Day 134: Two Weeks Go By

It's been two weeks since I last blogged. Two weeks!

Today took me back though...took me to a place in April where I was on the phone every day. When I was talking with Hospice, with the Cancer Center, with mom and dad. When I was trying to get answers to questions. Answers to questions I didn't want to have.

Today took me back.

Mom's stomach hasn't filled up again. It's been two weeks. That's good progress and I'm so happy about it!

But the questions are still there. I get the impression that mom and dad have a lot of long talks. Or maybe talks that are mostly silent, but where so much is said. They told me this week that they spoke to Ruth, their Hospice nurse, about the idea of getting some additional testing to find out the status of mom's cancer.

Ruth told mom and dad that she would present this at the hospice meeting and would get back to them. She called them yesterday and said that the Hospice doctor didn't really feel like additional testing was merited right now. I could tell that mom and dad were somewhat disappointed so I told them I could call Hospice today and see what I could find out. They both felt like that would be helpful, so I told them I'd let them know what I found out.

So, I called Hospice and spoke to the nursing supervisor. She told me that it was their feeling that testing wasn't warranted because the kind of cancer mom has is not just going to go away. I told her I understood that. I told her that my brain and mom's brain and dad's brain all understand that, but that, at the same time, there are questions. I told her that we have had several conversations about just leaving things be and enjoying this time. But that mom and dad are living in sort of a limbo that is always hanging over them. And they would just like someone to say that mom's status is the same or better or worse.

I told her that I worry about the conversations we're not having anymore because death no longer seems to be staring us in the face. But, yet, it could be and we just don't know it.

I think she understood and said that she thought it would make sense to call over to the Cancer Center and ask for an appt for mom. I thanked her for all that Hospice is doing and found myself holding back tears for the first time in a long time.

So, my next call was to the Cancer Center. I spoke to Kim, who happened to be mom's nurse when she was getting chemo. She remember mom and listened as I went through my whole dilemma again. She told me that mom should definitely make an appt to come in and see her Oncologist again and discuss updating her prognosis.

I felt good about everything after I got off the phone and called mom and dad with an update. I went through both calls with them and could hear some trepidation in mom's voice. I told her that she certainly didn't have to make an appt if she didn't want to. She said she really did want to know more. I told her that it had been 3 months since she had seen her Oncologist and that it probably makes sense to go in and talk to him again. I mentioned that he had said he didn't see her having more than a year when we saw him last and it's already been 3 months so it seemed feasible to go in and see him again. That's when I saw (heard) something I hadn't really acknowledged in a while. Mom said, "who said less than year?" and I told her that was what the Oncologist said when we saw him last. Mom sighed and didn't say anything else. I tried to back track a bit and say that who knows what may have changed. But there it was. She didn't remember that conversation. Even though we have discussed it a couple of times in the past 3 months since the appt. She didn't remember it.

And so I left the conversation with mom and dad telling them to think about it and make the appt if they wanted to. I don't know what they'll decide. But the whole thing has kind of hit me in a weird way today. I've been living my life, knowing my mom has cancer, but somewhere, believing it might actually be gone. It's not gone. It's never going to be gone. And my time with my mom is limited and finite. I suppose our time with everyone is limited and finite. But right now, it seems moreso.

Have I been not willing to see the changes in mom? Have I been willing to just accept that she can walk on her own and carry on a conversation so she must be better? Or have I been too afraid to acknowledge that she still is sick?

I've had my moments. Every time I see her she seems more fragile. She looks so different to me. But in some ways, seems so much like my mom has always seemed. I think I focus there because it's safer.

I know the memory lapses are big. I guess I just didn't realize HOW big. Or maybe I did, but once again, didn't want to acknowledge it.

I wonder if I've just been living in a fantasy world because it's safer here. It's easier to just go about my life and pretend that cancer cells aren't still running through my mom's body, slowly killing her. And I suppose that's just a normal survival mechanism. But today things kind of hit me hard again.

I don't know what mom and dad will decide to do, but I'll update when I know. And we'll just continue to take things one day at a time.

Although I feel sad today, it also is day 134 of this blog and for that I am incredibly grateful. That's about 100 days (or more) than I thought I was going to have and so much good has happened in those 134 days. I suppose I'm never going to be ready when the days run out, but I just really want this blog to continue for a long, long time.

