Day 100!!!

Day 100.

It's amazing and wonderful.

And there's no reason to say anything more.

Day 100.

Enough said.

Days 95-99: A whole week goes by!

Wow...an entire week with no blog entry. That's a first in 99 days. And I suppose a really good thing that there is so little to talk about.

But some things have occurred this week that have reminded me of what I'm still living with right now.

First of all though...I have to say...it's day 99! I know that if I go back through blog posts I wondered about the possibility of getting to day 100. And tomorrow is it. It's really incredible. Now, I'd love to see 200, 300, a couple of years...but I suppose I shouldn't push it and just be happy with what I've been given.

On a sadder note, as I'm sure everyone knows, Farrah Fawcett died yesterday. Her death has been overshadowed by Michael Jackson's death, but for me, Farrah's death is really painful. She was so brave and fought so hard and I admire her strength so much. And yet, I have followed her story. I've read about it a lot since mom was diagnosed. I know there was a period of time when Farrah felt good. When she thought she was cured. And then things turned quickly and she went downhill very fast. That scares me.

I talk to mom and dad twice a day and every time one of them says, "Oh, something did happen today..." my heart skips a beat. Today it was the fact that their hot water heater was leaking and they were getting a new one. Which, on a side note, ticks me off. They're dealing with enough, they should just be able to having a working hot water heater...but I digress... My point being...I know my stress level is not where it was when mom was first diagnosed. It's not where it was when she was in the hospital or even where it was when she first came home. But I am constantly reminded that it is still very high. I'm not kidding myself to think this period we're in will last forever. Don't get me wrong...I'm enjoying it. But I'm still mentally bracing myself for things to turn. And my nerves are frayed. I'm trying not to live like this and it's not as though I consciously think about it minute by minute like I did when mom was in the hospital. But it's there under the surface and shows up at odd times.

Right now I feel like I'm just living on the edge. My schedule is incredibly busy. I haven't had a day off in a very long time. I find myself on the verge of tears for most of my days lately. It's not going to take much right now to set off a waterfall of tears.

I'm still capable of doing what needs to be done. I teach childbirth classes. I meet with clients. I spend hours with clients at the births of their babies. I do necessary business paperwork. I get my kids to appointments. I make breakfasts and lunches and dinners. I make trips to the vet. I wash sheets. I vacuum.

But I don't rest.

And part of me wonders if being as busy as I am is a survival technique. Maybe if I slow down I have to feel again. But, as always, I can't fight it off forever. I feel it bubbling.

I started working out again after several weeks off because I was sick and then Jonathan was sick. That's good for me. But boy do I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. That's not like me. I'm usually such a morning person. But I no longer seem to be able to quickly fall asleep at night so my body wants to sleep in. But if I don't get up early to work out, once my day begins, there is no time left. So, I argue with my body about sleep vs. working out and losing some weight. It's not an enjoyable battle most mornings.

And I'm remembering dreams. I'm not normally a person that remembers her dreams. I can probably tell you just about every dream I've ever had and remembered. But two nights ago I woke up from a nightmare. A nightmare that involved drowning. And in the morning when I could think more clearly, I couldn't help but wonder if I'm dreaming of drowning because I feel like I am.

Yet, I don't know how to fix it. I'm a single mom. I have to work. I don't have time or money for vacations. But what I wouldn't give for a day off. And yet, what would I do with it?

I have to admit I'm jealous of my friends who are traveling this summer. I'll be staying at home. I have clients due. I don't have money to go anywhere anyway. And I wouldn't leave mom and dad this year either. But the thought of escaping and just being "away" for a while sounds so luxurious. And so far away from any reality I have.

But yet again...I digress. I should be celebrating. Tomorrow is day 100! I am still stunned by that.

However, tonight on night 99, mom informs me that she told dad she doesn't think she can do the Croatian Picnic next month in Cle Elum. I was kind of surprised because she had seemed like she thought she was going to go. But she told me, kind of sheepishly, that she had a dream where she lost dad at the picnic and couldn't find him and it scared her. I told her I thought it was good she was following her gut. She said, "Do you really?" almost like a little girl. I told her I did. She asked me to tell dad that. I'm sure he's disappointed because he would probably like to go and mingle with friends and family. I think mom feels like she's letting him down, but she said he's being really good about it all. Of course he is. That's my dad. That's who he is.

My mom knows not all is right inside of her. And dad knows it too. I'd like to just sit down with him and talk to him about all that he sees. I think he probably knows more than all of us. Well, I'm sure he does. I'm curious about what is going on in his own mind. In saying that, I think I just might have to figure out how to get him alone for a bit just to see how he is doing.

