First Holiday

I survived Thanksgiving.

Today I am incredibly thankful for that fact.

The build up to Thanksgiving was long and painful.

Wounds were opened and I felt raw and vulnerable.

But I survived.

I felt quite often that I had so little to be thankful for this year. It's the year I lost my mom. How do you find things to be thankful for when that is the overwhelming theme of your year? But I made a mental list yesterday and I learned that, yes, my mom died this year and that is painful but my list of thankfulness includes:

* My children. God, how I love those boys. I have no idea how my life ever existed without them. Their laughter is contagious and makes me smile every day. They are quirky and loving and funny and smart and inquisitive and give meaning to my life. I am so thankful I have the honor of being their mother.

* Olly. Never in my life could I have imagined being a divorced mom. I never wanted that for my children. But I have found through the journey of divorce and finding myself, that I deserve to be loved wholly. Olly has helped me understand that. And he doesn't love just me. He loves my boys too. That is such a gift. He has stood by me this year, literally and figuratively while I lost my mom. He has never complained about the fact that I have often been distant or not fully present. He has accepted my grieving for the past 6 weeks and has quietly been there for me, sometimes holding me up when I wanted to crumble. I am so thankful that he is part of my life.

* My dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, my aunts and uncles, my cousins. Although I am incredibly sad that my mom is gone, I am so thankful I still have my dad. And I am thankful for the new relationship he and I have established over the past year. It is closer than it has ever been. Mom's illness and death has also strengthened my relationship with my brother. We are two different people and have grieved and mourned differently, but we are the only two people in the world that can understand what it is like to lose OUR mom. And my sister-in-law and I have become so much closer. We talk more often than we had in the past. She was a blessing to my brother and our family throughout this past year. She also is mourning the loss of her mother-in-law...all the while raising two little boys...one of whom she gave birth to during my mom's illness. She is amazing to me and I'm so glad she is my sister-in-law. I spent the holiday at Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill's house. I can't explain how much that meant that they invited my little family of 5 to invade their home and celebrate the holiday with them. I couldn't be with dad and Michael and was a little sad I wouldn't have more family around on Thanksgiving. But then Aunt Linda invited us and yesterday held so much laughter. It was exactly what I needed. I found myself sad at times and missing my mom, but I also felt surrounded by family and that was such great comfort. I feel like in the loss of my mom, I have had the opportunity to reconnect with family that I had been away from for so long. I love my e-mail exchanges with Aunt Judy. They give me insight into who she is as a person, and they give me more insight into who my mom was and they give me some more insight into who I am as well. They are a blessing to me. I love that I have reconnected with cousins that I haven't seen in years (Cousin Kim, we definitely need to get together SOON! I haven't forgotten! :-)). I am thankful for the amazing family I have.

* Friends. Wow, I have an incredible group of friends who I have learned will do anything for me. They have listened to me this entire year. They have hurt for me. They have wanted to ease my pain, knowing that sometimes they just couldn't. They have stood back when they needed to stand back and they have surrounded me with their arms, literally and figuratively when I needed it the most. They have learned that I don't ask for help, so they have just offered it. They have just given it, somehow knowing what I needed the most. I am so thankful for their friendship and love.

* Hospice. There is no way a list of what I'm thankful for this year could not include Hospice. What they gave my family was invaluable this year. That organization is incredible. If you are looking for some place to donate money this holiday season, please, please consider your local Hospice organization. The gifts they give to families are incredible and I am so thankful they were there for my mom and my dad and my brother and I this year and continue to be there for us.

* My work. I have the greatest job ever. I have been given the gift of coming into people's lives during one of the most amazing times. I have met so many wonderful couples through my childbirth classes and my clients. And many of them have offered me reciprocal support during the loss of my mom. That was hard for me to accept because I am supposed to be their support. But they have reminded me that we are all here on this earth together and giving and receiving support is important to us all. I am so blessed to have the greatest job on earth. A job that sustained me financially but also emotionally and spiritually through the loss of my mom. Since my mom's diagnosis, I was a personal witness to the birth of 16 babies. I still have one more to go this year. And I have several clients into the new year with whom I have been sharing their pregnancies and their ups and downs. What an incredible job I have. I received the news that my mom had cancer 10 minutes before the start of a childbirth class back in March. I somehow taught that class. And I was able to do it because I love what I do. I have taught many more childbirth class series' and newborn classes and postpartum classes and breastfeeding classes since then. Sometimes I felt I have taught while I was numb. There were nights I rushed home from the hospital in Everett in order to run in and teach a class. I had to flip a lot of switches in my brain from my mom to my classes, to my clients. But I was able to do it because I connect with my classes. I connect with my clients. I truly care about each one of them. And I am blessed to do what I do. I am so thankful for the amazing career that I have. It has sustained me in more ways than I could possibly explain.