Day 120: And now we wait...

Mom had 4 liters of fluid drained from her abdomen today. The first time since April 27th when they took 6 liters. There were strict orders from the Hospice Dr. that only 4 liters be taken. Just as the 4th liter was topping off, the well ran dry anyway, so it was perfect.

Mom lost about 8lbs. Crazy. She is feeling so much better. There were also strict orders that she go home and put her feet up and rest for the evening. When I called her after I got home, she said she was doing just that and then said she thinks she should get her abdomen drained every day so she could get these kind of doctors orders. :-)

Both mom and dad were extremely grateful I came today, so I'm very glad I went. The boys and I made a day of it. We went out to breakfast, grabbed some snacks from the store, filled up the gas tank, made a bank stop and a Starbucks stop, drove up to Everett and arrived early so, although I was still stuffed from breakfast, my growing boys were ready for lunch and I stopped and got pizza for them. We laughed a lot today. Unfortunately, the wait for mom's procedure was extra long so that part was really boring for them, but they held up well.

The trip home was slow, but I dropped them off at their dad's just 20 minutes late. Not too bad. I got home just a short while ago around 7pm. I left at 10am this morning so it's been a long day, but it was well worth it.

Now, we just wait and see if mom's abdomen goes another 3 months or if it fills up quicker. I'm hoping for another 3 months!

Continue to keep mom in your thoughts and prayers. I'll update as I know more.

Day 119: Quick Update

Just a quick note...been an up and down week of wondering when mom was going to get her stomach drained. The Hospice nurse came Tuesday and mom still wasn't in pain so they didn't want to drain it. This morning on my routine call to mom and dad, mom sounded like she did a couple of months ago. She was hurting and short of breath. She told me that dad was going to call Hospice to find out when she could get her stomach drained.

Unfortunately, the Hospice Dr. can't come over to drain mom's stomach until next Tuesday. That wasn't going to work, so we spent all day waiting to get an appointment at the hospital. Hospice really apologized to mom, but she was upset. And honestly, so am I. The deal was that she wouldn't have to go back to the hospital. The kit is sitting at their house unused.

Nonetheless, Mom will have her stomach drained tomorrow at the hospital at 3:15pm. I will be there. Friday traffic be damned. I made a promise to mom that I would always be there when she was in the hospital and I'm sticking to it. She originally told me not to come and I told her I wanted to. She then said, "Well, I know your dad won't go back with me...." and I said, "Okay, then I should be there." And she said, "Okay, that would be nice." So, I'm going.

I'll update again tomorrow night. The test will be how long between this draining and the next one. If it happens quickly, we may be seeing the cancer taking over again. But I'm hoping and praying it will be another 2 months.

So, keep mom in your prayers please. It's been a while since we've done this. I'm not looking forward to even dealing with the hospital again. But hopefully mom will feel a lot better tomorrow afternoon.

Day 113: Update

Just a quick update...after multiple phone calls with Hospice, mom is feeling that maybe she jumped the gun.

Her regular Hospice nurse starts her vacation tomorrow and originally she had planned to have no one come while she was gone. But now, another nurse will come by on Tuesday and she will drain mom's stomach if necessary at that time.

Mom says she is feeling okay. She can tell something is happening but she isn't in pain right now and I guess that's the determining factor as to whether or not the medical personnel want to do the draining.

So, she and dad are still going to go out to dinner tonight which I guess is good.

If her stomach gets worse this weekend, we'll probably have to hit the hospital again, so everyone that reads this please say prayers that things don't get any worse than they are right now.

I'm not sure how I'm really feeling right now. I still have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. My stress level is feeling pretty high right now. Of course, I have to teach all day tomorrow and have a client that is 41 weeks pregnant too and that's adding to my stress level. So maybe it's just everything combined for me. But I'm concerned what all this means with mom.

I guess none of us will know anything until mom's stomach is drained and we see how long it takes to fill back up. That will be telling... I guess I just have to try and let my brain settle until then.

But I'm still not very good at that unfortunately...

