Good Bye 2009

I felt it important to blog today as the year comes to an end.

I think it's always important to reflect on a year when it ends and to look hopefully into the new year.

I've always loved New Year's Eve. Probably more than any other holiday. Maybe it's because I love the idea of new beginnings.

Even though tomorrow is just another day, it feels like the start of something new, something fresh. Tomorrow is a new year. It's a new decade. 2010. It's amazing really.

I was watching a news story about when the festivities were cancelled at the Seattle Space Needle 10 years ago. I had completely forgotten that! As we entered the year 2000, there was fear of terrorism and the festivities were cancelled. I remember how sad I was about that. I never go to the Seattle Center at New Years and had no plans to go in 1999, but it felt like something was different that year. Thankfully, the festivities were back on the next year and have been ever since.

It's been 10 years since we were all so concerned about Midnight 2000.

This decade was a huge one for me. It was my 30s and it was a time of finding myself which is often not painless and that was certainly the case for me. Just when I thought I had finally figured it out, for the most part anyway, my mom got sick.

Gosh I remember New Year's Eve last year. We started moving at 8am and finally finished at 5am New Years Day. But even with that horrendous move, I was so hopeful for 2009. I was really looking forward to it. And then 2 and a half months later, mom was diagnosed and everything about the year changed.

And looking back, it is mostly a blur. A blur of trips north. A blur of hospitals and procedures. A blur of countless phone calls. A blur of months where so much was said without any words being spoken.

What still isn't a blur and is still very visible in my mind is the picture of my mind lying in the hospital bed in the living room. And her lying there after she had died. And the sound that is still very clear in my mind, when it wants to go there, is what it sounded like when she died. None of that has faded. I'm not sure it ever will.

2009 will always be the year I lost my mom. Nothing will ever change that for me. It's what 2009 will always symbolize.

2009 is also the year Olly lost his grandmother.

2009 is the year my home was burglarized and I lost a lot of security.

But 2009 will also be the year when I let go of a lot of old baggage because there was just no reason to carry it around anymore. I feel lighter since I let it go. I wish it hadn't taken cancer to make me realize how unimportant it all was and how silly it was to carry it around for all those years.

2009 will be the year I grew up in so many ways. It will be the year a new me emerged...a stronger, wiser me. I am not the same person I was when 2009 began. It's incredible really how much different I am from the person I was one year ago today. Life experience has a way of doing that to you I guess.

2009 will be the year I took the leap and started back to school. It will be the beginning of another life transformation for me. When I receive my degree in August of 2011, I will look back at 2009 as the year I took the first step that started me back towards my degree.

In 2009, my sons turned 7 and 11 and I turned 40. I love my boys' birthdays. They are always so much more fun than mine. But I had been looking forward to mine this year. I was looking forward to 40. Instead I spent the week before my birthday in a hospital room with my mom who was rarely lucid. And I spent my birthday with her at home when she was still really confused and not sure why I was there. It wasn't what I had anticipated. I would like to look forward to 41 this year, but I've found I'm a little nervous to plan anything these days for fear of what one phone call may hold and how it may change everything again. But, nonetheless, Christopher will be 8 in 12 days and I always love his birthday because it's something to kind of bring us down from the holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years all end and then we still have Christopher's birthday to enjoy early in the year. It's a great way to start the year and I'm very much looking forward to it this year.

In 2009, I was present at the birth of 23 babies, one of whom was my nephew. 23 babies who celebrated their first holidays this year, who are celebrating their first New Year with their parents. There were some hard births and a couple of sick babies, but everything turned out beautifully in the end. I was able to share births with several repeat clients this year and one of those had her baby on my birthday.

And that is why I write today. I could look back at 2009 and only see it as the year I lost my mom. That would be easy to do. It was a very, very hard year. Not just for me, but for many people. My facebook page is filled with people posting about how ready they are for 2009 to end. Just in the last 2 months, the Seattle/Tacoma area has lost SIX police officers. It has been devastating. I know I am not the only one that has lost someone they love this year. I am far from alone in my grief.

But 2009 was filled with happy tears too. I was a part of 23 family's lives on one of the most incredible days ever. 2009 gave my family about 5 more months with my mom than we thought we would have and many good times were had in those months. 2009 brought a wonderful police officer into my life whose care and concern for my children was touching in ways that I will never be able to explain. 2009 brought a week of fun with my children as we played tourists in our own town and just enjoyed being together. 2009 included many, many, many childbirth classes where I got to do what I loved. Not everyone can say they have a job they love. 2009 reminded me that I have a man in my life who loves me unconditionally, who will stand by me through anything and will not let me fall even if he has to hold me up himself. 2009 included so much in the way of friends and family. I feel closer to so many of them than I did at the beginning of this year and have been reminded that we all need to make time for one another.

