I have two incredible clients who had babies on this day in years past. I started my day with seeing birthday posts from both of them and thinking about my history on this day.
But today I spent the day driving up north to see my best friend who contacted me last night to tell me she was in the hospital with kidney failure. Kidney failure at 42! My best friend! My only friend from high school. The person who has been by my side through thick and thin for the past 25 years. Today is 6 weeks, 2 days into my LAST 8 weeks of school. 6 weeks, 2 days into my FIRST 8 weeks of school, my mom died. The symbolism was not lost on me this morning as I drove back to the hospital where I spent so much time with my mom. The hospital where so much of my life was reviewed and questioned and answered and altered. Driving up to that parking garage took my breath away.
The new wing is done at the hospital...they had been working on it when mom was in the hospital. It's beautiful, but I felt numb even walking through the new hallways. I didn't expect to be back there so quickly...certainly not for my best friend. She looked good, but her blood pressure was up and she was on a strict diet for kidney issues. And she still has 2-4 more days at the hospital which tells me she is still sick. And I instantly found myself wanting to ask questions and get answers because no one seemed to be giving any to her. It's interesting how I go into "Doula mode" upon walking into a hospital.
Tonight I sit trying to catch up on school. I am stressed. My life is changing in so many ways. And my best friend is sitting in the hospital. She is the one I call when I need support. If mom was still here I would call her to talk to her right now. But now I sit and mull over everything in my head. And the two most important women in my life are unavailable to talk to. I'm learning to handle things on my own. I can only dump so much on Olly. But I have a lot of questions right now and not a lot of answers. And I hate not having answers...even when I know there are none to be had.
It's the Jaderlund family reunion this weekend. I know some of you read this blog, so please just take this as my musings...but as the day approaches, so does my apprehension. I haven't been to the reunion in years. The last time I went, I was in the throes of postpartum depression and in a terrible marriage and trying to play off both of those things like they weren't happening. It didn't go well. And I haven't been back, mainly because I've been on-call ever since. This is the first year I'm not. And I feel like I need to represent mom's part of the family. Dad is going to go...but I'm the next generation and then my children comprise the generation after me. But I'm apprehensive. I'm realizing the whole day may be harder than I anticipated. And I'm finding myself doing a lot of slow breathing when thinking about it all.
Add that to the fact that I'm down to 12 days of school. 12 DAYS! And out of those 12 days I really only have 3 full days to get stuff done. The rest of the days are filled with work or other events that only leave me 1/2 days or no time at all. And that is overwhelming. I know I'll get it done and I'll survive but right this moment, life is incredibly overwhelming. And today has pushed me over the edge a bit.
And so I breathe.
And believe my best friend will be okay, because I don't believe that in any decent and just world, I could lose her. And I'm determined to believe that I live in a decent and just world...regardless of what parts of my brain may try to tell me sometimes.
But today I spent the day driving up north to see my best friend who contacted me last night to tell me she was in the hospital with kidney failure. Kidney failure at 42! My best friend! My only friend from high school. The person who has been by my side through thick and thin for the past 25 years. Today is 6 weeks, 2 days into my LAST 8 weeks of school. 6 weeks, 2 days into my FIRST 8 weeks of school, my mom died. The symbolism was not lost on me this morning as I drove back to the hospital where I spent so much time with my mom. The hospital where so much of my life was reviewed and questioned and answered and altered. Driving up to that parking garage took my breath away.
The new wing is done at the hospital...they had been working on it when mom was in the hospital. It's beautiful, but I felt numb even walking through the new hallways. I didn't expect to be back there so quickly...certainly not for my best friend. She looked good, but her blood pressure was up and she was on a strict diet for kidney issues. And she still has 2-4 more days at the hospital which tells me she is still sick. And I instantly found myself wanting to ask questions and get answers because no one seemed to be giving any to her. It's interesting how I go into "Doula mode" upon walking into a hospital.
Tonight I sit trying to catch up on school. I am stressed. My life is changing in so many ways. And my best friend is sitting in the hospital. She is the one I call when I need support. If mom was still here I would call her to talk to her right now. But now I sit and mull over everything in my head. And the two most important women in my life are unavailable to talk to. I'm learning to handle things on my own. I can only dump so much on Olly. But I have a lot of questions right now and not a lot of answers. And I hate not having answers...even when I know there are none to be had.
It's the Jaderlund family reunion this weekend. I know some of you read this blog, so please just take this as my musings...but as the day approaches, so does my apprehension. I haven't been to the reunion in years. The last time I went, I was in the throes of postpartum depression and in a terrible marriage and trying to play off both of those things like they weren't happening. It didn't go well. And I haven't been back, mainly because I've been on-call ever since. This is the first year I'm not. And I feel like I need to represent mom's part of the family. Dad is going to go...but I'm the next generation and then my children comprise the generation after me. But I'm apprehensive. I'm realizing the whole day may be harder than I anticipated. And I'm finding myself doing a lot of slow breathing when thinking about it all.
Add that to the fact that I'm down to 12 days of school. 12 DAYS! And out of those 12 days I really only have 3 full days to get stuff done. The rest of the days are filled with work or other events that only leave me 1/2 days or no time at all. And that is overwhelming. I know I'll get it done and I'll survive but right this moment, life is incredibly overwhelming. And today has pushed me over the edge a bit.
And so I breathe.
And believe my best friend will be okay, because I don't believe that in any decent and just world, I could lose her. And I'm determined to believe that I live in a decent and just world...regardless of what parts of my brain may try to tell me sometimes.