* School. Okay, maybe I'm not thankful for it every day. But I am thankful that I have found a way to pursue my educational dreams and goals that will enable me to do even more work that I love in the future.

* Random acts of kindness. From my dad's next door neighbors who check on him and bring him food, to the president of his homeowner's association that checks on him and takes him to lunch, to dad's church and their support, to my co-workers and how they know exactly what to say. The kindness of random people this year has been, and continues to be, overwhelming.

* Growth. How I have grown this year. How I continue to grow. The transformation feels physical sometimes. I see the world differently. I live in a world without my mom. I hate it. But it is what I have been given and I am rising to meet this challenge. I fall sometimes. But I get back up. And that's the important part. And each time I do it, I grow some more. I hate not having my mom. But I do not hate life. If anything, I treasure it more. I am thankful for that.

* The Sun. The fact that even in November, the sun finds a way to shine now and then (like right now) continues to remind me that the world continues to rotate. The sun will come up again tomorrow even on the darkest of nights. I am so thankful for that enormous star in the sky.

* Starbucks. Okay...a little humor...but boy have I been thankful for them this long, exhausting year. :-)

A week ago, I was sad and feeling sorry for myself. Today, I am still missing my mom. As I made a big Thanksgiving breakfast yesterday I couldn't stop picturing my mom on holidays making us a big breakfast. I LOVED those breakfasts. The smell in my house took me back to being a young girl and many tears flowed over bacon and sausage yesterday morning.

But in my moments of pause, I realized how much I have to be thankful for this year. It was, most definitely, the hardest year of my life. And yet, there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. And for me, there is so much. I will never, ever stop missing my mom. Ever. But my life has to go on without her. I have much grieving to do. But I do it surrounded by friends, family and love. How could someone not be thankful for all that I have?

I hope you all were able to celebrate and give thanks for all that you have in your life as well.

I survived my first major holiday without my mom. I have a couple more big ones following right in line. I am not looking forward to them. I know they will be hard. But I will face them head on. And I will survive them too. And I will continue to give thanks for all that I have.

Reaching out

This has been an odd couple of weeks with so many ups and downs. I think the holidays have had more of an impact than I thought they were going to have on me. I have found myself in tears at random times. I've also found myself thinking I was doing really well.

Grief is odd. And new for me. And like with many new things, you have to experience it to truly learn about it.

I teach childbirth classes. Childbirth classes are preparatory classes. That's it. I have no absolutes for people. All I can promise is that their baby is coming out. I don't know how or when or anything else really except "norms" and everyone has their own personal experience. Ultimately in order to truly understand childbirth, you have to experience it.

I feel as though hospice did their best to prepare me for the death of my mom. They gave me the preparatory information, but they had no absolutes. They could give me "norms" but, as with birth, everyone has their own experience in grief. Ultimately, in order to truly understand the process of grief, I have to experience it.

Last week I finally decided this was bigger than me and it was important to get some support. I provide support to laboring families. I spend most of my life encouraging parents to surround themselves with the support they will need both in labor and postpartum journeys I finally decided it was time to take my own advice and reach out to find support through my journey of grief.

I spoke to a local hospice bereavement counselor for about a half hour. She sent me a ton of wonderful information that I poured over. I believe I'm going to try and attend a couple of loss support groups. Just like new moms find other new moms to support them through their process of becoming a mother, I am learning that I need others experiencing grief to support me through my journey of living without my mother.

It felt good to reach out. It felt good to take my own advice. It felt empowering and as though I was taking care of myself.

I am living without my mom. Every day, I get up and go about my life. But I miss her. And grief impacts a body and a spirit in more ways than I first understood.

No one knows when they will go into labor, how long their labor will last, what it will feel like, how they will react to it, or how it will change them until they experience it.

Grief is such a strange parallel to birth. No one knows how they will enter the journey of grief, how long it will last, what it will feel like or how they will react to it or how it will change them until they experience it.

I've said it before but in order to labor effectively you have to give in to the process. In order to grieve well (yes, I do believe you can grieve well), you have to give in to the process.

I'm learning.

I'm growing.

I'm giving in.

I'm reaching out.

I'm transforming.

And I will come out of this on the other side.

Stronger. Wiser. And with a true understanding of the process of grief.

It's a lesson we all have to learn sooner or later.