So, yes, 2009 was hard. It was the year I lost my mom. Lots of people lost someone this year. So many of us witnessed hard to understand things this year. So many shaken heads, not understanding this world sometimes.

However, although tomorrow may just be another day, it is a new year, full of new hope. Will bad things happen in 2010? Of course they will. But good things will happen too...just like they did in 2009. More babies will be born. They are the beacons of hope for our future. I have four clients due in the next 2 months and already have clients lined up throughout the year. 2010 will hold 48 weeks of school for me. Hard work for sure, but rewarding in the end. In 2010 I will turn 41. It will be my first birthday without my mom and it will be hard. But my mom gave me this life, and I will celebrate it!

Our family's year begins with my dad's birthday tomorrow. I just got off the phone with him. He sounds so sad. But I am grateful he is going out to dinner with the couple he and mom have spent New Year's Eve with for the past 15 years. They usually got a hotel room and stayed up playing bridge. But you can't play bridge without 4 players and they've lost one of their players this year. Nonetheless, I'm so glad they are still doing dinner. I told dad to go and laugh. It's what mom would want him to do. And he agreed. Tomorrow I am heading up early to dads to take down his Christmas tree. Then we're all heading to lunch where Michael and Kiersten and their boys and Kiersten's parents, Karen & Andy will join us to celebrate dad's birthday. We will celebrate dad without mom being physically present. But she will be there in spirit, of that I am certain. She wouldn't miss it.

Today I am incredibly grateful that what seemed like a pretty miserable cold yesterday is clearing itself out quickly so that I will have the energy to get up early tomorrow and be able to help dad with getting the Christmas decorations down. Yesterday morning I felt terrible and was concerned that I had more than just a cold. But I spent all day lounging in bed which I NEVER do and it's pretty remarkable what rest can do for a body. I'd forgotten that as 1) I don't really like to spend an entire day in bed and 2) I rarely get an opportunity to do it even if I wanted to. So when I'm sick, I usually have a class to teach or a birth to attend or something else to keep me busy and I don't often get to rest and recover. I did that yesterday and it WORKED! :-) I'll be making dad's cake today and getting laundry done and the boys packed for their dads this weekend, but other than that, I'm still going to try and take it easy today to keep giving my body time to recover. By the first day of 2010, I intend to be feeling even better!

I'm glad to see 2009 go. But I refuse to look back at it as only the year I lost my mom. That would negate all the good that took place this year. And although it was hard for me to find at times, every time I attended a birth or my children made me laugh, I found joy and the world brightened a bit for me.

There will be more joy this year. And I'm sure there will be some hard times too. But I look forward to 2010. I refuse to let the difficulties and hard times of 2009 take away my hope for brighter days. I have some things I am highly looking forward to in 2010 and I believe it will be a good year. I hope to look back at this time next year and look fondly upon 2010.

I am strong. I know that now. I have survived a year that I once thought I could never survive. I am still putting one foot in front of the other. I am still living. I am still laughing. I am still finding the joy in the midst of dark days. I am making my life better. And I know my mom is proud of me.

2009 was a tough year. But it was also a year filled with love, life, and learning. I am proud of the person I am as 2009 ends. A year can't be all bad if it ends that way. As I've said before, the human spirit is pretty amazing. It allows me to find that truth in a year when I lost my mom.

Goodbye 2009. I learned a lot from you. You will be a year I will never, ever forget. You took a lot from me, but I refuse to let you take my hope for the future.

I'm ready for you 2010. 2009 made me very strong. I will survive what you have for me too. But, it would really be great if you could maybe go easy on all of this year and throw in more joy than sadness. I'd love to look back on you a year from now and discuss what a great year you gave the world. :-)

Today, on the eve of the beginning of 2010, I hold out hope for a wonderful year filled with smiles and happiness. I wish that for myself and my family and for all of you and yours.

May we all greet 2010 with hope and open arms believing in the good the world has to hold.

Another unexpected first

In some ways it's almost funny when something pops up and I realize it's the "first whatever" since my mom died.

Today, it's the first time I've been sick without my mom. I've managed to stay healthy throughout most of the year which is pretty impressive considering the stress I've been under. It's amazing my immune system has held up as well as it has.

I suppose I'm due for a cold. And it's really just a cold. But I feel run down and tired and vulnerable and really miss not having my mom to commiserate with.

