Day 69, 70 & 71: Daily Grind

Wow...3 days in one blog post. How boring my life has become. And yet, it doesn't feel like I have any extra time on my hands. How does that work?

After the excitement of my nephew's birth last week, the boys and I all got sick this week. I'm starting to feel better finally. Christopher is on the mend, Jonathan is right in the thick of it. And I can't help but reflect on the timing of it all. I couldn't have had any of us sick for the past 71 days. There just wasn't time. Okay, so we had little things here and there, but nothing that lasted a week. I guess I shouldn't be surprised that once things finally settled down, our body's defense systems came off high alert as well. But we're getting through it, although it's been an incredibly long week.

I haven't talked to mom and dad this afternoon, although talked to them as usual this morning and as of right then, they were still planning on attending Eileen's funeral today. I'm hoping they made it. I'll find out more when I call tonight.

I talked to Hospice yesterday because mom had started saying that she didn't think she needed them anymore. I didn't like the idea of just not having Hospice anymore, so I was curious to hear what Hospice would say themselves. I talked to Ruth, one of mom's nurses, and she said that mom certainly still falls within the boundaries of Hospice care, but that they were more than happy to cut back to just one visit a week. She said she thought it was good for someone to still come and take mom's vitals once a week and I agreed. She also said that this gives my dad the 1-800 hotline to call 24/7 in case they need anything. She said that mom's case would be reviewed at her 3 month mark in July and we could all re-assess things then. As we were hanging up Ruth asked me if she could ask me a question. She mentioned that mom's memory was pretty bad and was wondering if that was normal or more intense since the cancer diagnosis. I told her it was much worse since the cancer and then the chemo. But I was so grateful she mentioned it because so many others seem to be ignoring it. She said that she was definitely keeping an eye on it and would continue to do so. I thanked her for everything and then called and talked to mom about what Ruth had said. She agreed that it made sense to still have someone coming by once a week. And I think dad really would still like that, so I think we're all in agreement for now.

Today I put my college application in the mail. It's time to move forward with that. I mentioned it to mom and dad last night and they were so pleased.

I'm hoping next week to get back to my regular work-out schedule. I'm so very good of taking care of other people, but tend to neglect myself in the process and I'm feeling that neglect lately. I think this cold this week was my body's way of reminding me that in order to take care of everyone else, I have to take care of myself too.

It sounds like I'll likely be birthing this weekend, so hopefully come Monday, we'll all be feeling better and maybe can enjoy some of our lovely weather and I can get in a little self-care too. We'll see how that goes...every week seems to hold something new these days. A little boring, now and then, really isn't so bad.

Day 68: Miracles

So, today the Hospice nurse visited mom. She discussed with mom and dad the idea of only having a nurse visit once a week instead of twice. Mom and dad thought that was more than fine. They told me that she asked them if they believed in miracles because she felt like mom really was one.

And after yesterday's blog...I just don't know what to make of any of this. The cancer couldn't have just gone away, right? That doesn't happen. But then what did happen? What is happening? And why do I feel the need to have answers?

Maybe all the prayers worked. Because boy were a lot of people praying for mom.

But then I wonder what happened to her friend Eileen. Was it just her time and it really wasn't moms? Will I still be blogging years from now about my mom and her miraculous recovery? I would love nothing more.

On another note, I had arranged to rent the hall at mom and dad's church for her birthday. I called to talk to mom about it and she said, "Can we just not do that?" It was vintage mom. She doesn't want a party now. Even a small one. So, I have to respect her wishes. It's just classic of mom...and I guess that's a good thing in a way. But I'm kind of bummed about it. I still don't know that this won't be her last birthday and I just wanted to celebrate the fact that she was still here on THIS birthday when we didn't think she would be. But it's HER birthday and I can't force a celebration upon her...so I'm thinking maybe just a small family gathering up at mom and dad's? I guess I don't really know right now.

So, that's been today. My brain doesn't know what to think anymore. And I just have to keep reminding myself to enjoy this time and not over-think it. But my brain has never worked that way. Still learning lessons I guess...

Day 66 & 67: Wasting time in non-productive ways

So, I have a head cold. I hate being sick. But it's really made me think about how much I hate this simple head cold and how sick mom was a little over a month ago and how much I would hate living like that. It makes me understand and respect her decision even more.

But since I haven't had much energy to do anything but lie around...and I hate lying around...I've found myself on the computer today researching cancer.

I have to admit that my brain is really struggling with how well mom is doing. I LOVE that she is well. I LOVE it! And I want it to last. And I wish I could just enjoy it, but I can't help but wonder why she is doing so well. Why hasn't she needed her stomach drained in 4 weeks? Could the little chemo she had have actually helped this much? Or is there more to this? That's the part that's difficult. I want to believe my mom is the miracle. But the other part of me is still on constant guard, waiting for the first phone call when my dad tells me that mom isn't feeling so well.

And I really don't like this part of my personality that just can't accept the way things are. I suppose it's another lesson I need to learn.

I can't find anything that talks about someone becoming THIS good after spending 2 days in the ICU after chemo. What I have found is things like this:

* The overall prognosis of patients with cancer of unknown primary origin with multiple organ involvement and poor performance status is grave; the median survival is only 3-4 months. The 1-year survival rate is less than 15%, with a 5-year survival of 5-10%.

* Median survival ranges from 11 weeks to 11 months. The 5-year overall survival rate is about 11%.

* Ovarian Cancer accounts for only 3% of Cancer of Unknown Primary cases.

None of that sounds good. But what is the point of dwelling on that? Why do I even feel the need to look it all up? I am an answer person. I like having answers. Perhaps I need to learn that there isn't always an answer for everything.

Every day just seems to get better. When I call in the morning and evenings, dad picks up the phone on speaker and I talk to both of them. And they sound good.

And I think I just need to learn to be happy about that.

Maybe it's being sick and in kind of a vulnerable state, but I've just found myself very teary today. Maybe it's just that the tears have finally started to rebuild after all I lost during the time mom was in the hospital. Thankfully, the fluid in mom's stomach hasn't rebuilt itself, and neither it seems, has her cancer. Maybe Eileen's death has hit very close to home (mom and dad sent me her obituary today). Maybe it's just a combination of lots of stuff. I suppose tears aren't bad things...I guess it's just time for more refection.

But I'm working on simply being grateful for where my mom is right now...and letting the need to "why" go away. It's not easy...but I'm working on it.

