Day 34: Settling In

I got up much earlier than my body wanted me to this morning, but I wanted to make it up to mom and dad's to meet with the hospice people if at all possible. Unfortunately, they called mom and dad at 9:00am to say they'd be there by 10:00am and I wouldn't make that, so the boys and I stayed home today.

But that doesn't mean it was a boring day.

First of all...dad let me know that mom slept all night last night which was great news. In her own bed! Not the hospital bed. Even better! The aide they had overnight must not have had to do much. They had a new aide arrive at 8am this morning and she really seemed to help out today. She was doing laundry and made mom a milkshake mixed with a little Ensure for added protein and mom got the entire thing down. Mom also got in a shower, although apparently lost most of the rest of her hair while in there.

But overall, things have been pretty positive since she's been home. So positive that dad feels like they're good on their own for a while. So, tonight mom and dad will be alone together in their own home for the first time since last Friday.

I spent most of the morning trying to figure out what I used to do with my day. I have been driving back and forth to Everett and Arlington for the past 5 days. Everything here has kind of fallen to the wayside. I have bills to pay and laundry to do and dishes to do and a house to clean and yet, today I had no energy to do much of any of it. I found myself just feeling kind of lost.

The boys and I did make it to the library to return all their books that were due today and stocked up on some new books. And this afternoon, I called one of mom and dad's friends to update them on mom's status. I also called mom and dad's church. I got through half my introduction and the woman on the phone, Gail, said, "Oh I'm so glad to hear from you!" Apparently they have been wondering how mom was doing and wanting to know how they could help. Gail listened to mom's status and basically just said, "Tell us what we can do." So, the church will make sure both mom and dad have communion each week. They are also going to be sending over meals...mostly for dad as mom won't each much...but it will be great for dad to have a home cooked meal. Gail said that they had asked mom and dad a couple of weeks ago if they could do this for them and mom and dad told them no. I said to Gail, "Well, I'm telling you yes." And she said that's all she needed! She told me to call them and update them whenever I could and that I was welcome to call if any of us needed anything, including just needing someone to cry with. She took both my and Michael's names. I am assuming to add to their prayer list. For someone who gave up on organized religion many years ago, it really touched my heart and gave me pause.

I also heard from a nurse tied into dad's Long Term Care Insurance. She was so very nice and incredibly sympathetic to our situation. She said she would get everything expedited for us so when dad does need extra help, he will have it covered through the insurance.

My goal for the rest of the week is to write a thank you note to the hospital, mentioning each nurse that worked with mom by name. I want to make sure they are all recognized for the care they gave to mom. I may have a birth to attend before week's end as well. So I'm trying to leave my goals sort of open ended just in case. I've got two clients due right now and it would be good to get one of the births done so I feel a little more comfortable with being further away with mom and dad now and then.

Although I'm exhausted and the idea of a birth seems tough on my body right now. I think it would be good for my soul, so I'm hoping it does happen soon.

I noticed that yesterday I didn't cry at all. I had the boys with me and that seemed to keep me focused. Today was okay too until I ran a quick errand this afternoon by myself. As soon as I pulled the car out of the driveway, it all hit. That sobbing cry that comes from deep down. I still find it so interesting when it hits like that out of nowhere. I'm very intrigued with our brains as of late. How pain can just bubble up like that out of nowhere and our brain can manage to push it back down and keep it together when necessary. We are complicated creatures.

I continue to be so touched by the love and care so many people have shown to me and my family. From family and friends to complete strangers. It's been an incredible experience. As someone who doesn't ask for help, it has been humbling to have people just help without being asked. It means so much. I'm learning a lot of life lessons throughout all of this. And I certainly have had a restoration of my faith in humanity.

This experience is transforming me. It's almost as though I can feel the transformation. I can feel it physically, emotionally, spiritually. I know I'll never be the same woman I was 5 weeks ago. And I'm good with that. I would never in a million years want to be going through what I'm going through. I would never have asked for this. I don't want it. I hate it actually. But the lessons I'm learning are powerful and mostly positive and I can't really argue with that part of it.

The circle of life. I feel it daily. My mom is dying. I work in birth every day. 40 years ago my mom was preparing to give birth to me. Somehow the celebration of my birth takes on a new meaning for me this year. It's more of a celebration of the woman who gave me life than it is about my own life for me this year. 15 years ago, my last remaining grandparent (my paternal grandmother) was buried on my birthday. I remember thinking about the whole circle of life in a big way back then too. What a journey it has been in those 15 years and I could never have imagined what I'd be going through on my 40th. But this year I celebrate mom. She will most likely not see my 41st birthday so I want to spend this one with her. Mobile or not. Lucid or not. Happy or sad. I just want to be with her. To say thank you for giving me my life. To thank her for all the sacrifices she made for me in her life. Without her, I wouldn't be here to experience this rollercoaster of a life I have had. Without her, I wouldn't have these amazing children I have.

This year we celebrate the circle of life as it plays out in our family in very large ways. Right now it is powerful. It is scary. It is sad. And at the same time, there is so much beauty in this circle to be celebrated.