9 months

Three quarters of a year. It's still sort of surreal for me. I can't believe I've lived in this world for three quarters of a year without my mom. And I'm okay. I get up every morning. I work hard. I enjoy my children. I laugh. I cry. The sun comes up and the sun sets. The world keeps rotating. I'm okay. But I still miss mom every day. And this world that I live in has never been, and never will be, the same world as the one I lived in before my mom was gone.

People told me that it would not feel as raw as it did nine months ago, and they were right. They also told me that it would still hurt now and then. Sometimes more than others. They were right about that too. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my mom, but for the most part the raw pain over the incredible loss has been replaced with just a general sadness. Yet, there are days, like today, when it all bubbles to the surface again.

The anniversaries are hard. I expect that after the first year, I'll no longer be marking every month like we all seem to do the first year. Maybe we mark those months to show ourselves that we're getting through. I think a lot about "what I was doing a year ago". July wasn't so bad. Mom was still feeling good. We were all feeling hopeful. I do remember though as the Croatian picnic was looming, mom said she couldn't go. I think everyone was hoping she would make it, but she confided to me on the phone that she had a dream that she lost my dad at the picnic and it scared her. Even though we were all feeling hopeful, the cancer was still inside and it was slowly killing her. Little things like this reminded me of that.

This weekend is the Croatian picnic. Dad is going this year. It will actually be the first year that I will be attending in a LONG time. 2 weeks ago was the first time I had been to Roslyn in a very long time. So many feelings were stirred in that trip. I took dad over to the memorial service for a childhood friend's mother. She died the same day as mom died, but was in Michigan where she had moved to be with her family after her husband had died 10 years prior. The family was all flying out to bury her with her husband in Roslyn and dad's friend (who had reconnected with dad over e-mail) invited him to come. The invitation came several months ago and I was determined I would get dad there. It was a long day of driving... an hour and a half to Arlington, 2 hours to Roslyn, a few hours in Roslyn, 2 hours back to Arlington and an hour and a half back home. But for those few hours in Roslyn, it was all worth it.

So much of that area has changed, and yet so much of it has remained like the childhood pictures in my mind. There are a LOT more people in town, but the cemetery is exactly the same. Dad and I got there early and we found his friend's mother's plot which turned out to be just steps away from my grandparents (his parents) plot. We decided to drive over to mom's family's plots as well and such a flood of emotions came hurtling back into my head. I love that cemetery. I found a love of cemeteries at that particular cemetery. I remember being a kid and exploring the older part of the cemetery and wiping off long covered head stones and being fascinated by a cemetery split by racial/ethnic classes. I learned a lot about history at that cemetery. I learned a lot about family at that cemetery.

Every memorial day it was like a family reunion at the Roslyn cemetery. As a kid growing up, it just seemed normal that we would spend several hours tending to graves while people drove up that hadn't been seen in a year (since the previous memorial day). Coolers of beer and pop always came out. People laughed and told stories. I could see all of that 2 weeks ago as I stood at my grandparent's grave. I could FEEL it.

I remember telling other kids about the my memorial day experiences and they looked at me with a look of horror because they couldn't imagine anything like that taking place at a cemetery. But for me that cemetery holds more than just my geneological history, it holds memories that I have carried with me my entire life. And in one day, years of memories came flooding back in a moment.

It was incredible to watch dad meet up with his childhood friend who he hadn't seen in decades. What a reunion. It meant a lot to both of them. And it was worth every minute of driving I did that day.

So, this weekend, it's back for the Croatian picnic. I'm looking forward to seeing family. I'm looking forward to some laughter. I'm looking forward to some memories. And right now, I'm anxiously hoping my week overdue client has her baby before Sunday so I can definitely be there!

It will be another long day of driving, but once again, I know it will be worth it. I didn't understand the importance of things like this as a kid...or even several years ago honestly. But I do now. Life is short. Time is limited. Times of laughter and joy with family need to be honored because we never know when family will be gone.

Dad and I drove by both my grandparent's homes on our way out of town two weeks ago. My mom's childhood house is torn down, but the house where my grandparents moved to, and where I spent a lot of time, is still there, as is my dad's parents' house. It was odd to drive by, and once again feel such a flood of emotions in front of each house.

I wish I had my mom here to tell me her stories and to reminisce about memories. I'll never get that back and I hate that. But I still have other family around who still have stories to share and for that I am grateful.

This post isn't anything like I thought it was going to be today. I expected to talk more about grief and mourning and how crazy it is and how on days like today, the grief seems overwhelming. But instead it turned into a post about memories and somehow that has made me feel a bit better today.

I have felt a strong need for memories lately. I feel the need to hear stories about my mom, so if any of you have any you'd like to share, please pass them along. :-)

Three-quarters of a year. Some days I still can't believe she is gone. I have had a lot of fleeting moments lately of thinking I needed to call her and tell her something and then remembering I can't call her. Some days it seems so wrong that my mom isn't in this world anymore. Some days I just need her understanding and her protection. Some days I need her applause. But I am surviving without all of it. Instead I live with the memories and imagine what she would say to me in different situations.

Losing my mom has been life changing. That I know. I am stronger than ever before and I appreciate that. But the loss of my mom is still very tangible and real and still hits me out of nowhere some days. But the sun continues to rise and the sun continues to set and I keep moving forward. On days like today though, it's important to stop and reflect a little about what I've lost and what I've gained and where I am and so this blog post is apparently what came out in all that reflection. :-)

I love you mom and I still miss you so much.