I kind of forgot that today was a holiday so I will be calling around for birthday locations tomorrow and we'll see what comes out of that. I know we'll find some place. This birthday celebration has to come together so I know the right place is out there. This is a well deserved and much needed celebration so I have no doubts we'll pull it all together in the time we have available.

For now, it's back to lying down for me and practicing the art of letting go...

Day 64 & 65 - Continued improvement

Well, I guess this is more progress...Hospice is cutting back their visits to mom. My plan is to call them on Monday and talk to them again about all of this. I guess I just need the continued reminder that mom does have cancer and things will most likely change again. It's interesting how easily my brain can believe that maybe somehow, miraculously, mom's cancer just went away.

But perhaps the two rounds of chemo that she did actually accomplished something. And it was all that she needed to give her more time. I know it doesn't work that way for everyone. But I'll certainly take what I can get.

Mom's good friend, Eileen, was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer about a month or two before mom got her diagnosis. Eileen attempted chemo, but it just made her sicker (like mom). She decided to stop it at as well, and a week ago, started Hospice care. She died last night at home surrounded by her family.

That's a sad reminder of how blessed we truly are. Eileen was a wonderful woman and it's so sad to me that she is gone. I wish I could figure out a way to get to her funeral on Friday, but I may have to send my wishes from afar.

I saw mom and dad today briefly. I brought my best friend Shannon by for a visit. Mom and dad seem so happy and so comfortable. Shannon said my mom looked so much better than she expected. That's what everyone says. I can't argue with that.

Mom talked to me today about an appointment she has with her hair stylist. She doesn't want to be pre-emptive and thinks that maybe not enough hair has grown back in to do anything with it, but I told her I thought it was a wonderful thing for her to be going in and that her stylist can give her some ideas or, if nothing else, tell her what to expect and when a good time to come back in will be. I love that she is planning ahead for things like this. Again...all really good signs of progress. I just so want it to stay this way!!

I didn't get a chance to call around for birthday locations yesterday. I'm going to start that on Monday, but keep holding Sunday, June 7th on your calendar! I think mom is actually looking forward to celebrating her birthday. And so am I! :-)

Day 62 & 63: New Baby!

My mom met her new grandson today.

It feels like a miracle.

Not only did she meet him, but she rode all the way up to the hospital to make sure she got to hold him just hours after he was born.

We have a new family member. His middle name is mom's maiden name. It was one of those joyous days a family has when it welcomes a new member. I experience it with other families all the time. But today was MY family. And it's always an incredible miracle.

The boys and I had so much fun up in Bellingham. It took me back to all the times mom and dad took Michael and I to a hotel for the weekend just to get out of the house and use the pool. The boys LOVED being at a hotel and they LOVED the pool and we really had a wonderful time together.

And on our drive home today I found myself very emotional. It just all seemed so overwhelming. I was concerned about a funeral and a birth at the same time not that long ago. Today, my mom was able to hold her new grandson and enjoy him. It was amazing and beautiful.

I talked to both mom and dad about a little celebration for her birthday and she is totally on board. So tomorrow, in between laundry, I start figuring where to do this. For those of you reading who would like to come celebrate mom's birthday and her life, I'm planning for Sunday, June 7th. I'll post more when I know more. But I could use all the help I could get. I want it to be simple for everyone...but all the help and suggestions I can get are more than welcome!

I need to get some sleep. Hotels for adults don't have the same allure as they do for children. And I found myself having a difficult time sleeping last night. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.

But it's been a wonderful couple of days. Spring has sprung, the weather has been beautiful, the days are longer, my mom is here to enjoy them and I became an Aunt for the 2nd time today.

I'm so thankful for it all! :-)

Day 61: The up side of hospitals

Tonight I'm preparing for a trip up north to hang out in a hospital again...but this time it will be in Bellingham while we welcome my new nephew into the world. :-)

I probably won't blog for a day or two as I'll be away from my computer.

All I can really say right now is that a month ago, none of us thought mom was going to meet her new grandson. And now she will. And it's an incredible blessing.

I plan to stop by and see mom and dad on my way up to Bellingham. And plan to talk to them about a birthday party for mom. I hope they'll agree. After the past couple of months, our family deserves some celebrating.

A new baby and a birthday we didn't think mom would ever see. Definitely reasons for celebrating!

Day 60: The difference a month can make

Okay, so I already know the difference one day can make. But as I was typing in "Day 60" I decided to see what we were doing 30 days ago. And I was stunned to realize that on Day 30, mom was in the hospital. It's been a month!

At this time on Day 30, I was facing what seemed to be the fact that my mom was quickly dying. She didn't remember things. Sometimes didn't remember me. She was in ICU.

But now, 30 days later, no one could have imagined the improvement in her. I need to remember things like this. No matter what level of despair you are in, there is always hope. And we all tried to keep it when things looked hopeless. And what little glimmer we had kept us going. And here we are today. Mom and dad are living. They are going to the casino. Mom is enjoying food again. They are eating out.

I'd almost call it a miracle, except I know the cancer is still there. But it certainly is a small blessing and a gift of time none of us thought we would have.

It's been quite a rollercoaster two month period. I'm a little apprehensive as we head into month three, but I will continue to be grateful for the time we have and will keep up hope that things will continue to stay the way they are for a long time to come. :-)

Day 59: Relaxed Sunday

Not much news today...after yesterday's post, I think I'll keep this short. I'm still kind of processing the whole Farrah Fawcett story. I can't seem to get it out of my mind. She fought...and got almost 3 years out of her fight. But she was miserable during so much of it. I don't want that for mom. I respect that fight. It takes great strength. I also think it takes great strength to simply choose to live in as good of health as possible what time is left. Farrah Fawcett and my mom are both incredible, strong women who were stricken with cancer. Both chose to deal with their diagnosis differently. Neither choice was right or wrong. Only right for them individually.

What I know to be true is that cancer is a horrible thing. It robs people of everything before it takes their life. No matter how you address it. Whether you fight it or not. The ending is ultimately the same. And that makes me sad and angry.

But every time I get there, I try to find myself back to today where things are good. Mom is living life. Spring has sprung and mom is getting to see it and enjoy it. And that is all VERY good!