I'm kind of hoping I can make it up to my parents next weekend. It will depend on my clients. But if not next weekend, then hopefully the following week when my teaching schedule is a little lighter and I can not have to worry about fighting traffic to get back in time.

I feel like life hasn't allowed time for me to be with my parents. And I feel like I'm losing precious time with mom. And that ticks me off too. I'm trying to find a balance. But, wow, it's really hard.

And therein lies my dilemma. I have kids to take care of. I have clients depending on me. I have my parents that I am taking care of in different ways. There really isn't time to take care of myself. And I know that's probably not okay. I just don't know how to fix it right now. But my body is feeling it. It's letting me know. And I'm continuing to fight it off for as long as I can.

Rest just doesn't look like it's anywhere near in my foreseeable future.

But tomorrow is day 100 and I WILL celebrate that. No matter how stressed or how tired. Tomorrow is momentous and it is definitely time for, yet another, mini celebration. Those are the things that get me through my days. One small celebration at a time.

Day 93 - 94: Momentous Occasion

Exactly 2 months ago today, I was sitting at mom and dad's house waiting for the Hospice delivery people to arrive with a hospital bed, a portable commode, a walker and wheelchair. It was so hard to watch them bring all that in to my parent's comfortable home. I was struck by how much had changed and how fast.

I never could have imagined that two months later, all those things would be moved OUT of mom and dad's home because mom just didn't need them. But that's exactly what happened yesterday.

Hospice is visiting my mom once every two weeks now. That's it. From 4 visits a week, down to 1 visit every other week. At last week's visit, the nurse asked mom and dad if they were interested in getting all their equipment out of the house and they quickly answered "Yes!". They didn't know they could have it removed. But two days later, it was all gone and mom and dad have their house back!

They now have both their chairs back in their living room instead of just one. Dad gave up his for mom. Now they both have their places back. :-) They don't have a hospital bed staring them in the face every day. That is so incredible! I often felt like that hospital bed was just staring at all of us, constantly warning us that things wouldn't always be this good.

But now it's gone and I feel so relieved by that! I suppose I know that one day it will be back, but I feel it's really momentous that it is gone, for no matter how long.

Mom never used that bed and she never used the wheelchair. I think the commode was helpful for a day or two after she got home from the hospital and she used the walker a couple of times shortly after she got home as well. But that was the extent of it.

I was, again, hoping to see her today. It's Father's Day and, once again, sickness keeps us home. Jonathan has been sick for over a week now. I think he is FINALLY on the other side of this thing, but 3 hours in a car today just wasn't something he could do. Mom and dad completely understood and they are going to go up to Bellingham to spend some time with my brother and sister-in-law so that will be good.

Once Jonathan is well, the boys and I will make a trip up with our chocolate cake and birthday and Father's Day cards and celebrate it all at once.

Spring was really tough for our family. And on this first day of Summer, I have renewed hope that things will be improving. My last post was filled with self pity and I was in a bit of a dark place that tends to sneak up on me now and then. Looking back and realizing that it has been 94 days since my mom's diagnosis is kind of surreal. It was 2 days before the first day of Spring. So much has taken place in 94 days. I guess it makes sense that my family would spend the last 6 weeks that time being sick after the events of the 6 weeks prior. But I'm looking at today as a new beginning. It's Summer now. It's a new season. It's time for good things to be happening.

I'll admit that I'm still upset about not making RENT yesterday, but was glad a friend was able to buy the tickets from me and was able to enjoy them. My client birthed Friday night into Saturday morning and Jonathan slept through it all. It was a quick, wonderful birth. I was with them for the birth of their first baby 19 months ago and it was a joy to be able to share in the birth of their 2nd as well. They have never found out the gender of their children and that's rare these days so it's extra fun when you spend time wondering whether or a little boy or a little girl is about to arrive. Little Sophia was born into the world at 4:18am on June 20th. It's a miracle every time I see it happen.

I see those miracles all the time. I see the birth of a new human being over and over and every time it is miraculous to me. Yet, I have been unable to believe that my family could have received our own miracle. I wonder why that is? Maybe because birth seems like such an everyday miracle (is there such a thing?) but relief from cancer seems unheard of. Of course, none of us believe mom's cancer is gone. But we really have been given the gift of time. And that really has been our own little miracle.

