Day 46: Stress

Stress is such an interesting thing. It manifests itself in so many ways. Sadly, for the past few days, mine has been manifesting itself in an overwhelming need to eat. It's driving me crazy!

Before mom ended up in the hospital two weeks ago, I was doing a great job of working out and eating right and losing weight. Since then I've either been eating on the road or not eating at all, forcing my body into storing fat...or eating everything in site apparently to add more fat for storing during starvation periods. Sheesh...

At least today I really acknowledged it, so hopefully that will curb it. And I did work out...still doing that anyway. There's truly no better motivation than when the Wii Balance Board says, "That's overweight" after it weighs you and then your little Mii gets all sad and disappointed. ;-)

Of course, tomorrow I'm back out on the road.

Mom has an appointment with her Oncologist at 11:45am tomorrow. I called both Hospice and the Cancer Center shortly after 8am this morning to make sure I could get mom in as soon as possible. Everyone was really nice and, as you can see, got mom in quickly. I need to be there tomorrow...both for myself and for my parents. I really think mom and, possibly dad, think that things have changed. That there might be good news tomorrow. I would love nothing more than to believe that. But I have to be realistic and remember that mom has cancer. It isn't just going to disappear. So, tomorrow will be a reality check and a wake up call. And my hope is that mom and dad just take it well and keep doing exactly what they're doing now...starting to live again. Mom went to Costco with dad today. That's huge! Costco wipes ME out. The fact that mom went is great. She didn't walk through the store, but nonetheless, she was out and about. I feel like that's a good first step. I don't want her to change if she hears something she doesn't want to hear tomorrow.

I'm grateful I'm going to be able to go. Both my boys are sick today. Not swine flu sick, but sick enough that I wouldn't be able to take them with me tomorrow...or expect a childcare person to watch them. I had kind of given up hope on being able to go. Then Olly texted me and his text started, "Don't argue..." He changed his schedule for tomorrow so that he's going in extra early and getting off around 8:30 or 9am so that he can be home to watch the boys tomorrow while I go up with mom and dad. So, even though I still wanted to argue the point a bit...he's having to get up too early...he'll be losing out on some pay...I just simply had to be grateful that he was doing this for me. It means so very much.

So, thanks to him I'll be up there tomorrow. Now if I can just manage to get up there in the crazy storm that apparently is on it's way. I guess I'll just do what I always do which is to ask God to put a bubble around my car and protect me as I make my way up there. It's too important to let some NW rain stop me from going.

And today...I'm really learning more lessons. I am apparently a slow learner, but this experience with my mom has taught me that we all have to reach out to others now and then. The silly thing is that my job is all about taking care of others...but when it's me...I have no idea how to let people take care of me. But I'm being forced to learn. I truly NEED people right now. That is such an odd place for me to be. But I can't do this alone. I just can't.

Today I wrote several thank you notes, including a big e-mail to Providence Everett to thank them for the care mom received two weeks ago. In a matter of minutes I received 2 e-mails back thanking me for taking the time to write and getting more information from me. They really do care there and I have to say I'm pretty darn impressed with the place. Especially after having worked at a couple of different hospitals and spending time in lots of them as a Doula...it's just nice to see a hospital that really seems to care about it's patients and their families. Anyway...it felt good today to finally say thank you.

So, after a few days off, it's back on the road tomorrow. Back to the reality that I can hide from a little bit here in the confines of my own home. It hit me this weekend that so much of my exhaustion is emotional. I can handle not sleeping. I can handle the physical exhaustion. It's the emotional exhaustion that wipes me out. Maybe, like with the food, if I can acknowledge it, I can somehow help curb it. We'll see how all that goes tomorrow.

Tomorrow is our reality check. I kind of like the fantasy world I can create for myself now and then. I'm not really sure I want the reality. But it's a necessity. Like it or not.