Day 58: First Long Talk in a LONG Time

I worked most of today and didn't call mom and dad this morning because I didn't want to bother them too early. I called around 5pm tonight and dad was eating so he put mom on the phone. It was almost like old times. Years ago, I talked to my mom every day. I considered her one of my best friends. But I was keeping a big secret from her. I was living in a terrible marriage. But it was one she thought was so wonderful and I didn't want to let her down, so I kept the secret so she wouldn't worry. I often wondered if that made our relationship a little less than sincere or as real as it could have been. But I had spent most my life trying to make my mom proud of me. And I felt like she finally was...even if what she was proud of wasn't real.

And then reality all came crashing down...as it was inevitably going to do one day. And I realized then, that it would have helped the fall out if I had been honest with my mom all along, because she was shocked and stunned and confused. When my marriage finally crumbled under the weight it had been living, it didn't surprise me...but it surprised everyone else in my life, because I had kept it all a secret from everyone in my life (I told that to my mom later, but I don't think she felt any better knowing that she wasn't the only one who didn't see this coming).

At that time, mom and I quit talking. I sensed she was disappointed in me. I sensed she was angry. And I learned that she was in touch with my ex-husband and seemed (to me) to be taking his side. I couldn't tolerate that. And my anger boiled to the surface and I just had to break away from her. I was so hurt. I wanted my mom to support me. I wanted her to hold me and say, "I don't understand, but I love you and I'm here for you." But that's not what I got. And I was angry about it. I guess I expected people to just jump to the place where I was already living. The problem was that I had years and years to get there and I was expecting everyone to join me overnight.

Looking back, I learned a lot about myself over the past 3 1/2 years. I have become the woman I always knew was deep inside of me, but was suppressed living the secret I was living. I also learned that I could live without my mom. I had become reliant on her. I talked to her every day. Sometimes for an hour or more. I rehashed my day. I talked about my kids. I talked about my job. I talked about my house. But I never talked about my marriage. And I think she became my escape from reality sometimes.

When we stopped talking (or I stopped talking to her anyway), I had to learn to live on my own. For a while, I found a therapist to replace my mom (she listened because I paid her...;-)). During therapy I learned about myself. I learned about my past. I learned about my relationship with my mom. I learned about truth. I learned about love. I learned about living in truth and loving myself. I learned a lot about who I am. And I learned I was ok on my own.

I believe I needed to understand all of that (and more) before my mom and I could move forward with our relationship. And we did move forward. Except it wasn't the same. I mostly e-mailed. The times mom and I did talk, it was strained. Sometimes she said stuff that really made me angry and I had to pull back again.

I've looked back and have begun to wonder if maybe this cancer wasn't causing some problems for mom over the past year (and maybe longer). Some of the things that came out of her mouth were just odd and sometimes very hurtful. And it just didn't seem like my mom. Michael and Kiersten noticed things too. We attributed it to mom getting older and just saying what she wanted, but I'm not entirely convinced that the cancer didn't have something to do with it anymore.

But no matter what the reason...I had kind of accepted that my mom and I would never have the same kind of relationship we once had and that that was just the way it needed to be.

Things changed 58 days ago. When the threat of losing my mom was staring me in the face, I knew I had to salvage whatever relationship mom and I had left. It's the reason I started this blog. Mom and I have always had an up and down relationship, but the past few years have held the most change and the most challenges.

I have called my parents' house at least once a day for the past 58 days. Over the past 2 weeks, I've been talking to my mom more as her health has improved. Today I talked to her for a half hour. That's the longest conversation the two of us have had in a very long time. And it was a good conversation. It was about stuff I never wanted to have conversations about with my mom...things like hospitals and stomach draining and cancer and death. But it was actually a good conversation. It was an honest conversation. And maybe that's why it was so good.

At the end of our talk, mom made a point to mention to me that Olly had been very good to her the past few times we had been up there. I told her he was a good guy. She told me that yes, he was. And then told me that she wanted to make sure she told me how good he had been to her. She said she was glad I had him. I told her I was too. And I meant it. And I think she knew it. I mentioned to her that when she went to the hospital, I dropped everything on Olly. I said, "I'm leaving" and I left. I would come home at night and go back first thing in the morning. I missed most of his birthday. And he was just always there. But I told mom that I would do it all over again. And she said, "I know you would. I know that very well. You made that very clear." I jokingly said, "See, I'm not such a bad kid." And she said, with all sincerity and many of years of ups and downs behind it, "No...no you are not." And those 5 words meant everything to me. She doesn't remember her time in the hospital, but I remember every moment. What she knows is that I was there. Maybe because people told her or maybe because she remembers bits and pieces, but she knows I was there. And she is grateful.

When my mom and I hung up I told her to tell dad that I loved him and she said, "And he loves you too." I said, "I love you too mom" and she said, "I know you do. And I love you so much."

And it was real. There are no secrets anymore. What would be the point of secrets now? Our relationship is real now. And I treasure each moment of it.

Right now I have my mom. There are no expectations on either of our part. We simply love one another and that's all that matters. She knows I will always be there for her. And I know she loves me. And that's what matters.

If cancer gave me this gift, then there is a part of me that is actually thankful for it. I don't know how to be thankful for this stupid, awful disease. But I am thankful for THIS time. Right now. In spite of, or maybe because of, this cancer, I have been given a gift that I will treasure long after my mom is gone.

My mom turns 73 in 3 weeks. I think it's time for a birthday party. Anyone interested? Nothing major. But a celebration of mom's life. A time to tell stories, share memories, smile and laugh. I haven't mentioned it to mom and dad yet, but I intend to. We had discussed a life celebration for her when she was in the hospital, but then she was so sick we didn't think she was going to live long. Now, I feel like we've been given time and what better time to celebrate than on her birthday?

13 years ago I threw her a surprise 60th birthday party. I sent out about 100 invitations and expected maybe 1/3 to a 1/2 of those people to show. I think about 80 or so of those people came. I realized then how much my mom was loved. I think now is a good time to remind her again. :-)

On a complete side note...I watched "Farrah's Story" last night. I cried most of the way through it...I'll rehash that in a later post. She is a brave woman. And her fight has been a valiant one. But she was fighting a losing battle...that is almost over for her. Her story hit me hard. And made me even more grateful for this time...and these moments...with my mom. And I will continue to treasure every single day I have with her.

Day 56 & 57: Good News!

It's kind of nice when there is a day when I just have nothing to blog about like yesterday. Mom and dad are are doing so well that some days it truly is same old, same old which is really a great thing.