As Spring began, my life was falling apart. The flowers were blooming. We were coming out of a long, cold, wet winter here in the Pacific NW, but my life seemed colder and darker than it had ever seemed. And now, Summer has begun. I'm hoping for a summer filled with family and fun. I've banished all colds/flus/sickness from my home! I planted flower pots out front for the first time in my life (with enormous help from my wonderful friend Shannon). I'm not a green thumb in any way. But this year those flowers hold special meaning for me. I'm keeping them alive. They are beautiful. I know Fall and Winter will come and they will be gone. But next year, they will bloom again.

That's life I guess. There is light and there is dark. You can't truly see the light without having spent some time in the dark. The trick is to remember, while in the darkness, that light will return again. It's a lesson I continue to learn.

I find it interesting how I still fall apart at random times. Of course, I was sleep deprived yesterday but as I drove into my fuel stop, otherwise known as Starbucks, on may way home from the birth, the song "Somebody's Hero" by Jamie O'Neal came on the radio. I've always found that song beautiful, but as the last lyrics came on, the tears starting falling as I was pulling into the drive thru.

"She's somebody's hero, A hero to her mother in a rockin' chair, She runs a brush through her silver hair, The envy of the nursing home, She drops by every afternoon, Feeds her mama with a spoon, And that smile lets her know, Her mother's smile lets her know, She's somebody's hero".

Three months ago, I was feeding my mom with a spoon in the hospital, her hair thinned by chemo and locks of it spread about her pillow as it continued to fall out. I wouldn't call myself her hero in anyway, but the song is about the little things in life that make us all heroes. I know the day I found myself feeding my mom, it changed my life. I grew up that day in a way that I was unprepared for, but also in a way that was necessary to handle what was about to come.

I know that there will be dark times again. I know one day I will find myself feeding my mom with a spoon again. I know I will still hurt, deeply. But the time we have been given now has given us all time for joy. Time to acknowledge the reality of death. Time to prepare, although knowing that you can never fully prepare. I know I will never be ready. But I know that roles have changed. My parents see me as someone they can trust and count on now. They see me as a grown woman, not so much their little girl anymore. A year ago, I still called them with questions. Today, they call me. Today they call and share their triumphs with me as I used to with them. And I get to hear the joy in their voices when my mom shares how happy she is to be returning to church and how so many people came up to wish her back. I hear my mom and dad laugh over simple and silly things in their lives that now hold so much more meaning. And yesterday, I heard how exuberant they were over saying goodbye to a unneeded hospital bed as it left their home.

As summer begins, I am accepting and appreciating the small miracle that has taken place in my family. The sun is shining, the flowers have bloomed, the birds are singing and the light is shining through. Three months ago, I wasn't sure how I would ever smile again. But yesterday, on the phone with my parents, I smiled a smile of complete and unending joy and gratitude.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there and Happy and Healthy Summer to everyone. May much light shine for us all!

Day 92: Hospice

Dad called me around Noon today. That's usually not a great sign. I was in an appointment at the time so couldn't answer. I checked my voicemail as soon as I left the appointment about 10 minutes later and dad was asking my advice about Hospice.

Apparently Hospice was telling them that if they wanted to keep their services, they needed to have a nurse visit at least every other week. I hadn't realized that the Hospice visits had stopped all together. Dad was concerned about not being under Hospice care and I agreed. Although mom seems to be doing a lot better, it's only been 2 months since she has been out of the hospital. If, 6 months from now, she's still the same as she is today, then I'd say it would be definitely worth reassessing Hospice, but right now it gives dad a 24/7 hotline number to call if anything thing should change. And having a nurse come by once a week or once every other week should keep on top of any changes in mom's physical health.

So, that's the plan for now. I'm glad dad called me. And I'm glad mom and dad feel like they can talk to me about stuff like this and trust me enough to ask my advice. We've come a long way from March when mom spent 3 days in the hospital and I didn't even know it.

It's amazing how much of a panic I am thrown into when I get a call from mom and dad in the middle of the day. I wanted to just run out of my appointment and take their call, but I knew I only had about 10 minutes to go. Nonetheless, I don't remember much about those last 10 minutes.

I'm having one of those overwhelmed 40 year old days. I'm extra concerned about mom today for some reason, I've had a sick kid all week who doesn't seem to be improving and we've been to the doctor 3 out of the last 5 days, I have a client that is 5 days past her due date and will go any minute, I was supposed to go see RENT tomorrow but that doesn't look like it's going to happen and I have to admit I'm feeling incredibly low and maybe a little sorry for myself.

I never plan things for myself. I never make plans. Partly because I don't have the money to do it, partly because I'm a mom and my kids come first, partly because I'm a Doula and never know when I'll be birthing. I just rarely plan anything fun like this. But RENT has a lot of meaning for Olly and I and so I splurged and bought us tickets for tomorrow's showing knowing that the boys would be with their dad for Father's Day weekend and confident that my client would have already had her baby since she was right on time with her first.

