Day 47: And so these are the facts...

Today, mom, dad and I met with mom's Oncologist. Mom needed some answers. She wanted to know her status.

She asked her Oncologist if he knew where her cancer was originating from. He told her no. She asked if he ever would. He told her no. We've had this conversation before, but I don't think mom remembers it. Or...she just needed to hear it again.

Her Oncologist told her that they are treating it as if it is Ovarian Cancer since that's how it seems to be presenting. However, there isn't cancer in her ovaries. He said that it's likely she's had cancer for years and her ovaries got rid of it and it moved to different organs. (Note to all the women out there: keep getting your yearly exams...my mom thought she didn't need them anymore after menopause...that's what they told women 30 years ago.) Her Oncologist said the other thing that was possible was that this is Bowel Cancer. He told her that Ovarian Cancer can be treated and that the average life span is 4 years. That's with months of chemo and then months off and then months on again. He said she could have 7 years...but could also have months. No guarantees. He repeated though that they aren't sure it's Ovarian. And if it's Bowel Cancer, there is no treating that.

Mom was adamant that she is done with chemo. None of us blame her for that. Her Oncologist was surprised at how sick it made her because it was a very low dose apparently. He told her again that he did feel she was making a good decision for herself.

We talked about a catheter for her stomach draining and the doctor felt like it might be pretty uncomfortable for mom to have that in and she said she didn't want any more discomfort. So, for now, we'll just continue with the draining as needed.

Dad finally asked the question that was sort of sitting out there...how long? He wanted to know if there's any way to know how much more time mom has. The doctor said it's hard to say, but not likely a year. Honestly, that was good news for me. I was thinking weeks. But the idea there might be a year? I'll take that. And I was worried that if the doctor had said weeks that mom would have just given up. But a year? She can live some life during that time. Even if it does turn out to only be weeks or a few months, she will have lived some during that time. So, although it was still hard to hear, it was better than I had anticipated.

Mom's Oncologist is a straightforward man. He doesn't pull punches and in his line of work, I guess he really can't. Mom asked him what happens from here and he explained that the cancer will continue to spread...ultimately to her lungs and bones. He said she will continue to get weaker and ultimately won't be able to get up anymore. She won't be able to eat anymore. That comfort measures will become necessary.

That terrifies me. I knew it would happen, but to hear it the way I did today was like a punch in the gut.

So, we left with the reality. Mom is dying. I knew that. But the reality really stared us all in the face today. Nonetheless, I felt a little more optimistic that she'll get to see her new grandson. She'll get to have another birthday in a month. Although, I am keeping my mind open to the fact that things could change quickly too. But for now, while mom is up and better, I want her to live.

Mom stopped in the restroom on the way out and I told dad that mom has to keep going. She has to live. He agreed and said he hoped he could get her to start getting out more. She has been doing it slowly. He's hoping to arrange dinner with some friends that they used to see every week. I'm hopeful that will happen.

And then I told my mom the same thing. I told her she has to LIVE. She said she is trying. I told her to do the things she loves to do. And she seemed to agree. I'm truly trying to hold on to the hope that she will keep moving forward and living the time she has left.

And it struck me today that that's all any of us can do. None of us know how much time we have left. But my mom has a more general idea than most people. It made me realize how precious life really is and that we all have to live each day as if it were our last.

Olly and I both got up at 3am this morning. He went to work early so he could be home early so I could go to this appointment with mom and dad. I couldn't get back to sleep so I got up and worked out. I drove up north in lots of rain and back south in lots of rain. I did some errands on the way home and then worked tonight. Strangely, I'm not beat yet. I suppose it will come.

I haven't cried yet either. I think the pouring rain made me focus on the road on my trip home. And I've been busy since I got back. I'm sure those tears will come as well.

Tomorrow the boys and I are going to go get Mother's Day cards for their Nana. That might be hard and joyful at the same time. My guess is that I won't get through cards without tears at the store.

This will most likely be my last Mother's Day with my mom. So, we will celebrate her because we have been given the gift of some time. We will celebrate this woman who gave me life. This woman who sacrificed a LOT for me.

And we will celebrate her not just on Mother's Day, but on many days from here on out.