Day 112: That "M" Word Again

~ I started this blog Thursday afternoon and was coming back to finish it this morning. But in that matter of time, things have changed. I'm going to leave what I started and update below because I think it's important to document where I was yesterday and where I am today. ~

Mom's hospice nurse visited again on Tuesday. Something new actually came of it...mom's blood pressure is going back up. It may be strange, but I actually can't help but think that's a good thing. Perhaps the cancer isn't running the show anymore.

The nurse was sitting and taking some notes when she looked over at my mom and said, "How long has the swelling been gone in your feet?" Mom said it had been several weeks. She said the nurse just put down her paperwork, looked at her and said, "You truly are a miracle".

So there it is again. Miracle.

And although I really just want to let it be and not try to figure it out, my brain has to research it. I want to figure out what is going on. I've found some documentation on the idea of cancer going into remission when someone nearly dies because all the attention goes to saving the life and keeping all the vital organs alive. Could this have been what happened to mom? Does it mean that one of these days things are going to turn again when her body fully recovers from her time spent in the hospital?

Could the two pints of blood she received in the hospital have done something? I can't find much documentation on that, but it makes me wonder. Healthy donor blood. Could it have done something for mom?

Then I found this website and found it really fascinating: http://www.noetic.org/research/sr/faqs.html#top

On my way to work tonight I talked to mom and dad about all of this. We discussed how many people have been praying for her. And we discussed miracles. During our conversation mom mentioned that she does think that she will get sick again, but that maybe it will be years. We discussed positive thinking. We discussed a lot. She also told me she got a letter from her friend Eileen's daughter. Eileen died recently from cancer and her daughter just sent a quick letter to let her know how much she has been thinking about her. Mom was so touched. She said she had been wanting dad to write a letter to Eileen's family for her, but it hadn't happened yet. I told her that when I call in the morning, I'll get the address and she can dictate a letter and I'll send it for her. She was very happy about that. She was also really excited to go out to lunch with friends from nursing school tomorrow. I got to work and had a conversation about all of this with one of my colleagues. It still is surreal to talk about miracles and smile as I talk about my mom and have people so genuinely happy for me.

~ Cut to this (Friday) morning ~

I called this morning and the phone went to mom and dad's voicemail. About 20 minutes later, mom called me. I could hear it in her voice. I could tell something had changed. My stomach immediately dropped. Mom paused and then told me that she and dad had been on the phone with Hospice because her abdomen is filling up.

And so here I am...trying not to overreact but I can't help wondering if this is the beginning of things changing. I feel like that was the phone call I was so terrified of having with mom. But maybe her abdomen just needs to be drained and then we'll go a couple of months again and things will be as they have been recently.

But I can't say I'm not really scared and worried right now. Mom cancelled her lunch with her friends. She says she doesn't think she could eat. She sounded a little concerned...but trying to keep it from me. I know that voice.

I didn't push it. I didn't want to make things bigger than they are. So, I told her to call me as soon as she knew what the plan was for getting her abdomen drained. Originally Hospice told mom and dad that they would come to their house to do it. The kit is there. So, I'm hoping that's how it will work today. If mom has to go to the hospital, I'm going to pack up the boys and go. But I'm really hoping it won't come to that.

So, that's where things are right now. I'm really just trying to breathe and take this one step at a time. And I'm going to continue trying to stay positive and believe that maybe this is just a bump in an otherwise wonderful road right now.

I'll post updates as I get them.

Day 107: Visit

I finally made it up to see mom and dad today. I brought both mom's birthday cards and dad's father's day cards. It's been too long. I'm glad my clients didn't go into labor and I was able to make it up. The traffic was FANTASTIC. I should always travel on the 4th of July. I don't think I've ever had such good traffic up and back.

Mom and dad and I chatted for a while and then we went to the casino for lunch. It was a great lunch and we had a really fun time. It was fun to watch dad play Keno again. It took me back to being a kid and getting excited to see the numbers pop up when we were in Reno. :-)

After we got back to the house, we chatted a little more and then I headed back. As I was leaving mom gave me a hug like I haven't had in a very long time. It was one of those hugs only a mom could give. When we pulled away, she had tears in her eyes. I think I'll remember that hug for the rest of my life. There was a lot said in that hug, although no words were exchanged.