But here I am...with a very sick kid who isn't going to his dad's tonight. We'll reassess tomorrow, but unless something improves I'm not sure he'll be there then either. And even if he does, my client could be in labor. The chances of making RENT are slim.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be home with my sick little guy than to have him be away from me. But I'm just kind of ticked off that the ONE time I plan something for me, it falls apart like this. It's kind of like mom's birthday and I was sick. And I'm not sure I'm going to make it up to mom and dad's this weekend for Father's Day either. And I guess I'm just mad and sad and frustrated and worried and not understanding life much right now.

And I'm sure I'll look back on this and think, "Wow...pity party" But right now, I'm having one. This has been an incredibly long 3 months. Was it really that wrong to want something for me? Just once? I know I'm a caregiver. That's my role in life. I've known that for years. And I'm good at. But does that mean I never get anything for myself? Why can't I give myself a little care? Why when I try does it get taken away from me?

And why is my little guy not getting well? Why can't my mom write her name? I just don't get any of it. I know I should be thankful for how good things are right now. I do understand that, but I feel like there is a constant concern looming in the back of my head and when stuff like this is added on...I just don't know what to do. So, I'm going to shut up now and go back to my private pity party and return you all to your normal lives. Thanks for sharing a moment with me. I'm sure by this time next week, all we be returned to status quo.

Days 89 - 91: Dr. Visit

So, it seems a trend of blogging every 3 days now. I kind of like that there is so little going on that I don't need to update every day. I could handle that for a long time. Heck, I would be happy with weekly updates! :-)

But a quick update on mom's doctor appointment today. Apparently they did some cognitive tests on her to determine how well she is doing. Mom and dad's comment to me was that "she failed". I can't say I'm surprised. I don't think mom knew how poor her memory was, but she does now.

They said 3 words to her and asked her to repeat them back. She couldn't. Then they did it again. She still couldn't do it. They asked her to write a complete sentence. Mom can't even sign her name. So, there are some definite cognitive issues. But I already knew that.

So, now we'll see what the insurance says. I told mom and dad that if the insurance company still balks, they may need to go back to the cancer center and get a new diagnosis and prognosis. But for now we just wait.

And mom and dad both have some confirmation about mom's mental status. Now they know it's more than just regular aging. I suppose there is good and bad to that.

So, that's the latest. A simple trip to the doctor. I can't say I don't appreciate those simple trips.

I'm still waiting for a client to deliver. I was almost certain she would have had a baby by now. I'm wondering if I'm going to make it up for Father's Day or not. I guess what will be, will be. It always used to drive me nuts when mom would say that to me. But now I know it's the truth. Although it doesn't mean I have to like it... ;-)

Days 86 - 88: Dr. Check Up

I just talked with mom and dad. As always, I said, "What's new?" Tonight they said there was something new and my heart skipped a beat. I'm scared every time they don't just say, "Nothing new". Turns out this is good news. At least I think so.

Mom's primary care doctor (not her Oncologist) called tonight, after hours. She was completing paperwork for mom and dad's insurance and wanted to talk to mom. The insurance company is wanting to cut off Hospice because mom is doing so well, but her dr. wanted to make sure that was actually warranted. She asked mom a lot of questions and then said she wanted her to make an appt. to come see her.

I am really impressed! This is a dr. that doesn't know mom well. She replaced mom's previous care provider and had only seen mom once before her cancer diagnosis. Yet, here she took it upon herself to call mom after business hours to get answers to some questions instead of just completing some form from the insurance company and sending it back in.

It angers me so much when insurance can dictate how and when a person gets care! Maybe mom doesn't need Hospice right now. But maybe she still does. To have an insurance company make that call is so infuriating to me.

So mom and dad are calling back in the morning to make an appt. I'm really glad to hear this. I think it will be good for her to be seen. Maybe she'll have some blood work. Maybe someone can determine exactly how she is doing. She hasn't needed her stomach drained in weeks. It's just so odd. She was needing it done at least every 2 weeks before, and immediately, after she was in the hospital. And now, nothing. Why is that? Why is mom's Diabetes and High Blood Pressure just gone? It's just all odd. I'm not complaining, mind you. I just find it so very odd.

I'm just really pleased that someone will be taking a look at her. And I'm really happy that her dr. is looking out for her.