Every time I do a birth, I feel as though I am giving back a little of what my own Doula gave to me at Jonathan's birth. I will never forget the feeling of comfort and support I had as she slept on my couch after I had been sent home from the hospital for being too early in labor. I remember sitting on my floor having her time contractions and tell me what a good job I was doing. I know now that she must have been exhausted, but she never gave up on me. Truly every single birth I attend, I think of that night and I am honored to be able to give back.

I hope that one day, my learning process into grief will allow me to help someone else through their own grief process. I hope that all the lessons I learn in the arms of people that care will enable me to surround someone else with support and care so that I can continue to give back some of what I have been given.

One Month

It's been one month today.

In some ways I can't believe it's already been a month. In others it seems like forever ago that she died.

Dad saw her again the other night. In the middle of the night. Walking in their room. She is looking over him...taking care of him in some way. I know she is.

I miss her every day. I've come to terms that that will never change. And I don't want it to. I never want to stop missing her.

The boys and I drove to the cemetery today. I debated not going, because the weather sounded iffy. But I'm so glad I did. I received a phone call yesterday that her engraving was done. When I got off the phone a bubble of emotions came up and out of me and I cried for about 5 minutes. I felt like that was a sign that I truly needed to go today. I took some flowers with me and I'm so glad I made the trip. It certainly made things even more real to see her name in granite. But I loved the flowers once I placed them in there and it felt like I was taking care of her in a sense. I will do everything I can to get up there once a month to make sure there are fresh flowers.

I've survived one month. We've all survived one month without her. I still hate it. I still cry. I still worry about my dad. But we're all surviving. And missing her every day.

Ups and Downs

It's currently 1:30am. I am up waiting for a client to let me know she's ready for me to join her. She called at Midnight to tell me her water broke.

I was planning to blog yesterday but the day got away from me. It's probably not smart to blog at 1:30am, but I'm doing it anyway.

Yesterday was a tough day. I'm not fond of the hard days. I was missing my mom a LOT. And I was having a day from hell where nothing could go right. And even the little stuff seemed so much bigger than it was. Everything seemed to fall out of my hands. I fresh, full, big mug of hot coffee slipped from my hands and splattered all over the kitchen and it nearly sent me over the edge. I found a picture of mom and dad in my closet and cried because I missed mom so much. It was just one of the hard days I guess.

Going back a few days...our house was burglarized on Thursday. I swear that when your mom dies you should just get a free pass from other crazy stuff for a while. But I guess that's not the case. The boys and I had gone to homeschool bowling. We had been gone about an hour and a half. When we got home, I checked the mail and then opened the front door. I hear a sound I couldn't place for a minute and then realized it was the door alarm on the back sliding glass door. I peeked around the corner to see the stick out of the door and the screen door open. I immediately ushered the boys out of the house and called 911. The police showed up quickly and entered the house with guns drawn. They swept through it and then waved me in to show me the damage. Someone threw 2 bricks through our kitchen window. One of them shattered the glass door of the oven so between that glass and the window, there was glass everywhere. They exited through the sliding glass door.

On first glance it seemed they only got our Wii. When Olly got home, he found his camcorder missing. Over the week we've found a couple of other things missing as well. I know it could have been much worse, but Olly's camcorder contained his sister's wedding and the Wii...well...Jonathan saved up for that Wii. Olly told him if he saved up 1/2, he'd pay for the other half. Jonathan saved up $180! So, the burglers really stole directly from him. And the look on his face was heartbreaking.

The police were incredible. Forensics came out and dusted for prints and took pictures of foot prints that were left in the house. I think they were actually in the house when we got home and I surprised them. That makes me a feel a little better than to think they watched us leave. But I think of all the trips up to Everett and Arlington when I was gone entire days. If it had happened then, they would have cleaned us out.

So, let's move on to more pleasant things...on Friday, I went and saw Julie & Julia. It was playing at the old theater in Tacoma and it was a great movie and so much fun. The theater was packed and yet, there was an empty seat next to me. I wanted to believe mom was sitting there watching with me. I had many moments during the movie where I got teary eyed because I could truly hear my mom's reactions to various scenes. I'm really glad I went. I just wish mom had been able to go with me in a more physical sense.

