Day 27: Control

I talked to mom today. She sounded better than I feel she has sounded in the past 27 days. She was still exhausted and frustrated and not feeling well. But she sounded like herself.

And for a moment I thought maybe she was in a good enough place to reconsider ending her chemo.

But one of the first things she asked me was if I had talked to Michael. I told her I had and she asked me what he thought. I asked her, "about what?" and she said, "how he feels about me not doing any more chemo". And it was quickly apparent that she was still done.

We talked longer than we've talked in a while. She shared with me some more of her symptoms. Her hair started falling out today. She was told that probably wouldn't happen...but it's happening.

I guess Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill were supposed to visit today, but mom got sick after getting out of the shower and then was concerned what else was going to happen today so she cancelled the visit with them which I was sorry to hear. She said that after that episode, she felt fine and has felt fine the rest of the day.

And she really did sound like herself, for the most part. And it hit me. Maybe for the first time in 27 days, my mom feels like she has some control over her life. Maybe by choosing to stop the chemo, she has taken back some power over her own life. She knows that by making this choice she is choosing to die. But she is choosing not to partake in this chemo process. She is choosing to let her body do whatever it must do from here on out, without the interference of more drugs.

Don't get me wrong. I hate the whole idea of this. I hate the whole stupid cancer. And I hate that I can't stop any of it. But the bottom line is that it's not my body.

Mom mentioned that dad still doesn't agree. I told her to put herself in his shoes for just a moment. There is no good middle ground here. There is nothing good for any of us in this situation. My mom is dying. My dad is going to have to live without her. Neither of those are happy options.

I'm planning to go up there tomorrow. I told mom I'd call her before I left in case she wasn't feeling well. But hopefully we'll make it up there tomorrow.

Thanks to Julie and Mary, I am covered for childcare on Monday so I can go to the Oncologist appointment with mom and dad.

And so now we start moving forward again. It's a different path. It's a terrifying path. And, sadly, it's probably a short path. We'll get more of an idea of all of what is coming on Monday from the Oncologist.

I don't want to walk this path. I'm finding it hard to simply put one foot in front of the other. But if my mom is walking it, then I will walk it with her. I owe her that much.