Memories & The Journey of Grief

It's been a while since I have posted here. It has not been for lack of trying. I actually have a post sitting in my draft folder that I typed up on the 10 month anniversary of mom's death. But it didn't feel like it was from the heart. It felt forced as though I was simply supposed to post that day. And so I never published it.

However, a lot has been going on in my head in the past few weeks and I feel compelled to get a little of it down here. Our family had another cancer scare that shook us all up. Thankfully, the outcome was a good one, but boy did it bring up a lot of stuff! A year ago, Olly was in California with his dying grandmother. This Friday will be a year since she died. I can't believe it's been a year since that time in our lives. It was a surreal place to live. The world going on around us while everything else seemed to be in slow motion and falling apart. Things were getting bad with mom again too. We all knew things were changing, no matter how much we had all hoped for a miracle.

The weather is changing here. Fall is coming. It has occurred to me that with every fall for likely the rest of my life, a lot of emotions will be stirred in my soul. As the days became shorter and the nights became longer, my mom's life was ending and then she was gone. I am feeling the loss more deeply as these days are changing. And a part of my brain is living in a year ago. It's as though I am reliving it in certain ways.

A week ago I started my 2nd year of school. It took me right back to a year ago as I started my 1st two classes and how terrified I was, but how I knew it was time. And then 6 weeks into my first term, mom died. And yet, here I am a year later, having completed 12 classes with 11 more to go. I'm carrying a 3.95 GPA. Gosh, how proud of me mom would be.

I can't explain how many times I've wanted to stop. Right now I am incredibly frustrated with school having gone 17 straight weeks with 15 more to go before I get a break. I am burnt out. I am actually writing here instead of staring at a blank page on my screen while trying to come up with words to put together yet another paper. I actually love the process of learning, but the workload is incredible and overwhelming some days.

But in the back of my head, I hear my mom. I hear her telling me that I can do this. And I know she is right. But how I wish I could call her and hear the support in her voice. I miss her a lot. I miss just simply having my mom to call to remind me how smart and strong I am when I forget.

The last year was so life changing for me. The next year will include more life changes. In 10 months, I will have my Bachelor's Degree. In 11 months, I will retire from Doula work and start a new career at the same time I start my Masters program. I'm currently working on buying a house which is amazing accomplishment after all that I have been through. I have crawled back up from a really low point about 5 years ago. I have started over. I have never given up. Not even when my mom died. Instead, I pushed even harder. Some people think I push too hard. And maybe I do. But it's who I am and I am proud of my accomplishments. But some of that pushing is likely a defense mechanism. I have not slowed down since mom died. And part of me knows it's because I'm scared that in slowing down, I will have to "feel" more. I don't have time to feel right now. Believe me, I have my moments. But so much of the busy work in my life is exhausting and frustrating and overwhelming....and yet, it keeps me moving forward. It keeps me going on and it doesn't allow me time to stop and think and feel. As exhausting as school has been, it has helped me survive the last year.

Mom and dad's 52nd anniversary is coming up. It is yet another first we have to get through this year. After that, it's the 1st anniversary of mom's death. And then we can all say we survived the first year.

But what does that mean really? I have survived nearly 11 months without my mom. I know I can live without her. But I still hate it. I still find myself in tears in my car sometimes. Not as often as I used to, but it has picked up again as this time of year has revived a lot of emotions and memories.

I decided that I'm going to spend some time printing off all these blog posts and compile them all into some sort of book so that I will always have them and my kids will have them. This blog has been a year and a half of my life and my journey into loss and grief and finding pieces of myself through finding pieces of my mom and the journey towards forgiveness and letting go. I want my kids to understand it some day.

I don't know that I'll ever have another year like the past one. In some ways I hope I never do, but in other ways, the growth that came with it has been powerful. I have said it over and over, I am not the same person I was before that day that the phone call came that dropped me to my knees. And although, there was something nice about that world before my mom got sick, I have to admit, I'd never truly felt as alive as I have felt since her diagnosis. I have had to LIVE each day. To feel each moment. It likely contributes to my exhaustion. But it is important.

If you watched the Emmy's you may have seen Jewel sing a song during the Memoriam portion. She said it was a song she wrote for someone she loved who died from cancer. Of course, it tore at my heartstrings and I have downloaded it to my phone and I listen to it often when I need a good cry. It talks of September. It talks of children having children of their own. It is beautiful and it is though she wrote it for me. Today, I'm ending this post with those lyrics because they say exactly what I feel.

The Shape Of You
September settled softly.
Leaves are starting to fall.
I recall the last time you were here
your laughter a melody that lingers still.

There's a hole in my heart
and I carry it wherever I go.
Like a treasure that travels
with me down every road.
There's this longing lonesome ending.
Kind of bitter, kind of sweet.
There's a hole in my heart
in the shape of you.

Time steals so swiftly.
Children having children of their own
and around life's merry-go round goes
And there you are wanting what you cannot hold.

There's a hole in my heart
and I carry it wherever I go
like a treasure that travels
with me down every road.
There's this longing lonesome ending
kind of bitter, kind of sweet.
There's a hole in my heart
in the shape of you.

Even though my heart aches
there's a smile on my face
cause just like a window to heaven
there's a light shining through.

There's a hole in my heart
and I carry it wherever I go
like a treasure that travels
with me down every road.

There's this longing lonesome ending.
Kind of bitter, kind of sweet.
There's a hole in my heart.
There's a hole in my heart.
There's a hole in my heart
in the shape of you.