I still call every morning and night just to check in. Today when I called dad had gone to his Kiwanis meeting and mom turned the Hospice volunteer away because she just felt like she was fine on her own. And she does seems to be just fine quite honestly.

Everyone asks me about my mom and it's just so odd to try and explain how well she is doing. It's almost as if those 5 days in the hospital didn't even happen. Although ask dad and he'll tell you he knows they did because he's seeing the bills roll in! But it really is amazing how well she is doing.

The great news tonight was 1) Mom and dad made it to dinner with Jim and Nancy. This is FANTASTIC! Mom said the food was wonderful, that it was great to see Jim and Nancy and that the entire staff at the restaurant was happy to see them. She said there were lots of hugs and kisses. Kind of makes me tear up a little just thinking about it. And then 2) the Hospice nurse could barely contain herself when she arrived at mom and dad's today. She had news for them. It has been decided that when mom needs her stomach drained, the Hospice doctor will come to their house to do it! This is incredible news. We never even imagined that being an option. This takes so much stress off of mom and dad (and me too!). I am just overwhelmed by Hospice. Everyone told me that we would be pleased with them, but they have just been incredible. I am so thankful for them.

I had a little moment driving home from a prenatal visit with clients today. Maybe it's just the first time I've been alone in my car in some time. But I was driving over a bridge, the sun was setting and, for just a moment, it took me back to all those nights driving home from the hospital and it got to me. I don't think any tears actually fell...but they were building up in my eyes.

I know the cancer is still there. I know this journey has just begun. But I'm honestly hoping this portion of it can be long. The portion where mom sounds like herself and can get out and have fun. I want this to last a long, long time.

Day 55: Enjoying Life

I made my daily morning call to mom and dad this morning and talked to mom for a while. Aunt Judy is coming over today and I'm so happy that she and mom are actually going to be able to enjoy some time together because mom is doing so much better. Mom and dad have also scheduled dinner out on Friday night with their friends Jim and Nancy. The 4 of them have done dinner once a week for years, but haven't been to dinner in some time since mom got sick. Jim has cancer as well and is fighting it with all he has, but has been struggling as well. I'm just so happy that they're doing dinner again. That's a good sign. Mom and dad also went to the casino yesterday and BOTH gambled this time which is another great sign. In classic dad fashion, he told me that mom won $7.00 and he lost .21 cents. An accountant stays an accountant forever! I don't know that anyone else knows exactly how much money they lose to the penny! LOL!

Today is the day that someone from the church brings mom and dad communion and it's just nice to know that someone is always checking on them. Of course Aunt Judy will be there today too. And right now, I think they're both doing so well. Nonetheless, I still find myself getting tense before I call them in the morning and evening. I find myself wondering if this will be the call when dad says mom isn't feeling so well. I'm trying...really, really trying...to live in this moment...in this time where mom feels good. But, always, in the back of my head...I know that things could change at any minute. And the way my brain works...it's hard for me not to think about those things.

But believe me, I am certainly so grateful every time I hear dad say that mom is doing well or have mom tell me that herself. She and I talked about the fact that she and dad are really getting out more and she told me that they both talked about it and decided that they couldn't just sit and stare at each other anymore. I told mom that there are lots of people that live longer than their initial diagnosis. And that getting out and living life might just be the positive thing she needs. And even if the diagnosis holds true...she will have lived the time she had left instead of just waiting to die.

So, this is definitely a small blessing right now. I have noticed that I don't find myself so exhausted every day. I feel like I'm able to relax a little more than before. I feel like maybe I'm actually sleeping better at night and waking more refreshed. That's all good and important for my well-being too.

We keep moving forward. That's all we can do. And I remain grateful for every positive day we are given!

Day 54: Reflection

I've found myself in a state of deep reflection lately. I have mentioned to a few people that I feel a transformation happening inside of me. It's not something I asked for. I wasn't looking for it. I didn't feel like I needed a big transformation. But it's happening. And perhaps it's exactly what I need. But I anticipate it won't be a quick transformation and that there will be a lot of learning to do in the process.

As I mentioned a while back, I had purchased a couple of books about Mother loss. The first couple didn't really do anything for me. They were okay, but nothing special. But a friend recently recommended the book "Being with Dying", by Joan Halifax to me so I purchased it off of Amazon.com. As Amazon always does, it gave me other recommendations based on that title. One of them was "Grieving the Death of a Mother" by Harold Ivan Smith. Based on the reviews, I decided to order that too. That turned out to be the book that came first and I started reading it right away. I found it hard to put down. It was exactly what I had been looking for. There are so many good things in this book and I'm sure I'll share a lot of it down the road, but one of the things that really stuck out to me was a quote by Patti LaBelle that said, "A girl never really becomes a woman until she loses her mother." And that's the transformation I feel like is happening to me.

I find myself making my decisions differently. I suddenly "feel" like the mom. Maybe it's because my mom and I are switching rolls and I'm beginning to actually mother her. Or maybe it's just that I know she's never going to be able to mother me anymore and I'm having to buck it up. Or if it's just simply the idea that when my mom dies, I move up a generation...just like that. I realized a while back that I had moved up a generation without really noticing. I was at the funeral of my uncle and watched as my mom and aunts and uncles all sat in front while myself and my cousins all stood and either were holding toddlers or had children next to us. I remembered being one of those kids at funerals of my grandparents' generation. And suddenly it occurred to me that my mom was now part of the grandparent generation. And myself and my brother and all my cousins had moved up in to the parent generation. I don't really know that I can move up to the grandparent generation just yet...but when your mom dies, and you are the only daughter, you somehow become the Matriarch in the family. And somewhere, part of me, is preparing myself for that role.

I've also recently found myself wrapped up in the story of Farrah Fawcett and her battle with cancer that seems to be coming to an end. I saw a quote from Ryan O'Neal today who is preparing to lose her. He said, "It's insidious, cancer. It thinks - it lets you think you're ahead." He went on to explain that for quite a period of time Farrah Fawcett was doing well. She looked good, she was up and about, she was eating. And then about 6 months ago, things turned.

