Day 66 & 67: Wasting time in non-productive ways

So, I have a head cold. I hate being sick. But it's really made me think about how much I hate this simple head cold and how sick mom was a little over a month ago and how much I would hate living like that. It makes me understand and respect her decision even more.

But since I haven't had much energy to do anything but lie around...and I hate lying around...I've found myself on the computer today researching cancer.

I have to admit that my brain is really struggling with how well mom is doing. I LOVE that she is well. I LOVE it! And I want it to last. And I wish I could just enjoy it, but I can't help but wonder why she is doing so well. Why hasn't she needed her stomach drained in 4 weeks? Could the little chemo she had have actually helped this much? Or is there more to this? That's the part that's difficult. I want to believe my mom is the miracle. But the other part of me is still on constant guard, waiting for the first phone call when my dad tells me that mom isn't feeling so well.

And I really don't like this part of my personality that just can't accept the way things are. I suppose it's another lesson I need to learn.

I can't find anything that talks about someone becoming THIS good after spending 2 days in the ICU after chemo. What I have found is things like this:

* The overall prognosis of patients with cancer of unknown primary origin with multiple organ involvement and poor performance status is grave; the median survival is only 3-4 months. The 1-year survival rate is less than 15%, with a 5-year survival of 5-10%.

* Median survival ranges from 11 weeks to 11 months. The 5-year overall survival rate is about 11%.

* Ovarian Cancer accounts for only 3% of Cancer of Unknown Primary cases.

None of that sounds good. But what is the point of dwelling on that? Why do I even feel the need to look it all up? I am an answer person. I like having answers. Perhaps I need to learn that there isn't always an answer for everything.

Every day just seems to get better. When I call in the morning and evenings, dad picks up the phone on speaker and I talk to both of them. And they sound good.

And I think I just need to learn to be happy about that.

Maybe it's being sick and in kind of a vulnerable state, but I've just found myself very teary today. Maybe it's just that the tears have finally started to rebuild after all I lost during the time mom was in the hospital. Thankfully, the fluid in mom's stomach hasn't rebuilt itself, and neither it seems, has her cancer. Maybe Eileen's death has hit very close to home (mom and dad sent me her obituary today). Maybe it's just a combination of lots of stuff. I suppose tears aren't bad things...I guess it's just time for more refection.

But I'm working on simply being grateful for where my mom is right now...and letting the need to "why" go away. It's not easy...but I'm working on it.

I kind of forgot that today was a holiday so I will be calling around for birthday locations tomorrow and we'll see what comes out of that. I know we'll find some place. This birthday celebration has to come together so I know the right place is out there. This is a well deserved and much needed celebration so I have no doubts we'll pull it all together in the time we have available.

For now, it's back to lying down for me and practicing the art of letting go...