I'm planning another trip up north for Father's Day this weekend. I'm still struggling with a sinus infection, but am significantly better than I was on mom's birthday. So my plan is to make another chocolate cake to be shared by both mom and dad and have a late birthday celebration with mom as well as celebrate Father's Day with dad.

Oh...and on a personal note...I received my formal acceptance into Upper Iowa University's Distance program. I'm officially a college student again. :-) I still have to work out all the financial aid stuff, but I hope to have my Bachelor of Science in Psychology with a minor in Sociology within the next couple of years. Part of me thinks I'm crazy to try this as a Homeschooling Mom and Childbirth Educator and Doula. But the other part of me knows it's TIME! So, I'm moving forward. My boys tell me I don't look like a college student. I don't really feel like one either. But ask me again around finals time. LOL!

Here's to a good new week! :-)

Days 83 - 85: Life

So, I have found myself living my old life again...except for the fact that I call my parents once every morning and once every night. It's still an odd parallel world though. Sometime it is surreal and almost dream-like.

My body finally decided that urgency in my life had passed and I have spent the past 3 weeks sicker than I have been in a long time. And it keeps resurfacing, reminding me it's still there and that it has my immune system under lock and key. Thank goodness for my amazing Naturopath and Chiropractor. I think I'd be prone in bed without them.

This week was tough though. On Sunday, as you probably know, I missed mom's birthday. On Monday I started recovering. On Tuesday I felt better, but had a terrible cough and had to teach a 3 hour class. It was a challenge. On Wednesday I felt worse again and had to teach again that night. That class was only 2 hours, but tougher than the night before. Yesterday, still feeling crummy, I had another 2 hour class to teach which I survived, but boy was my body pretty much done with me. I came home, crawled into bed at 10:30pm looking forward to some rest. And then at Midnight, I received a text from one of my clients. Looked like it was time to do a birth.

I got home around 10am today after an incredible, albeit all night, birth. I drove home exhausted, but feeling very alive. I stress out over my job...when will I be gone...will I have childcare...how long will I be gone...how will the birth go for my clients...etc., etc., etc. I often think it's time for a new career. And then I have a birth like this morning. And the world looks happier and seems a better place. I opened my sun roof, still struggling with a sinus infection, and BREATHED. I felt the June air fill my lungs (or the pockets it still has available...;-)). It felt good and filled me with life. And I thanked God for the blessing of a new little life.

And as miserable as I was feeling, I had an incredibly gratitude come over me for the fact that I was able to call my mom before I left the birth center this morning and tell her about my night.

I hate my mom's cancer. I hate that I can't look at her or talk to her without imagining cancer cells just wandering about inside of her trying to take her life. I hate it. But....as odd as it is...it has given me an incredible gift. The gift of seeing life through new eyes.

I have always seen the joy in my clients' faces as they welcome their baby into the world. This morning it was different. It was the joy of an entire family. It was a new, bigger, family and so many people were there to welcome this new little girl.

Today, I also visited my clients who had their baby on 5/31. They are SO happy in their new family of three. They are already incredible parents. The joy they shared with me gave me chills.

Family. It means different things to different people. But for me, it is home. I don't have a perfect family, but show me someone that does. What I have is two parents that love me. I have an incredible brother and sister-in-law and two gorgeous nephews that I don't see enough. I have two amazing young boys who are growing up MUCH too fast. I have a man in life who loves me in a way I've never been loved. Your family is who knows you. I don't remember being 2 years old, but my parents still remember things about me as a 2 year old. They hold my history in their hearts. I will do the same for my boys.

The circle of life is an amazing, difficult, joyous ride.

This week I was also reconnected with a dear friend who I haven't spoken to in years. I learned that she has been fighting breast cancer for nearly a year. I read much of her blog that she has been keeping in that time and tears poured down my face. And yet, I felt alive. I felt the life in her spirit as well as she battles this disease that has touched my life so much recently. I felt connected on a level on which I wish we weren't connected, but somehow is still so powerful.

Today I felt connected to life. Today I was there as a new life was welcomed into the world. Today I was thankful for the fact that I am on day 85 of this blog and I'm able to talk to my mom every morning and every night.

I felt life fill me up today. And it felt good. I am running on an hour and a half of sleep and a sinus infection. But today I felt alive. Today I reveled in the lives of others. Today I feel so incredibly blessed for this crazy, ridiculous, difficult, maddening, powerful, joyous life I have been given. And although I would do just about anything to go back to my world without cancer, somehow, somewhere, I have that diagnosis to thank for all of this. That is confusing to my rational brain. But in the face of terrible disaster, there is always hope. There is always a light. There is always a new beginning if we choose to take it. And as my mom continues to do well, I have embraced that new beginning and that light. I hope I can continue to embrace it as I continue to walk this windy path on which I am traveling.

