Day 21: Three Weeks

21 Days. 3 Weeks. It seems like so short of a time, and yet it almost seems like my entire life.

I talked to dad a little bit ago and he says that mom is nauseous. I was surprised by this and asked him when it started. He said that she's been saying for a while that nothing sounds good, but that he's now figured out that "nothing sounds good" translates to "I think I'll throw up if I eat". I asked if that started before or after the stomach draining and mom said that she doesn't really know...that when her stomach was so large, that's all she could think about.

Dad has started mom back on her anti-nausea pills. But this really scares me because the reason mom chose to go forward with the chemo was because people told her it might make her feel better. If it doesn't start making her feel better soon, I think she'll be done with it. And I can't say I blame her. Granted, she's only done one dose, but she's so tired and has so many other side affects and symptoms. I don't know...it just seems that there's been more bad news lately than good news. And I get off the phone discouraged and in tears. And I wonder what it's like at mom and dad's house. What kind of conversations are they having? How is my dad holding it together? He's working SO hard. And he's doing such a great job. But I worry about him too.

I've found myself with a terrible headache today. I rarely take anything for headaches, but today I just might have to. I teach tonight and in this condition I can't even think straight.

I'm feeling things are really wearing on me. And I have started finding myself falling apart at weird random times. I'll simply be driving down the street and will burst out in tears. My patience is so much shorter than it should be and I'm working on that...but I feel like there is a clock ticking in my head. I feel like time is running out and I can't stop thinking and thinking and thinking. My mind is constantly racing.

More and more people are finding out about my mom. I have friends and clients I haven't talked to in a while who are just finding out and I'm getting texts and phone calls and e-mails and facebook messages and it feels so good to have so much support. It's kind of overwhelming how many people are out there and care about me. It really has touched my heart.

Last night I talked with one of my clients who had her baby in January. She's an Oncology nurse. She sat on the phone with me for 45 minutes last night and just let me spew out all my thoughts, hopes and concerns. She simply listened. And then she made some really good suggestions that I needed to hear. It was just good to talk to someone who really does understand this. And also who knows me just a little. I appreciate so much all the people who are taking time out of their own lives for me right now.

Oh...and an update on the stomach draining...I finally got an answer around 5:30pm last night. The longer version of getting mom's stomach drained won't work. I guess it's okay if there isn't cancer involved, but because all of mom's stomach fluid is cancer filled, the option the Radiologist mentioned on Tuesday won't work. They did say that mom can have another liter and a half drained whenever she needs it though so I told her not to wait next time. She doesn't need to suffer with it.

So, tomorrow is round 2 of chemo. I really want to be there, but I'm letting Michael take it tomorrow. It will be good for him to have some time with both mom and dad. Kiersten is going to go too and I know it will be good for her as well. She's really feeling like she needs to see my mom and so tomorrow will hopefully be good for all of them. But I really still feel so protective and feel the need to be there. Is that an oldest child thing or just me being over protective?

But I've managed to plan a busy day tomorrow to keep my mind somewhere else if possible. The boys and I are going to see the new Hannah Montana movie (anyone want to keep me company??? Ugh...) and then color Easter eggs afterwards. They're going to their dads this weekend so I won't have them most of the day on Easter so want to do a little pre-Easter celebrating. I teach all day Saturday which is going to be a long day...but again...I guess it gives my mind something else to do. Michael and Kiersten and Olly and I are planning to converge on mom and dad's for Easter Sunday. We'll just have a simple, buffet style meal. We just all want to spend the holiday together though. In all honesty, we don't know how many more holidays we'll have together and we just want as many as possible. I'm still regretting that I didn't spend Thanksgiving last year with them. And I hope it wasn't my last chance for a big family Thanksgiving. I know...regrets are useless...but I still have them.

So, please send out thoughts and prayers for all of us tomorrow as mom goes through round 2 of chemo. They all mean so very much!