Day 41: The world keeps rotating

It's strange living in this alternate universe that I live in...the one where everything in my world has stopped as I deal with the inevitable death of my mom. My alternate universe truly exists for me. Everything is different. Everything has changed.

But the rest of the world keeps turning and I have to somehow incorporate my alternate universe into that world as well. Bills need to be paid. The house needs to be cleaned. Work needs to get done.

Today was one of the days to try to get some of that stuff done. And I got some things done that needed to be taken care of before month end.

And that's all good because tomorrow, if I'm not at a birth, I intend to spend the day with my mom and dad. I turn 40 tomorrow. 42 days after I found out my mom had cancer. If you had asked me at the beginning of the year about my birthday I would have told you I was so excited for 40. I was looking forward to my birthday and turning 40. Nothing about 40 bothered me. It still doesn't. But I have no desire to really celebrate my birthday anymore. I have no desire to do anything for me, although maybe I should. But I just want to spend the day with my parents. I know this is the last birthday I will have with my mom and so I want to make sure I spend it with her. That's all I want for my birthday. If I happen to be at a birth then I'll go up Friday. I just want to thank my mom for giving me life and celebrate her more than me tomorrow.

I did talk to dad this morning and he told me that mom was enjoying some tomato soup. And really ENJOYING it. He put her on the phone and she sounded better than I've heard in a long time. Most likely because she actually was enjoying something for the first time in a long time. That made me happy. I'll take the small joys along this dark path. I keep hoping that she'll start enjoying more and more things so she has many of these small joys before she dies.

Tonight I head back out to teach...because the world keeps turning. I know it's good for me to do it. And once I'm there I enjoy it. It's just such work getting my brain to switch out of my alternate universe back into the real one every now and then. But I manage to keep doing it. I guess that's a good thing too.

Today is the last day of my 30s. I wonder what my mom was doing the last day of her 30s. She had two small children. Gosh, we would have been like 7 & 3. Any of you out there know what mom did for her 40th birthday? Anything? I'm honestly loving hearing stories that I've never heard about mom and dad before. She didn't know at the time that she only had a couple of years left with her own mom. I wonder what she would have done differently if she had been given the time I have been given with her.

I may have to ask her some of those questions tomorrow. But mostly I want her to know how much I appreciate the life she gave to me. And how much I love her. I've always thought we should celebrate our mothers on our birthdays. Without them, we wouldn't have a birthday. So, tomorrow I celebrate my mom and the gift of life she gave to me 40 years ago. And all the sacrifices she made for me along the way.