Day 36: Reality

Today was a hard day. The boys and I headed up to see mom and dad. We arrived around 12:30pm. Mom was sleeping. Dad had made it out to his Kiwanis meeting this morning which was good. He told me that he told mom not to get out of bed, but she managed to make her way into the kitchen at one point to get something. I guess it's good that she could do it, but I don't want her to be so stubborn that she ends up falling one of these days.

She is still sleeping in her own bed. She refuses to sleep in the hospital bed. That's fine, except that she's doing more tossing and turning now so dad isn't getting a good night's sleep. That concerns me.

I spent some time going through all the paperwork that the long term care insurance company had sent dad. I completed it all, we got copies of mom's Power of Attorney to attach to it and we sent it all back. I made several phone calls to hospice and pharmacies as well trying to get mom's medication all filled. Apparently there is a shortage of Morphine in the country right now. Interesting.

Around 2:30pm, the gal from hospice showed up. She's kind of the caretaker person. The nurse and social worker came earlier this week. This gal is just there to take care of whatever mom needs to make her feel better. Mom was pretty wiped out when she got there so they didn't spend a lot of time talking, but she will be coming back on Monday and will help mom get in a good shower and maybe give her a foot massage or whatever mom feels she needs.

I read through the hospice notebook that had been left for mom and dad earlier in the week. Between meeting the gal from hospice and reading that notebook, a lot of stuff really started hitting me. There is a whole section on how to tell death is near. When to call family so they can be there. What to do after death. I found myself reading it through tears.

I'm really good at paperwork and making phone calls and talking to people. I can do all of that. I can talk to people about necessary things. But to read all of that today, it just all started hitting me. I know my mom is dying. But we have paperwork at her house now that tells us what signs to look for as death comes near. We have people coming to give her some comfort and peace for whatever time she has left. Mom looked so tired today and she's saying she doesn't want visitors again. I'm not staying away anymore. But I hate that she's pushing others away. People want to say their good-byes.

And then there's dad. He looks so tired. When I talk to him on the phone, he sounds so tired. I told that to Olly last night and he looked at me and said, "So do you". I do? I feel like I sound exactly the same. I know I look more tired and ragged. But I thought I was masking my exhaustion fairly well.

I'm trying to convince dad he needs to take up offers of help from their church and hospice volunteers. He needs to take care of himself too.

Mom received a couple of cards from friends today. One was from a childhood friend who was writing to her with some fun memories of sneaking out and pooling money to buy gas at .30/gallon and then buying and splitting a pack of cigarettes with any money they had left over. Mom doesn't remember any of it. And it just all made me sad.

Today was just so hard. Sitting in the car for about 4 1/2 hours didn't help with the exhaustion (Friday traffic is no fun...even in the carpool lanes)! But I left mom and dad's feeling so sad today. Mom is sleeping away most of her day. That was the first thing on the list of signs that death is coming close.

I'm not ready. But I'm feeling that it's so near.

I'm just not ready. And I'm so scared. My mom isn't in that body that is sleeping in that bed. She's leaving already. And I miss her so much.

I just want to go back to the world I lived in 5 weeks ago. I hate this place I'm in now. I just hate it. Nothing feels normal or right anymore. I'm mad and sad and scared all at once. I'm functioning. I can work. I'm ready to do a birth this weekend if someone goes into labor. But inside...deep inside...I'm not the same person and I know I never will be again.

And that makes me so mad. None of this is fair. My mom is such a good, loving, kind, caring person. Why her? Why? We don't even have any answers about any of this. One day she was fine, the next day she had some elusive cancer and now she is dying. That's it. I just hate it.

Today I felt like someone punched me in the gut again. Just like I felt 5 weeks ago when I got the phone call from my mom and dad. Maybe it's because I'm running out of things to do. The paperwork is dwindling. Mom is home and now it feels like we're just waiting for death to knock on the door. And I just want to hold the door shut. I want more time.

I'm not ready. I know I never will be. And I have no choice to face what is happening. But I hate it. I simply hate it. And I don't know how to stop hating it. I don't know how to stop feeling this way. The pain is so enormous. It's bubbling up. I'm holding it down for as long as I can. But it's coming and I can't stop it.

And I'm just not ready.