This hit me hard. I feel like that's exactly what's happening with my mom. The cancer is letting us think we're ahead. And I've actually been believing that. Even as this strange transformation is taking place inside of me, a part of me has started to believe that maybe mom could be the one that beats the diagnosis. Maybe she's going to prove them all wrong. If anyone could do that, it would be my mom. But perhaps this is that good period where the cancer is letting us think we're ahead. And that scares me. I look back on the past 54 days and I think of where I was on day 1. I was lost. I was terrified. I couldn't stop crying. Along the way, there have been very down moments...those 5 days I spent driving back and forth while mom was in the hospital were very likely the longest and hardest 5 days of my life. But since then, things have improved so much. I don't find myself randomly breaking down like I did then. I still have my moments, but they are fewer and further between. Mom is doing so much better.

But my brain knows she still has cancer. And she is still dying. And that any day could be the day that the cancer makes it clear that it is still in charge here.

And so I live my life. I buy groceries. I teach childbirth classes. I go to the library. I make beds. I clean bathrooms. I take out the garbage. I join families as they welcome a new baby. I work out. I smile and laugh.

But always in the back of my mind, I hear something that draws me back to the reality of my mom's situation. It is always there. In "Being with Dying", Joan Halifax says, "As death draws near, a dying person may hear a still small voice inviting her to freedom. Sitting with the dying, sitting still in meditation, and sitting at the edge of cultures different from my own, I have also encountered that still small voice. It is there to speak to us all, if we can give it enough silence to be heard." Maybe that's what I hear. Maybe that small voice is preparing me for my mom's freedom. Maybe it is preparing me for what my mom's freedom means to me.

I'm not sure about it all yet. I just know it's there. I am transforming. I knew I would not come out of this the same woman I was when I went into it. But I didn't expect the physical, emotional, and spiritual transformation that is slowly taking place. And there is something out there guiding my way. Is it God? Is it a spirit? Is it the voice of death? I don't know what it is. And I just have to let it be. What I know on some level I don't quite understand is that when that voice is gone, my mom will be gone too. And she will take over for that voice. She will guide me. She will watch over me. And as painful as that thought can be at times...at other times it gives me a sense of peace.

There is still a journey to be walked here. I don't know how long this path is that I am following. I don't know where it leads. I don't know what I'll find at the end. But I know that it will be (and already is) a transforming journey.

Day 53: Chores, daily life and kindness of strangers

I made my normal call to mom and dad this morning and dad said mom had decided it was time to wash the sheets. I knew that would be an adventure. When I called back just a few minutes ago, dad said it was definitely a slow process, but it got done and they were looking forward to clean sheets tonight. I told them next time they just need to let me know when they want it done and I'll do it when I'm up there one day.

Dad also mentioned that he noticed last night that one of his tires had a nail in it when he and mom ran to the grocery store. He got it all taken care of, but I just think that kind of daily stuff should just be wiped out for them. They shouldn't have to deal with it. But I guess I don't run the world. ;-)

And then he mentioned that two ladies from the church called today to see if there was anything they could do for mom and dad. Dad mentioned that they could use some weeding on one side of their house and the ladies said they'd be right over. They asked if they could bring lunch and dad said they were fine. So, the women showed up with a plate of cookies and some fruit and did a beautiful job weeding for mom and dad. Mom and dad were so surprised and pleased. Those kinds of things just touch my heart so very much. I'm making a call to the church tomorrow just to say thanks.

So, we keep plugging along. I've found myself in a very weird mood today. It's becoming so obvious how stressed out I am just with my daily life and my constant childcare struggles and then my mom and dad are always on my mind. And anything over that pushes me over the edge. My patience is short and today I just don't know what to do with it. But tomorrow is another day I guess. I think I'm needing some good taking care of of my own, but that is often hard to come by for a busy mom. And makes me feel kind of guilty for even wanting it.

I'm hoping to have an answer tomorrow about the catheter situation for mom. I called Hospice this morning and they didn't have one yet, but were working on it. They are really right on top of things. They've been incredible. The nurse visits mom and dad tomorrow so I'm hoping she'll have some answers for them then.

Same old, same old kind of seems like a good thing right now I guess. Although our same old, same old is a bit different than it was 54 days ago. But I'll take what I can get right now. :-)

Day 52: Mother's Day

Today was most likely my last Mother's Day with my mom.

It was a simple day. Michael, Kiersten and Gus met myself and Olly and my boys up at mom and dad's. Kiersten brought a beautiful bowl of fruit and orange juice. I brought up, and Olly and I cooked bacon, eggs and cinnamon rolls. Mom ate quite a bit. Most the food was gone by the time we were all done. It was worth every minute of the 3 hours in the car up and back and the hour and a half of cooking.

One thing I regret is that we didn't get pictures today. I had planned to get pictures of me and Michael and Mom and Dad. But before I knew it, Michael and Kiersten were heading out so they could get home before Gus needed his nap. I remember those days of having a 2 year old SO well. :-O

So, I missed the photo op. We'll have to do it the next time we're together...soon! I want pictures of mom like this. I will take pictures later too. But I want the ones right now, while she's feeling better.

Tomorrow I call Hospice to talk to them about the catheter for mom's stomach. Her nurse told her that they still think she should do it. So I'm going to follow up and get the pros and cons and then mom can take it from there. It would certainly reduce mom's stress level of constantly having to worry about getting in and getting it drained before it gets too bad. So, there's something big to be said about that.

In 11 days, my new nephew will be here. 50 days ago...heck 3 weeks ago...I wasn't sure my mom would see Mother's Day. And she did. None of us felt good about the possibility of her meeting her new grandson. Now we believe she will. And may very likely see her own birthday in 27 days (although I know lots can change in that time...but I refuse to quit believing).

I would love to have more Mother's Days with my mom. But if this is the last one I get, it will be one filled with smiles and hugs. I will hold those smiles and hugs close to my heart forever.

Small blessings.

I'll take each and every one of them.

Day 51: Still doing well

I talked to dad twice today and he just sounds so much more upbeat and says that mom is doing great.

Although, I did talk to her yesterday and she divulged that she fell last week when they were at IHOP. Dad had to pick her up off the ground. She was lying flat. They both were experiencing some aches and pains from the experience. I'm glad she finally told me but I told her that she couldn't hide that stuff. She is terrified of being put back in the hospital, but I told her that if she tells the Hospice people, their whole goal is to keep her home. They aren't going to send her off to the hospital. She understood and said that she promised to be more careful and that she would tell me those kind of things in the future. We'll see... ;-)

But aside from her weakness and her memory, she is doing so much better. And it makes me feel so happy to hear mom and dad upbeat.

