Day 37: Tears, Exhaustion, Sadness

I'm tired. It's 10pm and I just got home from another day up at mom and dads. Got there around Noon. Olly came with me today. I'm so glad he did. I really needed him today.
We had an accident happen right in front of us on 405 on our way up. Scared the crap out of me.

I was able to pick up mom's hospice prescriptions for dad today and we also went to the store and loaded mom up on various soups because she said it sounded okay. She ate a half a cup of split pea soup while we were there. That was good. She said she knows she's getting weak and needs to eat more. I guess it's good she knows that too.

Kristi came to visit today. The visits are hard for everyone. We all know we're saying good-bye. But we had some laughter too. Kristi brought a bottle of wine and mom drank a little tiny bit.

But today was hard in general. Each trip seems to be getting harder. Each time I feel like we're saying more and more good-byes. Sometimes without words. It just all seems too close.

Mom is so tired. She mentioned today that she's tired of feeling this way. I just want something to change for her. I want her to have a good day. A day that she feels like she's living.

She looked at me later in the afternoon today when there was a discussion about my upcoming birthday. I could see the confusion on her face. She said, "Your birthday is coming up isn't it?" I said yes and then asked her if she knew when my birthday was. She thought and thought and then asked dad what day it was today. He told her it was the 25th and she said that it had to be soon. I said yes it was. I asked her if she knew how many days there were in April and she thought some more and said tentatively, "30?". I said yes and then asked her if she knew when my birthday was. After much more thought she said, "Well, then, is it the 30th?" And I said yes it was. She came up with it. But she doesn't really remember it. That was another little stab in the gut.

Finally she decided to try to go sleep. She had been sitting in the wheelchair as it seemed like the most comfortable place for her. Olly wheeled her into the bedroom and then I helped her into bed and covered her up. I told her I loved her. She told me she loved me too. I put some things away and then walked around the bed and asked her if she was okay with me leaving. She said, "You've already done so much, you need to go." And I just stood there and stared at her trying to hold back the tears. She said, "Don't cry" and then the waterworks started. I came around the bed and we grabbed each other's hands and she said, "I'm not even going to be able to do anything for your birthday." She was crying, I was crying. I told her that she GAVE me my birthday and that's all she needed to do. She said, "You've been so good to me and I was never good to you." I told her that if she was the kind of mother she seems to think she was that I wouldn't be here. I told her that I didn't want to hear that from her. I told her I loved her so very much and she told me she loved me too. And then we just held hands and cried a little together.

I can't let my mom die thinking she was a bad mom. I just can't. I've never thought she was a bad mom. Ever. She was a mom without her own mother. And even when her mother was around, she never had a very loving relationship with her. When I look at all my mom went through, I know she did the absolute best she could. There are bad mothers out there. My mom isn't, and never has been, one of them. She gave me everything she possibly could. I don't want her dying thinking she didn't. I need to make sure she knows that I know the amazing person that she is and that I'm glad she is my mom.

I can't go up tomorrow. I have to be here tomorrow. I don't know how much I can go up this week with my clients' due and my work schedule. But I have to get up there as much as possible. I just don't want to have to work. I just wish I could take the next few weeks or months off and just be with my mom. And I'm so angry that I can't do that. I don't know how to keep working and losing my mom at the same time. But I'm a single mom. I've managed to work out a life where I'm supporting my kids. But it's a life with no sick pay and no vacation pay. If I miss a birth or miss a class I'm in financial trouble. And I want and need to be there for my clients. But I want and need to be there for my mom and dad too. It's a constant tug of war for me. I have to believe that God has a plan here. Even though, so far, I hate every ounce of it.

My body is wiped out. I am physically exhausted now. I need a way to rejuvenate. But I also feel like if I miss a day with my mom, it could be the last day I have. It's a constant struggle.

And I'm still so worried about my dad. He's so tired too.

This is all so hard. My exhaustion is so large and so real. And yet, I'm terrified to stop moving for fear that the adrenalin with stop and I won't be able to move.

My heart feels like it's breaking into little tiny pieces. I have never felt pain like this in my life. I didn't even know you could feel pain like this. Of course, I know I'm not the first one to ever feel it. Of course I knew I would feel it some day. But I just never could have imagined how it would feel. How much it would hurt. How at times, I feel like it's taking my breath away. Like little bits of me are dying right along with mom.

The days just keep getting harder. The exhaustion just keeps getting bigger. The tears come down in bigger waterfalls.

And I'm still so scared and so far from being ready for what is coming.