providence Everett to find my mom with a blood pressure of 49/27. It will be one year since I spent the night with her in the ICU watching her fade away. It will be one year from when I realized I was never getting my mom back. Not the mom who was "my" protector. For now, I had become her protector. And although I was very good in the role because I had such a good role model, I did not enjoy having to take it on. I had no warning. I was not prepared. But a year ago I learned that I had an inner strength that I didn't know I had. And prepared or not, I was up to the challenge and I would take on the role with all I had.

And my birthday is on the horizon. I was so looking forward to my birthday last year, and it was my hardest birthday ever. This year I'm dreading my birthday...so maybe it will turn out better than expected.

I didn't think Easter would bother me, but I found myself very sad leading up to the day. Last night I missed mom incredibly. And today...well, today I washed windows.

It was just more reminder of how much everything has changed. And how it will never be the same. And how foolish I was to take for granted all that I had before.

As I was packing up to leave today, the sun finally came out and shone through the front windows. Dad stopped and said, "Wow! That is wonderful!" And I swear I could feel mom nearby and for a moment, both my parents were together. And happy. Over clean windows. It was worth every minute of window washing. Easter or no Easter.

As I left, I saw so many houses with many cars parked in front. Many people gathering around an Easter dinner. And probably many people taking it for granted.

If you had that big family dinner today, remember it, honor it. And don't take the next one for granted, because you never know when it will be your last.

And you will miss them when they are gone.

And you may find yourself washing windows and realizing that holidays will never be the same again.