Forever

I survived the first year without my mom. I did all the "firsts". First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first birthday, first Mother's Day, first anniversary of her death. I did it. But now, on the other side, what I've learned is that the first year after a death has odd correlation to the first year of marriage. That first year of marriage is the newlywed stage, but it's also a tough transition. Heck, a lot of divorces take place during that first year of marriage. But then, if you survive it, you start to settle in and "forever" truly begins. Okay, so not all marriages last in forever, but you get what I'm saying here.

Surviving the first year after my mom's death felt like a huge accomplishment. And then, the next day I woke up and realized...wait...now it's not "firsts" anymore. It's "forever". It's like the honeymoon period has ended and I had to leave the "first year" club and move in to the "rest of your life" club. Suddenly, old wounds were opened and I realized now it's just ALL holidays, ALL birthdays, every day, FOREVER...I am going to be without my mom. It was an odd realization. You would think one would know the forever part and on some level you do. But that first year is all about the "firsts" and I think we can forget or ignore the forever. Then the first year ends and forever is standing there staring you right in your face.

It's a whole new place. A whole new world. In some ways I can see how much better I am now than I was a year ago. And in some ways, I feel like I'm starting all over again because now I'm facing forever. And yes, I know I just have to do one day at a time. Yes, I know I don't have to live forever today or tomorrow or any other day for that matter. But right now, it's simply the concept of forever that I am having to work through.

Last year I couldn't bear to spend a holiday without family. I NEEDED them. I needed the reminder that, although my mom is gone, I still have an extended family that loves me and who I can enjoy and spend time with and know that we all miss my mom in our own ways. But this year is starkly different. I don't even want to acknowledge the holidays are coming. God, how I used to love Thanksgiving. It was my favorite holiday. Just family and food and no pressure of gifts. Just togetherness. But that's gone. It's just simply gone. The idea of Thanksgiving is tearing me to pieces. Because my reality is, I have my own family who shouldn't have to suffer simply because I can't tolerate the holidays. My boys, Olly, Olly's son Blake...they shouldn't have to stop enjoying holidays just because I can't enjoy them. But it's a huge internal conflict for me because THIS year, I just need them not to come. And, of course, I know they will. But I would like to be somewhere else...say Canada...where it's not Thanksgiving on November 25th.

Because THIS year begins FOREVER. I will NEVER have another holiday with my mom. That idea honestly didn't hit me last year because we were just trying to get through the "first". And my mom made Thanksgiving what it was for me. And there is a part of me that wants to try to recreate it. Heck, my mom was able to make my Thanksgivings even though her mom was gone. Why can't I do it? Okay, so maybe I CAN do it. I just don't WANT to this year. And I just want people to understand that and give me THIS year where I don't have to fake it. Give me a year when I can say out loud...I don't want to do the holidays. I think I need it in order to move on. But the responsible side of me says, "You have to pull it together for everyone else". That's what we do right?

If things go as planned, we'll be moving at the end of December. Two years ago, we moved on New Years Eve and it was Hell. Originally I couldn't believe we had managed to arrange it so that we'd be moving in winter again, during the holidays. But NOW...I love the idea. How can I arrange not to put up the Christmas tree? Really, what's the point of putting it up just to take it down to move? And now we have this beautiful piano in the house, which fills my house with gorgeous sounds played at the hands of an 8 year old, sitting where the Christmas tree used to go. There's really no place for it right now. So maybe this is the opportunity to do something different this year. Maybe we buy a mini live tree and we sparsely decorate it and we celebrate differently this year. That sounds good for my soul.

Hmmmm...maybe the holidays don't have to go entirely. Maybe there is a compromise in here somewhere. Maybe they just need to be different. Maybe there needs to be a transition. Maybe I need to stop trying to make the holidays how my mom made them because that's what I know. Maybe it's time to make the holidays different or new. Maybe that's what happens now.

Ahhhh...this is why blogging is so fascinating. As I made my way through this post it came with tears and sadness and then a revelation here at the end. I've been mulling this stuff over in my head for a couple of weeks now and never came to the idea that I just wrote here. Odd.

I've still got some thinking to do. I still would prefer to run away to some far away place for the next 2 months. But that isn't feasible. So, perhaps this year can just be different. Simple. I do know it's a year of transition. And I don't want to pretend that it isn't. I know that nothing will create that excitement over the holidays that I used to feel. Not this year anyway. And if I've learned anything about grief it's that I have to allow myself to feel this and experience it in order to get through it in a healthy way. Pretending I don't feel this way doesn't make me feel differently. It just makes everyone else feel better about it all. And I have spent an entire lifetime doing what makes everyone else happy. This year, I need to do what is right for me too.

So, the holidays are coming. Forever is here. I may not like any of it, but I have to face it all. I just need to do it in a way that honors what I've been through and what is to come while still honoring "today" and what it is. I'm sure there is a happy medium in there somewhere. Keep checking in here to see if I find it. :-)