Days 80 - 82: Recovery

Welllllll...... life certainly has a way of throwing us curves. I was so excited to celebrate mom's birthday, but my body made other plans. Saturday morning I started to feel like my head cold was acting up. I picked one up two weeks ago and it wasn't bad, but seemed to linger. I thought it was strange that it was picking up again so I convinced myself I was just tired. I worked from 10am - 1pm at the birth center and then had an appt from 1:30 - 2:30pm. By the time I got home at 3pm I knew something more was happening. I was exhausted. So much so that I even considered buying mom's cake instead of making it, which just isn't me.

I managed to make mom's cake, but was in bed early. I woke up several times overnight and at 4am took my temperature which read 101.5. I knew then that I wasn't going to make it up to mom's. I was incredibly disappointed, but too sick to do anything about it.

Shortly after 9am I called mom to let her know. I was hoping she wouldn't change any other of the days plans because of me, but it turns out she called Aunt Judy and told her not to come as well which made me sad. But I just have to believe that we weren't all supposed to be there that day. Michael and Kiersten and their boys and Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill were there and Uncle Bill took a lot of pictures which I was so happy to receive.

As it turned out, I didn't get out of bed until 8pm. I was grateful to have Olly there to take care of me. I can't remember having a day like that in a very long time. It's so unusual for me to spend an entire day in bed, but my body made it clear that it wasn't going to do anything else.

I think mom had a good day though. Just not the day any of us were anticipating. We joked that we really just shouldn't plan birthday parties for her. The last big one, her 60th, was the last time I remember her being REALLY sick. I planned a huge suprise party for her and it turned out she could barely get out of bed. She toughed it out and went to the party, but it seems that making plans for her birthday don't always turn out the way they are planned. At least we could laugh about it all a little.

So, I told mom that my boys and I would come up and celebrate after my next two clients deliver. I have 2 clients due within the next week so can't stray too far from home. But then I have a bit of a break so will plan a trip up to see mom then.

I guess I'm doing a better job of letting stuff go. I understand that what will be, will be and I have to roll with it. Like it or not. I suppose that's progress...although it's taken me 40 years to get here!

I pulled out one of my favorite books this morning. It's called "Your Body's Telling You to Love Yourself". It discusses just about any physical or mental ailment you can think of and what the underlying causes of said ailments tend to be. Today I looked up several things since I'm not exactly sure what I have going on. I started with the Common Cold which said that a "cold will often manifest as a result of congestion on a mental level, especially when there's so much going on in your head that you don't know which way to turn." Hmmm.... Then I looked up Sinus issues which referred me back to Nose issues and nasal congestion. It then said that "air is the symbol of the life force and fundamental to life on a physical level, difficulty in taking in breath through the nose is directly linked with taking in life. You tend to cut yourself off on a sensory level for fear of feeling your own suffering or the suffering of someone you love." More hmmmm....Then I looked up Lungs which again talks about this organ being the primary life force and that the lungs carry the life force to every cell in the body. It says that "lung disorders of any kind are an indication that you are feeling depressed. There is an underlying sadness. There may be a fear of suffering or death or of seeing someone else suffer or die." All kind of interesting if you ask me. And much of it rings very true. The thing I love about this book is that it really makes you look deeper into your illness to try and find a root cause. I find that when I do that, I can work on the root cause and get better faster. I'm not sure how to fix all of the above, but I'm certainly acknowledging it right now and trying to figure out how to move forward.

So...right now I'm just in recovery mode. Trying to get well...finally after 2 1/2 weeks of not feeling so great. My next couple of weeks will be busy and then I'll hopefully have a little down time and have a chance to make another chocolate cake and celebrate mom's birthday with her...finally!

Day 79: Happy Birthday!

My mom turns 73 today. It's a miracle really if you ask me.

I said to her last night, "Don't party too hard tonight on your last day of being 72." She didn't really understand at first and then I said, "It's your birthday tomorrow." She said, "It is? Oh, I knew it was coming up because I have so many cards...I just didn't know when."

That explains a lot of where my mom is right now. It's her birthday, but she wouldn't have known it if no one had told her.

I talked to her this morning and she told me that she got beautiful flowers delivered from 3 of her friends that she graduated with. She said they were her favorite flowers and she didn't know how they knew it. Then she said, "They shouldn't have done that." The more she says that, the more she tells us she doesn't understand why we're celebrating her birthday, the more I realize that she just doesn't feel important. She doesn't understand why anyone would want to do anything special for her or take any time out of their life for her. It's an interesting thing for me to see. I am a lot like her. It used to bother me that she was always like that, but now I just see it for what it is. It's probably what she has felt her entire life. I figure we'll probably never change the way she feels, but I think it's a good thing to have some time to try and make her understand how important she is.