Tonight I made my nightly phone call and mom and dad repeated how much they enjoyed having me up. I am definitely going to have to make a more concerted effort to get up there more often. It was good for all of us.

On a side note, for those of you reading this, I'd really love to arrange a work party to clean up mom and dad's yard. If anyone is interested in helping out, please let me know. I've never been much of a yard person, but their yard needs raking (as their front tree apparently thought it was fall) and they need some weeding and pruning of bushes. They didn't say anything, but I know it bothers them and it would make them happy to not have to look at it. My plan is to get up there again and start working on it myself, but a work party would be so much more fun. :-) And faster!

So, the sun is getting closer and closer to setting and I live on Indian Reservation land so there should be a lot of activity tonight. As long as nothing sets my house on fire, I guess I'll survive (man, I sound really old! LOL!). Hopefully the cats and I will get some sleep and tomorrow all of my boys will be coming home. I'm looking forward to that.

Day 107 was a good one. And one I'll hold with me forever. :-)

Days 101 - 106: And a week goes by

Tomorrow will be a week since I blogged last. I know I'm repeating myself but it all seems so surreal. Mom continues to do so well!

I'm crossing my fingers that I'll actually make it up to see mom and dad tomorrow. The only thing that would keep me back is if a client goes into labor.

I'm on my own this weekend. The boys are with their dad and Olly is with his family meeting his new niece for the first time.

It's a heavy reflection time for me. Tomorrow would be my 15th wedding anniversary if my ex-husband and I were still married. Unfortunately since my divorce, the 4th of July has not been my most favorite holiday. Don't get me wrong. I am a much happier and stronger woman since my divorce. I know without a doubt it was the right thing to do. But that doesn't negate the fact that 15 years ago I stood overlooking Lake Tahoe and believed in forever. I was 25 years old. I am not even remotely the woman I was that stood there that day.

Almost 4 years ago, I separated from my husband and I've thought a lot recently about how I would have handled this whole situation with mom if I had still been where I was 4 years ago before I left. I was a shell of a woman. My divorce made me stronger than I had ever been. And I have needed to harness all that strength a lot over the past 106 days.

Everything happens for a reason. I hear it all the time. Tonight, I just can't help but contemplate about all that has taken place in my life in the last 4 years and wonder if, or how, any of it ties together.

It's a bittersweet time for me. I never wanted my children to have divorced parents. But they do. But because of that divorce my children have a healthy, happy and strong mother.

I felt like I let my mom down a lot when I got divorced. It kind of tore us apart. We rarely talked. And then cancer came into our lives.

And the cancer brought us back together.

And it's giving us time to reconnect.

Who knew?

Every morning and every evening I tell my parents I love them and they tell me the same. And it's sincere and honest and true. I am incredibly grateful for every one of those I Love Yous that I can say and every one that I hear.

Life is a roller coaster. And I have never been fond of roller coasters. But this is one I have to ride. Most of the time I am white knuckled. But I keep riding it through the ups and the downs.

15 years ago, I never thought I'd be sitting alone on the eve what would become my ex-anniversary writing in my blog about my mom's cancer. 4 years ago I never would have thought I would be strong enough to face my mom's impending death and somehow hold it together. 6 months ago I wouldn't have imagined talking to my parents twice a day...simply because we could.

Sometimes I get scared when I think about all that I have yet to experience and still will experience in my future. But what the last 4 years and, even more specifically, the last 106 days have taught me is that I can get through whatever sharp corner my roller coaster of life may take. I will have times I break down. I will have moments of weakness. But I will get up and I will keep going. I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I have many, many people who love me that I never really acknowledged to myself before.

And just when things look their darkest, you never know when the light is going to shine again and surprise you with something you never expected.

My mom is doing so well and that light was certainly a welcome surprise!

And I sat down tonight feeling sad, but after putting this all down in words, another light has shown through for me. The 4th of July was once my anniversary. But as I wrote this blog tonight, I realized that it truly now is my Independence Day. I am independent from that marriage now. I am no longer dependent on what it held for me or how it held me down. It was something I needed to experience to help make me into the person I am today. And that gives me Independence and strength and courage to face another day...and whatever sharp corners are coming down my path!

Happy Independence Day tomorrow everyone! Be Safe!