And so I continue to focus on the now. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I'm looking forward to it. It's supposed to be decent weather. I'm making breakfast up at mom and dad's. We won't stay more than a few hours, but I'm hoping it will be a really good day. Our family really deserves a good day all together! Mother's Day definitely holds an incredible amount of meaning to me this year. It should have in the past as well. I know I can't have regrets...but I do. This will be the last Mother's Day with my mom. I should have spent more with her. But I will make the best out of the one I have left.

Tomorrow is a day to celebrate Mothers. Whether you are one or still have one here to celebrate, or one to honor that isn't here anymore, or just know some incredible mothers, it's a day for all of them tomorrow. I hope it's a good one for all of you.

Day 49 & 50: Carrying weight

I didn't blog last night because I was just beat. And it has occurred to me that I am still carrying around a lot of stress. Mom is doing so much better. But my life will never be like it was before her diagnosis. And even though I feel better than I did 3 weeks ago when I was back and forth to the hospital, my body is making it obvious that I'm still carrying a lot of extra weight around.

So, I'm trying to be a little more gentle with myself. I've never been good at resting and relaxing...but I'm working on it. It's just that life still goes on. I still have kids to raise and a stressful job and bills to pay, etc. But, always, in the back of my mind is the reality that my mom has cancer and is dying.

And my body is reminding me. I have to learn to listen to it a little better.

Mom and dad hit the casino yesterday. They ate at the new restaurant and dad gambled a little. I love hearing all that! This morning when I called, dad was in good spirits. He said everything has been great. There is a Hospice volunteer who is set up to stay with mom every Friday morning so dad can go to Kiwanis.

Things are different now, but falling into place. And we all just keep living until this cancer really takes hold. I'm trying to "enjoy" this time as much as possible knowing that sometime in the coming weeks or months, there will be a down turn. I'm trying to prepare for it, but not focus on it. It's an odd place to be.

It's Mother's Day weekend. This will be my last Mother's Day with my mom. But she's doing so well right now, I just want to focus on this one. And enjoy it. And have fond memories to look back on next year.

And in less than 2 weeks, I'll have new nephew. There is joy to be had right now. That's the world I want to live in for a while. It's been 50 days. Within those 50 days have been the hardest days of my life. I know there is more to come, but I'm going to live in the good days right now. And experience every little good moment that I can.

Day 48: Living

A non-eventful day is always a good thing these days. Today mom and dad had someone from their church come and give them communion. They'll be doing that every Wednesday. AND mom and dad went out to eat at IHOP! Mom had a big meal. That's such great progress. And when I called at 8pm tonight, she was still up and watching TV with dad.

Besides the fact that there's a hospital bed in the living room...and she is much weaker than she used to be...you could convince yourself that nothing is wrong. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. But for now, I'm happy that mom and dad and getting out a little more and letting more people in as well.

I almost feel like my life is "normal" again. I get up, I work out, I go about my day, I run errands, I teach classes, I do births. But in the back of my head I feel like there is a clock ticking. But I suppose there is always a clock ticking for all of us. Just sometimes it becomes more obvious. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that I hear it now.

I think I'll probably stay home the rest of the week and get some errands done around here. I have to teach a one-day class on Saturday and then we're all heading up for Mother's Day. I'm looking forward to that.

There was a time not that long ago...within the past 48 days... where I wasn't sure I'd have another Mother's Day with my mom, so I'm planning to celebrate this one.

I encourage all of you who have mothers still around, or who are mothers, or have a mother anywhere in your life, to do the same this weekend! :-)

Day 47: And so these are the facts...

Today, mom, dad and I met with mom's Oncologist. Mom needed some answers. She wanted to know her status.

She asked her Oncologist if he knew where her cancer was originating from. He told her no. She asked if he ever would. He told her no. We've had this conversation before, but I don't think mom remembers it. Or...she just needed to hear it again.

Her Oncologist told her that they are treating it as if it is Ovarian Cancer since that's how it seems to be presenting. However, there isn't cancer in her ovaries. He said that it's likely she's had cancer for years and her ovaries got rid of it and it moved to different organs. (Note to all the women out there: keep getting your yearly exams...my mom thought she didn't need them anymore after menopause...that's what they told women 30 years ago.) Her Oncologist said the other thing that was possible was that this is Bowel Cancer. He told her that Ovarian Cancer can be treated and that the average life span is 4 years. That's with months of chemo and then months off and then months on again. He said she could have 7 years...but could also have months. No guarantees. He repeated though that they aren't sure it's Ovarian. And if it's Bowel Cancer, there is no treating that.

Mom was adamant that she is done with chemo. None of us blame her for that. Her Oncologist was surprised at how sick it made her because it was a very low dose apparently. He told her again that he did feel she was making a good decision for herself.

We talked about a catheter for her stomach draining and the doctor felt like it might be pretty uncomfortable for mom to have that in and she said she didn't want any more discomfort. So, for now, we'll just continue with the draining as needed.

Dad finally asked the question that was sort of sitting out there...how long? He wanted to know if there's any way to know how much more time mom has. The doctor said it's hard to say, but not likely a year. Honestly, that was good news for me. I was thinking weeks. But the idea there might be a year? I'll take that. And I was worried that if the doctor had said weeks that mom would have just given up. But a year? She can live some life during that time. Even if it does turn out to only be weeks or a few months, she will have lived some during that time. So, although it was still hard to hear, it was better than I had anticipated.

Mom's Oncologist is a straightforward man. He doesn't pull punches and in his line of work, I guess he really can't. Mom asked him what happens from here and he explained that the cancer will continue to spread...ultimately to her lungs and bones. He said she will continue to get weaker and ultimately won't be able to get up anymore. She won't be able to eat anymore. That comfort measures will become necessary.

That terrifies me. I knew it would happen, but to hear it the way I did today was like a punch in the gut.

So, we left with the reality. Mom is dying. I knew that. But the reality really stared us all in the face today. Nonetheless, I felt a little more optimistic that she'll get to see her new grandson. She'll get to have another birthday in a month. Although, I am keeping my mind open to the fact that things could change quickly too. But for now, while mom is up and better, I want her to live.

Mom stopped in the restroom on the way out and I told dad that mom has to keep going. She has to live. He agreed and said he hoped he could get her to start getting out more. She has been doing it slowly. He's hoping to arrange dinner with some friends that they used to see every week. I'm hopeful that will happen.