So, tomorrow we'll be celebrating. Celebrating my mom, celebrating family, celebrating life, celebrating little miracles.

Happy Birthday Mom! :-) I am so incredibly grateful I can say that this year!

Days 75-78: Moments

Whew...nearly an entire week with no blog post. It has been a BUSY week here. We're all still getting over this stupid head cold, which has no turned into a chest cold for most of us. Lots of coughing and scratchy voices. Yuk.

But we also had some incredible weather here this week. Yesterday was well into the 90s. Crazy for early June here. A a little too hot for this native NWesterner. My webbed feet start drying out at 85 degrees. LOL!

Nonetheless, we felt like we really needed to take advantage of the weather this week and did spend a couple of mornings at the beach. The boys could spend hours throwing rocks into the water. And the water always calms me and gives me time for reflection.

I find myself living my normal life these days, but in sort of a parallel universe. A universe where my mom still has cancer. A universe where every day when I call my parents I wonder if something will have changed to signify that the cancer is taking over. These thoughts permeate nearly everything I do. Yet, when people ask me how my mom is doing, all I can really say is that she's doing remarkably well. I've had a lot of people ask me recently and when I answer, they have all told me how happy that makes them and that they've been praying for my mom. Wow...that's a lot of prayers for my mom. People who have never met her are praying for her. I know that I have friends and acquaintances who are praying. I know my brother does as well and other family members and friends of those friends who maybe we don't even know. And then I can't help but think...did God listen? Did he decide that my mom needed to be here more than he needed her in heaven. Could that be? Or maybe he answered by simply giving us more time for goodbyes.

I've been thinking about that a lot lately too. The title of this blog is Finding My Mom in Small Goodbyes. And yet, now, I don't want to say goodbye. I don't have the "big" conversations with my parents anymore. And maybe we still should, but I think we're all so much happier living in the world we're living in right now. The world where there is still a hospital bed in my parents' living room, but it's just currently another piece of furniture to sit on.

So, I talk to my parents twice a day. They always put me on speaker phone. And there's never a lot of exciting stuff to talk about. I think that's a good thing. We talk about our days and our plans and random stuff, but perhaps each one of those conversations is a small goodbye in itself. Before mom got sick, I talked to her mainly by e-mail. Our relationship had been strained since my divorce and instead of working through it, we just kind of kept things where they were. I really hate the fact that it took a terminal disease for my mom and I to talk again. But, at the same time, I'm grateful that we have this time. My mom always talked about losing her mom suddenly and how much it threw her. There was so much left unsaid, so much unresolved. I've worried about that my whole life and yet, had mom died quickly, I would have had the same fate. I do feel I've been given the gift of resolution with this time we've been given. I imagine I'll talk to my mom every morning and every evening for possibly the remainder of her life.

Sometimes we talk about funny things like this morning when I asked her how she kept Michael in shoes while he was growing up. He has two different sized feet, and so does Jonathan and I've found it quite a challenge buying reasonably priced shoes that somehow fit both his feet. So, we talked about how she dealt with that when we were kids. We talk about random stuff like that fairly often and I guess that's a small glimpse into my history. And when we talked about the shoes this morning, I had this moment of realizing that some day I won't have her around to ask all those questions. And that hit me kind of hard. 6 months ago, I never would have thought about a question like that. It wasn't a concern of mine. I'm going to have lots of new stuff come up as my kids get older, and I'm not going to have my mom to talk to about them. I hate that.

Yet, sometimes it's hard to talk to her even now. Her memory is still pretty bad and she has a hard time coming up with words too. She and dad seem a lot older to me than they did a couple of months ago. But maybe I just didn't notice them aging because I didn't want to. I see it now. I hear it in their voices. And sometimes I get off the phone and just sit in silence reflecting on all of this.

And then there are still the random moments when I find myself in tears out of no where. The boys I went shopping for birthday cards for my mom. I asked Jonathan to see if he could find one from he and his brother. He picked through a couple of cards and then handed one to me. I read it out loud so Christopher could hear it and see if he liked it. It's a short card, but as I got towards the end, my eyes welled up, my throat tightened and I had to take a breath. There was a woman re-stocking cards and out of the corner of my eye I could see her looking at us. I pulled myself together and finished the card and told Jonathan that it was lovely. Both of the boys looked at me and asked me what was wrong. And all I could tell them was that I didn't expect to be buying birthday cards for my mom this year and it made me a little more emotional than I expected.