This grief stuff is definitely odd. Some days I feel so strong and put together and others I feel like a blubbering mess. I do think that right now my stress level is extra high so that's not helping things. I'm so glad one of my clients is delivering finally. I have 2 others due that I think will go before the end of next week. Everything was starting to stack together and make me nervous and then my stress level rises. Even though I do truly believe everything will work as it should, I still get worked up. I'm a work in progress. ;-)

I was hoping to drive up to the cemetery on Friday. It will be the one month anniversary of mom's death. But I'm not sure if I'll make it with my client load. I'm just waiting to see how I feel about it all. I do know I don't have to be at the cemetery to feel close to her. It's just sort of symbolic for me. It's so odd to think it's only been a month. In some ways it seems so much longer. In other ways, it feels like yesterday.

For the last several months, I've had a bag full of snacks for the boys. We'd bring it to the hospital with us so they'd have snacks while waiting in the waiting room during mom's paracentesis procedures. We'd bring it with us to Arlington. It was our snack bag for all our trips up north. It's been sitting in my living room since mom's funeral. I unpacked it for the first time yesterday and put the bag away. Crazy how something simple can be so hard.

And yet time moves on.

My client just called and said she's ready for me so I'm heading out.

Life goes on. New babies are born. The circle of life continues. And I get to be a part of it all.

Days go on

The human spirit is an amazing thing. In the face of great sadness, it just keeps going. I know I've said this before, but it's still surprising to me. If you had asked me 5 years ago, how I would do without my mom in this world, I would have told you I couldn't survive. I had imagined the idea of losing my parents and the idea itself would make me crumble.

But here I am now, having lived without my mom for 21 days and I'm okay. I am living my life. I am moving forward. I have found it is possible to live without a mom physically present.

I don't like it. I get mad. I get sad. But I am doing it.

I have to think that all I have been through in the past 5 years was preparation for this time of my life. I am a much different woman than I was 5 years ago. I am stronger. I am smarter. I was living in a sad world where I had lost myself. I believe I clung to my mom so deeply back then because I needed "my mommy". I needed protection, even though I didn't understand it at the time. I needed the one person who loved me unconditionally. I had lost so much of myself. She was my connection to who I was somewhere deep inside of me.

And then the world turned on its end and I had to grow and change. I didn't prepare mom for that. She was thrown. Neither of us saw it coming, but I think I felt it from deep within. I should have warned her. But I didn't. And so, she had to come to terms with the new me. And it wasn't easy for either of us.

But these days I can't help but wonder if all of that was necessary so I could survive now. I was able to become a woman who still needed her mom, but had grown enough that I could survive without her.

I don't want to though. I really don't. I was walking to the mailbox today and it hit me out of the blue, like it tends to do... my mom is gone. I'm 40 years old and everything I deal with for the rest of my life will have to be dealt with without my mom. I hate that.

And yet, I know I can do it.

I just wish she was still here.

I got my first term grades last week. 97.4 in Astronomy and 99.6 in Sociology. I HATED Astronomy. It was so much math. So many calculations. I thought it would be an easy class and it was SO hard. I wanted to drop it the first week, but I was determined to get through it. And I got an A. An A! I worked hard for that A. And I wanted to share it with mom. I sat in front of my computer and cried over that grade. I cried because I was so proud of myself. I cried because I pushed through all my doubts in that class. I cried because I wanted to call my mom and tell her.

I believe she knows. I believe she was right beside me when I got those grades. But I wanted to hear her reaction. No one can give you that feeling of immense pride and accomplishment like your mom. She was genuinely proud of me for going back to school. And I wanted to hear it. But I never will again. And so I have to settle with her words I hear in my head. I have to settle with the "feeling" I get that she is nearby so often.

The woman I was 5 years ago would have crumbled. The woman I am today has moments of crumbling and then I get back up and I go on. I feel a transformation happening that I don't have words for right now. But it is a true transformation.

I worry about my dad daily. He is so lonely. His loss is greater than anyone's. I have known my mom my entire life. But I only lived with her for 19 years. My dad has had my mom at home every day for 51 years. He's known her for 68 years. I've lost my mom. We all expect that some day. I feel like I've lost her way too early, but I knew someday I would lose her. But my dad...he's lost the love of his life. He sees her physical absence every day. He told me he was dozing in the chair in the living room and woke up and swore that mom was sitting in her chair next to him. He blinked his eyes and she was gone. But I told him to maybe she was there. I like to believe it's true. But she can't take the lonliness away. I'm so worried about my dad. Maybe that gives me the ability to put my loss into perspective again.

My mourning will take its own path. This is another journey in my life that will ultimately transform me again. I suppose that's what life is all about. I am a survivor. I will continue to be a survivor. I will miss my mom every day, but I will keep moving forward. And I have to believe that my mom is watching and supporting me and is so very proud of the woman I have become.