And then I told my mom the same thing. I told her she has to LIVE. She said she is trying. I told her to do the things she loves to do. And she seemed to agree. I'm truly trying to hold on to the hope that she will keep moving forward and living the time she has left.

And it struck me today that that's all any of us can do. None of us know how much time we have left. But my mom has a more general idea than most people. It made me realize how precious life really is and that we all have to live each day as if it were our last.

Olly and I both got up at 3am this morning. He went to work early so he could be home early so I could go to this appointment with mom and dad. I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and worked out. I drove up north in lots of rain and back south in lots of rain. I did some errands on the way home and then worked tonight. Strangely, I'm not beat yet. I suppose it will come.

I haven't cried yet either. I think the pouring rain made me focus on the road on my trip home. And I've been busy since I got back. I'm sure those tears will come as well.

Tomorrow the boys and I are going to go get Mother's Day cards for their Nana. That might be hard and joyful at the same time. My guess is that I won't get through cards without tears at the store.

This will most likely be my last Mother's Day with my mom. So, we will celebrate her because we have been given the gift of some time. We will celebrate this woman who gave me life. This woman who sacrificed a LOT for me.

And we will celebrate her not just on Mother's Day, but on many days from here on out.

Day 46: Stress

Stress is such an interesting thing. It manifests itself in so many ways. Sadly, for the past few days, mine has been manifesting itself in an overwhelming need to eat. It's driving me crazy!

Before mom ended up in the hospital two weeks ago, I was doing a great job of working out and eating right and losing weight. Since then I've either been eating on the road or not eating at all, forcing my body into storing fat...or eating everything in site apparently to add more fat for storing during starvation periods. Sheesh...

At least today I really acknowledged it, so hopefully that will curb it. And I did work out...still doing that anyway. There's truly no better motivation than when the Wii Balance Board says, "That's overweight" after it weighs you and then your little Mii gets all sad and disappointed. ;-)

Of course, tomorrow I'm back out on the road.

Mom has an appointment with her Oncologist at 11:45am tomorrow. I called both Hospice and the Cancer Center shortly after 8am this morning to make sure I could get mom in as soon as possible. Everyone was really nice and, as you can see, got mom in quickly. I need to be there tomorrow...both for myself and for my parents. I really think mom and, possibly dad, think that things have changed. That there might be good news tomorrow. I would love nothing more than to believe that. But I have to be realistic and remember that mom has cancer. It isn't just going to disappear. So, tomorrow will be a reality check and a wake up call. And my hope is that mom and dad just take it well and keep doing exactly what they're doing now...starting to live again. Mom went to Costco with dad today. That's huge! Costco wipes ME out. The fact that mom went is great. She didn't walk through the store, but nonetheless, she was out and about. I feel like that's a good first step. I don't want her to change if she hears something she doesn't want to hear tomorrow.

I'm grateful I'm going to be able to go. Both my boys are sick today. Not swine flu sick, but sick enough that I wouldn't be able to take them with me tomorrow...or expect a childcare person to watch them. I had kind of given up hope on being able to go. Then Olly texted me and his text started, "Don't argue..." He changed his schedule for tomorrow so that he's going in extra early and getting off around 8:30 or 9am so that he can be home to watch the boys tomorrow while I go up with mom and dad. So, even though I still wanted to argue the point a bit...he's having to get up too early...he'll be losing out on some pay...I just simply had to be grateful that he was doing this for me. It means so very much.

So, thanks to him I'll be up there tomorrow. Now if I can just manage to get up there in the crazy storm that apparently is on it's way. I guess I'll just do what I always do which is to ask God to put a bubble around my car and protect me as I make my way up there. It's too important to let some NW rain stop me from going.

And today...I'm really learning more lessons. I am apparently a slow learner, but this experience with my mom has taught me that we all have to reach out to others now and then. The silly thing is that my job is all about taking care of others...but when it's me...I have no idea how to let people take care of me. But I'm being forced to learn. I truly NEED people right now. That is such an odd place for me to be. But I can't do this alone. I just can't.

Today I wrote several thank you notes, including a big e-mail to Providence Everett to thank them for the care mom received two weeks ago. In a matter of minutes I received 2 e-mails back thanking me for taking the time to write and getting more information from me. They really do care there and I have to say I'm pretty darn impressed with the place. Especially after having worked at a couple of different hospitals and spending time in lots of them as a Doula...it's just nice to see a hospital that really seems to care about it's patients and their families. Anyway...it felt good today to finally say thank you.

So, after a few days off, it's back on the road tomorrow. Back to the reality that I can hide from a little bit here in the confines of my own home. It hit me this weekend that so much of my exhaustion is emotional. I can handle not sleeping. I can handle the physical exhaustion. It's the emotional exhaustion that wipes me out. Maybe, like with the food, if I can acknowledge it, I can somehow help curb it. We'll see how all that goes tomorrow.

Tomorrow is our reality check. I kind of like the fantasy world I can create for myself now and then. I'm not really sure I want the reality. But it's a necessity. Like it or not.

Day 45: Gearing up for another week

Nothing too exciting today. Michael and Kiersten and Gus and Kiersten's parents, Karen and Andy, visited with mom today. She is looking and feeling good.

She is looking forward to talking with the Oncologist this week. And I have to say, I have so many mixed feelings. I think my parents are both believing that mom is getting better. And mom is starting to be up more and is living more. I am terrified that the Oncologist is going to give her bad news and she is just going to quit living again. I'd rather they lived in this world right now where things are good, than to give up before it's necessary. But I know mom needs this appointment, so tomorrow morning I start making phone calls.

I'm a little concerned because Jonathan has a sore throat. I can't take him with me if he's sick, but I don't know who I could get to watch him either. And I really need to be at that appointment with mom and dad. So, I'm just hoping that it gets scheduled for Tuesday or later so that Jonathan will be feeling better. And just hoping and praying that Christopher and I aren't' next. I'm fairly certain it's just a cold, but mom's immune system can't really handle a cold right now!

So, I'm tired. I'm glad I had a weekend to rest up. I haven't had one in a long time. But I'm still beat. And worried. But it's on to a new week.

Keep the prayers and good thoughts coming...

Day 44: Catch Up Mixed with Guilt

So, I stayed home today. I spent the entire morning dealing with the guilt of not going up to mom and dads. Even though when I called them this morning dad said things were going really well. Mom even sounded pretty good on the phone. But the guilt was still there.