Whenever I used to get sick, I'd call my mom and talk to "nurse Nancy". No one takes care of you like your mom does when you're sick.

I'll never forget one night that I was spending at mom and dad's. I was 21 and had been out drinking and over did it. I showed up at their door and said, "Mom, I'm drunk." Mom brought me in and put me to bed. In the morning, she brought me water and chicken soup to help with my hangover. It still makes me laugh. Only a mom could love their child through a hangover like that.

She always knew when I wasn't feeling well. She could see it in my eyes. She knew when I was pregnant both times. She could see that in my eyes too. That, too, is something only a mom could do.

I haven't lived with my mom for 21 years. But she could still make me feel better over the phone when I was sick. I'm missing that a lot today. And it snuck up on me. This is one of those things that just pops up out of nowhere and hits me unexpectedly.

No one takes care of you like a mom does. I'll never have that again. And I'm admittedly tired and emotional today, but the reality of that sinking in makes me incredibly sad.

Christmas survived...almost

I didn't think Christmas was going to bother me as much as it did. I don't know why.

And it didn't bother me in the way where I desperately missed mom. I just wanted the holiday over. I just needed it to be done.

I had a good day. We had a great breakfast up at dads with Michael and Kiersten and my adorable nephews. There were smiles and laughter.

But there was a part of me that just needed it to be over. It's like living in a parallel universe where we all just go on with our lives, but the other side of us knows there is a visible absence.

I stopped at the cemetery on the way up early on Christmas morning. Olly and the boys stayed in the car. I just wanted to tell mom Merry Christmas. And I did. And I sobbed. Again. I was surprised by the reaction, just as I always am. It's silly really, but each time the emotions bubble up, I find myself surprised.

There were a couple of other people at the cemetery early on a Christmas morning. It felt sad. Almost as if I had joined a club I didn't know existed. The club of people who visit a cemetery on Christmas morning. And I believe that club carries a lifetime membership.

But I survived the day. I'd like for it to be over. I need for it to be over. I'd like to get all the Christmas stuff down, but for everyone else, it will stay up a little longer. And I'll survive it. It's only a few more days. I'm looking forward to it being over though. I want this Christmas behind me.

This last week of the year is usually my favorite. New Years Day has always been my favorite day. New beginnings. New hope.

2009 began with a move that took us 21 hours. It was not a fun New Years Eve. This year I'm looking forward to staying home and celebrating the entrance of 2010. Last year I really thought 2009 was going to be a great year. I was turning 40 and looking forward to it. And then in March everything changed with mom's diagnosis. There is a part of me that is terrified of what the new year will hold, but the other side of me is thinking positively and believing this year will be better than last.

There are definitely things I'm looking forward to... I am just a little afraid to get too excited. I suppose that is normal.

I have enjoyed this first week off from school. Olly and I finally went through all the boxes in the garage. Now it's just some organizing and we might actually be parking our cars there instead of just using it as storage! :-O And I finished all my financial paperwork that I really fell behind once mom got sick. It has been a productive week. Productive feels good.

So, I survived Christmas. Dad's birthday is next. I know that will be a hard one for him. But we'll all be there to help him through. I'd like to get him to the cemetery soon. I think that would be good for him. I think I've got an edge on Michael and Dad because I visit mom fairly often and it's hard and cathartic at the same time. They don't get that sort of therapy.

2009 is nearly gone. It will always be the year I lost my mom. But I'm ready to let the year go. I'm ready for a new year. I'm ready to keep moving forward.

Just gotta get that Christmas tree down...

2 steps forward, one step back

I really feel like I'm doing well most days.

Then I have a moment when I realize what seems like a long time has ONLY been 2 months. And there is much work to do.

I made it up to see dad yesterday. I stopped at the cemetery at 8am. It was quiet and the sun had just come up. I brought my mom her poinsettia leaves for the holiday. As I pulled up and parked, the tears started coming. I walked the path to where she is and they started flowing. I placed the poinsettia leaves in her vase and touched her name and was sobbing. I stayed that way for about a half hour.

It was the first time I have visited the cemetery alone and perhaps the first time I've been able to just let go and not try to hold it together for someone else. I was surprised by my emotions. But looking back, I probably shouldn't have been. It was a good release that had probably been a long time in coming.

I had a hard time leaving which has never happened before either. I felt like I was leaving her alone, even though I know she is not truly there. It's just the one place where I feel closest to her...although I do feel she is with me often. But this was my time alone with her with no one else around and I didn't want to let it go.

