I spent Monday printing out paperwork for my Washington State licensing requirements. I took a required training and test and then started to get overwhelmed with all I had left to do. I had promised myself some down time and time off, but I was immediately throwing myself into the next stage of this process for me. By Tuesday I decided I needed to give myself some time to recuperate from the last two years and reflect on all that has occurred.
It has been a remarkable two years when I look back on it. Two years ago, I had just taken the leap and started back to school. Mom was doing reasonably well and I was adjusting to adding studies into my schedule. Six weeks later, mom would be gone and my life was turned upside down. I can't quite explain how much I wanted to quit school. It seemed like too much. But I completed my first term with two As and on the day of mom's cemetery service, I started my second term truly wondering if I would complete it. But I did. It's the only term I received anything lower than an A and that B+ still bugs me, but it is also a reminder of where my head truly was during those 8 weeks of that term. I was grieving and powering through school and doula clients and teaching. Those were my distractions. They gave me the ability to push down that grief. But that B+ reminds me that it was still there. Nonetheless, I completed that term and ten more terms after that. 96 weeks out of the last 104 were spent in school. I never gave up, I never slacked off. I just received my feedback for one of my two last classes which was a simple elective. I could have allowed myself to take it easy in that class...I just needed the credits...but my instructor informed me I received the highest grade in class receiving 624 out of 625 points.
I look back and wonder how I did this. When I started 2 years ago, my goal was to get all As and Bs, although I told myself that a C would be acceptable in Statistics. And yet, here I am graduate with nearly a 3.98... Summa Cum Laude. And truly...I believe it was my mom. I did this for her. Yes, I did it for me too...but every time I found myself frustrated and wanting to give up, it was as though I could hear her pushing me forward. At times I think she held me up. She kept me awake. She gave me the words I couldn't find sometimes. I knew how proud she was of me for going back to school. I knew that was something that gave her great happiness in her final days. And because of that, there was no option of quitting. There was no option of giving up...even when I wanted to. I often thought of this time...the time after I was done...and I knew I would feel exactly as I do. I DID IT! It is an enormous accomplishment for me. I have learned so much about myself along the way and what I am capable of. And I don't think there is any stopping me now. No one can take my Bachelor's Degree away from me. My dreams are coming true. And there is a part of me that wonders how much of this would have happened if mom hadn't gotten sick.
I've shared so much of our relationship here, but it was tumultuous to say the least. But when she got sick, I had a strong desire for her to be proud of me. It was something I was always looking for and I could certainly diagnose myself psychologically speaking. Nonetheless, I needed her to be proud of me when she left this world. And I believe she was. And I believe she is incredibly proud of me right now. And that...that is what I miss. I miss not being able to hear her tell me. I physically miss that. It hurts me so deeply that I can't hear the happiness in her voice. Oh, I can hear it in my head. But I would give almost anything to actually hear her reaction.
But that won't come anywhere but in my head and I just have to believe that she is looking down smiling at the person I am today. In the past two years, I have worked SO hard in addition to buying a house and getting married. The past 6 years have been an incredible journey and although I'd prefer to not go through some of it ever again, there is quite a bit I am very proud of and I'm happy with the person I am today and I think mom would see that.
There is still much work to be done...my Masters program starts in 4 months. But for now, I am enjoying the end of this part of my journey. I wish mom was here to share it with me, but I do credit her for getting me to this place.
On a different note: September is National Ovarian Cancer month. A teal ribbon is in support of Ovarian Cancer. And here's the link to the National Ovarian Cancer Coalition: http://www.ovarian.org/