I spent the rest of my day catching up on financial papers that I have fallen behind on over the past 6 weeks. I feel caught up and don't have that sitting in the back of my mind anymore. I guess that's a good thing.

Mom and dad had a nice visit with Aunt Cecilia and Uncle Joe and Cousin Kim. I really wish I could have seen them all. I was looking forward to a Cousin Kim hug. But somewhere in my head, I just knew I needed to stay home today. I heard that Aunt Cecilia made an apple pie and that mom ate an entire piece with a scoop of strawberry ice cream. That's progress! :-)

Right now I'm feeling like it was a good thing I stayed home. I feel more rested than I did earlier in the day. I'd like to go back up tomorrow again and see Karen and Andy, but I think I'm going to stick around here again and give myself one more day to actually try and rest.

But boy the guilt can get overwhelming. I feel like any moment things could turn with my mom. I'm learning more and more about cancer and have heard through the hospice people that there is often a period of a person feeling good that is then followed by a dramatic downward turn and things often move quickly after that. I'm terrified of that and want to experience as much time as I can with my mom being somewhat lucid. But I also understand that I am human and can only push my body so far. I anticipate many, many trips up north as things do decline and I will be there for all of that. I guess my body deserves a couple of days to just take it easy. But ask me again tomorrow when I'm in tears, consumed with guilt for not making the trip up. Ugh...

One of my friends on facebook just posted this... "It takes strength to hide your own pain...it takes courage to show it, and deal with it." She is dealing with a family illness of her own. She understands the same pain I'm feeling. Although I haven't always considered myself strong, over the past few years, I have developed a strength I didn't know I had in me. It has served me well...especially recently. However, it certainly has helped me hide my own pain. I'm learning to be more courageous in showing it though. That is still a learning process for me.

My mom did mention to me again this morning on the phone that she will feel better when she knows what's wrong with her. I can't figure out if she doesn't remember that she has cancer or doesn't believe it or what. But I'm making sure that she's going to get that appointment next week no matter what!

So, I know I'll be driving up next week. I know that in 19 days I'll be up in Bellingham welcoming my new nephew into the world. I am hoping and praying that mom will be around long enough to see him. And when I say that I think, "19 days". Is it possible that my mom won't be here in 19 days? And then I want to get in my car and drive up there and never leave.

I'm in a constant tug of war in my mind. And there's still a part of me that just can't even believe this is happening. It's been 44 days and my brain still can't comprehend it. Of course, then there's the other side of me that says, "it's only been 44 days".

~ Sigh ~

I know people say that I will smile again someday. I will smile sincerely and my life will move forward. I will find joy again. Of course, I've also heard that losing your mom is a pain that never totally heals. I sit and think sometimes what I'll be doing this time next year. And I know that's silly because last year I was thinking about the 40th birthday party I was going to have this year. And look how that turned out. But I do wonder...what will I be doing the week before Mother's Day next year. How will that feel?

But then I have to come back to now and know that right now, mom is still here. God willing, I will have one more Mother's Day with her. And next year we will look back on this time and smile. Perhaps it will be a smile through tears. But we will remember the good times.

So, I am trying to live in the present...and somehow prepare for the future. I still don't feel old enough for this. And I know that this is life changing. And I know I will come out of this stronger and wiser. But I will forever carry a pain in my heart. And I'm still not ready...

Day 43: Malaise

My body is trying to tell me to slow down. I am exhausted. I could fall asleep at any moment during the day. Of course, any time I miss a full night's sleep it takes me two nights to catch up. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little more alive again.

But the sadness is overtaking me. I took the boys out to lunch today and I felt like I had to force a smile. That's not like me with the general public. But I really just don't want to deal with people or traffic or any of life's little stresses. They seem like too much.

Yesterday was hard on me. And it's carried over into today and I am just incredibly sad.

I got my hair cut tonight. That was desperately needed. But I couldn't carry on my normal happy conversation with my hair dresser.

I did call mom and dad this morning and was surprised that mom answered the phone. She almost sounded like her old self. It was kind of surreal for a moment and took me back to a different time. She had sent dad out to the casino for a bit. I was glad he was out, but I was worried about mom being alone. It didn't take long of talking with her to remember that this wasn't 6 months ago. Her mind just isn't the same. She's not the same person.

I called again tonight and mom said that she had talked to her Hospice aid today about the fact that she really wants to talk to her doctor about her diagnosis. She had said something to me yesterday but I thought she was just a little confused. But I guess she just wants to hear from her Oncologist what her prognosis is. I suppose that's fair. She was supposed to have an appointment with him and then ended up in the hospital. I think all of us know that her original prognosis was 3 months. But I get the sense that mom feels like she's starting to feel better so maybe she's getting better. I'd love to believe nothing more than that. But I know my mom doesn't know what her mind is doing. She doesn't see the mental lapses that we all see.

But we're going to get her in next week so she can talk to her Oncologist. Actually it might be good for all of us to hear it. Then we can move forward from there.

I think I'm staying home this weekend. There are several visitors planned to see mom and dad so maybe I'll give my body some well deserved rest and stay home knowing that I'll be making at least a trip or two up this week. Part of me really wants to go up. I'd like to see the people that are visiting as well as see my parents. But the other part of me knows that if I want to stay healthy, I have to rest sometime too. Maybe this weekend is my opportunity. I need to let people help me. I need to let people take care of me. I just don't know how to do any of that. But I'm really starting to feel the need to be taken care of...that's unusual for me.

I'm just hoping I can break out of this sadness. It really hurts. My eyes hurt. My head hurts. My muscles hurt. My heart hurts. I want to stop hurting. Except I know there is so much more to come. But I'd just like a little bit of happiness here and there.

And then I feel selfish for wanting anything while my mom is dying. It's just a constant struggle. I still don't understand how to walk this path. There are no rules. I keep thinking I need to find some sort of support group. That might help. It would be nice to talk with other people who have been here. I just don't know where there are any around here.

I'm ready to sleep tonight. Although I know I never sleep well. My mom and dad are always somewhere in my head. I always wake up tired. As though I walked 10 miles in my sleep. But with the exhaustion I have right now, maybe I'll actually sleep hard for one night.

And maybe tomorrow I'll find some glimpses of happiness. I just have to keep up the hope...