The boys have been so good about all of this. They've seen their mom much more emotional than even usual. And they have been supportive and understanding...especially when I was hauling them up north once or twice a week. They've really been incredible and they really seem to understand what I'm feeling and can somehow empathize...even at their age. I'm blessed to have them.

Before ending this...a quick update on dad's visit with his Neurologist. Seems that everything is okay. He did say that stress can cause an increase in symptoms, but now that dad's stress level has decreased a bit, he seems to be stable, so that's a good thing as well!

And this weekend we celebrate mom's birthday. That is a VERY good thing! It will be a simple celebration, but yet a really wonderful one and one that we didn't expect to be having.

78 days ago, my mom was given 3 months to live. A month later, it seemed that it might be over already. But today is the day before her birthday and she is living. Really living. And that is definitely cause for celebration!

Days 72, 73 & 74: New things to keep my mind busy

Another 3 days in one blog. Again, I feel kind of good about that. Although I did have a client have a baby Sunday morning at 3:26am so was gone most of Saturday afternoon and all that night and am still in recovery mode. Thinking of blogging wasn't on my sleepy mind yesterday.

Today I made my daily morning call to mom and dad. We chatted about the week ahead. Mom has an appointment tomorrow with her hair stylist to see if there is something she can do with her hair now that it's starting to grow back in. I'm glad she's going as I think it will do her good to feel a little better about her appearance. I hardly notice her hair loss as it didn't all fall out. But I know she does, so I'm glad she's doing something to make herself feel better.

Then mom mentioned that Dad has his 6 month check up with his Neurologist on Thursday to see how his Parkinson's is doing. Mom said she is going with dad because she wants the doctor to know all he's been through lately. She sort of hinted that dad may be showing some more symptoms so I just flat out asked her what was going on. I'm pretty much at the point where I'm not going to be okay with any sort of secrets about their health any more. So, mom said that she has just noticed more tremors lately. Now, this could all just be the added stress and I'm glad mom is going to mention it to the doctor. But then the other, crazier, side of my brain starts thinking, "Oh boy...what if his meds are already wearing off?" But I guess I just have to let that go for right now. There will be more answers after Thursday and there is a very good possibility that dad is just under so much stress and that it has caused some more Parkinson's symptoms to appear.

On a more personal note, my application is sent in to become a college student again. I'm working on financial aid and I hope to begin classes this September. I spent some time figuring things out yesterday and if all goes as planned (yes...I know...that is unlikely...LOL!), I'll be done with my Bachelor's in March of 2011 and my Masters in August of 2013. I have to admit that I might have continued to procrastinate on all of this if it hadn't been for mom's illness. It really reminded me how short life can be. I don't want to sit around and wait for "tomorrow" to come anymore. I'm excited and terrified, all at the same time, at the prospect of being a college student again...while working and raising two boys at the same time. But it will all be worth it in the end. And 2013 will be here before I know it. It's coming no matter what. Would I rather have a Masters degree or no Masters degree when it gets here? I choose the Masters degree!

And today, I renewed my plan to get some of this stress weight off of me. I need to take control of that. I'm hoping to have 20lbs off by Jonathan's birthday in September and then 10 more by the end of the year. This also is spurred on my getting my family to eat better. I don't know what causes cancer, but I know that bagged and boxed food does not hold much of any nutritional value for anyone and my family eats that way much too often. It's time to start preparing more meals. I know we're busy. But it's time to make time for us all to be healthy. It's a priority.

And on even more of a side note...The boys and I went and saw Pixar's "UP" today. I found it to be much more of an adult movie than a kid movie and it really struck a chord with me. The story of an old man and what he does after he loses his wife was really kind of hit home on many different levels. Anyway...I'd recommend it if you were looking for a movie that has a lot of underlying themes rolled into one good storyline.

I guess that's enough for today. I have a busy June, but am excited one of the first things on the calendar is mom's birthday. That is such a good thing and I'm so happy to be able to be making a cake for her this year! She told me that this isn't a "special" (meaning a 60th, 70th, etc.) birthday. I told her it was absolutely a special birthday and more special that any other since just a month ago we didn't think any of us were going to see another birthday of hers. She understood that and was much more open to the idea of a small celebration so I'm really happy to be celebrating her birthday this year. If the doctors are right, it will be her last one. But I'm no longer convinced that anyone knows what is going to happen. So, for now I will celebrate her 73rd birthday and look forward to her 74th year on this earth!