I finally said my good-byes to mom and headed north to dads. I spent about 4 1/2 hours up there just talking with dad. We did a lot of reminiscing. It was really our first time alone since shortly after mom died and I think it was good for us too. We talked a lot about the day mom died. It was good for both of us being that we were the only 2 people there, we are the only two people that understand what it was like for the other one.

Dad has also put together a Christmas letter. As Christmas cards started to come in this month, it became obvious that there are people that don't know about mom's death. So, dad put together a lovely, but heartbreaking letter that he is going to send out with some cards. Lots of tears flowed as I read it.

More tears flowed as I was able to see their high school alumni newspaper and it's tribute to mom. It was incredible and beautiful and heartbreaking too.

It was a day full of many tears, but also laughter and smiles.

We are surviving. We are moving forward. But as we take those steps forward, there are still many steps back that need to be taken. I've decided that's okay and to be expected.

Christmas is in 5 days. The weather looks like it should be nice. Dad and Michael and I will survive it. It will be different. It will be hard. Mom will be noticeably absent. But we will laugh and we will smile and we will celebrate Christmas through the eyes of mom's four grandsons. And I know she will be looking down on us and smiling with us.

2 Months

Two Months

In some ways it seems so much longer and in some ways it seems like yesterday.

I am incredibly disappointed that I won't be able to make it to the cemetery today, but the weather report is looking questionable for snow and I'm not wanting to chance it. Of course, if I don't go, there will be no snow, but if I do, then I'll get stuck somewhere. Seattle area snow is not an exact science and whenever it is in the forecast we never actually know how it will play out. I've been stuck in snow more than once and I would rather it not happen again. Dad is having some flurries this morning which tells me that something could manifest itself.

So, I am staying home and working on my last week of school work before I have 3 weeks off. I am looking forward to those 3 weeks. No clients due, no school work to be done. It is the first time I will have had off like that in a very long time. Although I'll admit there is a part of me that wonders if not having things to occupy my mind will allow me more time to think about things that maybe I don't want to think about. Thankfully I still have some classes to teach. And I know that right after those three weeks are over, things will pick up quickly with school and clients. I've got several births that I'm looking forward to attending in January and February. With births and a tough term coming up, I will have plenty to keep me busy for the remainder of the winter. :-)

I miss my mom every day. But the tears don't come as often. Although on Friday, dad told me he got their high school class newspaper that one of their class members publishes. This issue was 11 pages and 4 full pages were devoted to mom. I fell apart as he read me some of it. He and I cried together. Just when we think we're all doing better something like this comes up and reminds us we all have a lot of work to do.

I will make it up to the cemetery next weekend and will go visit dad. I'm going to buy a poinsettia and cut off a few leaves for mom. She loved poinsettias.

I know she understands why I'm not there today. And I know I don't have to be at the cemetery to mark this day. But I still feel sad about it.

I think it's finally set in that my mom is gone. I've lived 2 months of my life without her. But it's amazing how much you can miss someone. Every event that occurs without her is different and it's so obvious she is missing. We survived Thanksgiving, but now it's Christmas and then dad's birthday and Christopher's birthday all back to back. Her absence will be visible. And as I sit here, the tears still flow.

I've accepted that she is gone, I just don't have to like it.

But I'm moving forward. This term at school has seemed even harder than last term which has been surprising for me. But when I get tired of it all, I push through because I know how proud mom was and I am determined to complete this for both of us.

I am surviving without my mom in this world. I still laugh and smile. But there is a hole in my heart that will never heal. I will carry it for the rest of my life. And that's the way it should be when you lose your mom. It doesn't stop me from living, but it definitely changes my life. I believe I quoted this before, but Patti LaBelle said, "A girl never really becomes a woman until she loses her mother". I really feel this these days. I grew up, I moved out, I became a wife and mother. But somewhere I was always my mother's daughter. When I was sick, I called my mom because no one can make you feel better like your mom can. I can't do that anymore.

When you lose your mom, it transforms you. I'm sure I was a woman before, but not the woman I am today. Not the woman who now walks the world without my mother. I feel stronger internally and externally. I feel I have to be that way because my ultimate protector is gone. It's as though I have developed armor. Not in a way where I am protecting myself from people, but in a way where I am just stronger because my mom's loving arms that used to surround me are no longer there. I have had to develop a replacement. Because without that protection the world seems a harder place. When mom was dying and then right after she died, I felt so weak and powerless and unprotected. It's a hard feeling to explain, but I felt sort of raw and lost in the world. When I look back it was as though someone could have touched me and I would have just crumbled into dust. Over the past couple of months, this armor has surfaced. It isn't armor that makes me hard. It's just that protective cover that used to be from my mom. I feel wiser and I see the world differently. It's not a good or bad different. It's just different.

I know I can live without my mom. That's empowering. But that doesn't mean it's not sad and hard a lot of times. But every day is a new day. There is still good in the world. Amazing things still happen. I just wish my mom was here so I could share those things with her. But I know she sees me. I know she is still with me. I know, in some way, she does still have her protective arms around me...and maybe that's my armor now...it's still my mom...just differently. I don't know. But I know that when I cry, she cries with me and hurts for me. And when I move forward and I live and smile and I laugh, she smiles and is happy for me.

And that will never change. That I will have for the rest of my life. It's a different relationship. But somehow, I still have a relationship with my mom. I would like my old one back, but I no longer have dreams of that actually happening. I know she is physically gone, but I don't think my mom can fully ever leave me. I have a hole in my heart, but somehow I carry my mom there. She is always with me. The stronger me, the wiser me, the new woman I am. She is there...somewhere.

I've learned a lot in two months. I wish I hadn't had to learn it all. But life is all about learning and growing and we have to take what we are given.

I miss my mom in ways that are too hard to even describe. But I am living without her. Some days I really hate it. But on more days now, I understand it and I know I have to move forward without her. It's what she would want. It's the way she raised me. It's me becoming a woman in this world living without my mother. I am not the first one to do it and will not be the last. It's a journey we all take if life works the way it's supposed to. Some have had to do it at a much younger age than myself. Some get many more years with their mothers. But we all have to walk this road sooner or later. Our choices are to let it stop us in our tracks or get up and keep moving forward. I'm glad I've chosen the latter. It's not always easy, but nothing truly worth doing or having is ever easy.

Two Months. I miss you mom. But thank you for giving me the upbringing you did that enables me to grow and be strong and to live in this world without you.

Moments

It's only been a little over a week since I last posted, but that week has held numerous moments.
The Saturday after Christmas, Olly and I pulled out all the Christmas stuff and put up our tree. I was feeling good about it. It felt right. And then I opened a box. A box I wasn't prepared for. A box I hadn't even considered. It was a box that contained many different things that my mom had given me over the years. And it paralyzed me. I couldn't move. I couldn't pick them up. I couldn't touch them. I just cried. For about 15 minutes, I cried. I knew what was in every box and I remembered receiving them all from my mom, but I had forgotten about them, and to see them staring me in the face took my breath away.

And then I moved forward. I took out each item, one at a time and had tears over each of them. I held them and I touched them and I felt close to my mom.

Sunday, we made a trip up to see Dad. On the way, we heard the story on the radio of the 4 Lakewood police officers that were killed. It was devastating.

I stopped and put some fresh flowers at the cemetery. That's not easier yet, but I suppose I shouldn't expect it to be.

When we were up at dad's, I asked him, in sort of a round-about way what he was thinking about decorating for Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised that he said he felt like he wanted to put up the tree. He said he knew mom would want that. So, Olly and I and dad put up the tree. I was so glad it was there. I put out all of mom's snow globes...many of them I had purchased for her.

I cleaned both dad's bathrooms and we got the sheets washed and changed on his bed. And then getting up the Christmas tree...well, it was a productive day. I hope to get back up there this Sunday. It will be the two month anniversary of mom's death. Two months. In some ways it seems so much longer and in some ways it feels like yesterday.

The other thing I did last week was attend a hospice loss support group. And what I learned from that was that I'm either better or worse than I thought I was. I haven't quite determined it. But I couldn't really wait to get out of there. It wasn't bad. It was actually a wonderful group. But I didn't feel that it was helpful to be in a group of people who are all grieving. It felt like SO much. It felt bigger. I can only handle my grief right now. Listening to others felt too much. Maybe with all the attention over the loss of the Lakewood officers and then the group...I don't know...I just know it was too much. So, I'm not going back...at least not right now. I feel good about that choice and glad I made it. I really thought the support group would be helpful, but it just wasn't right for me at this time. Maybe later...

As I was typing this, I broke out in tears. The rehashing of things apparently struck a nerve. I took a break and checked my e-mail. There was a message from one of my dad's friends. His wife was close friends with my mom and she died shortly before my mom after a very quick battle with pancreatic cancer. He has been doing a good job taking care of my dad and is a great support for him as someone who truly understands what he is going through. He simply sent a quick note to my brother and me which was so sweet. He included a poem that had helped him. I, of course, cried as I read through it. But it's beautiful. And it's how I'll end things here today.

IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME

If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready, in heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.

I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared and all the fun we had.

If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.

But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.

And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.

But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,

He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each day is the same way, there's no longing for the past.

So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.