Day 43: Malaise

My body is trying to tell me to slow down. I am exhausted. I could fall asleep at any moment during the day. Of course, any time I miss a full night's sleep it takes me two nights to catch up. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a little more alive again.

But the sadness is overtaking me. I took the boys out to lunch today and I felt like I had to force a smile. That's not like me with the general public. But I really just don't want to deal with people or traffic or any of life's little stresses. They seem like too much.

Yesterday was hard on me. And it's carried over into today and I am just incredibly sad.

I got my hair cut tonight. That was desperately needed. But I couldn't carry on my normal happy conversation with my hair dresser.

I did call mom and dad this morning and was surprised that mom answered the phone. She almost sounded like her old self. It was kind of surreal for a moment and took me back to a different time. She had sent dad out to the casino for a bit. I was glad he was out, but I was worried about mom being alone. It didn't take long of talking with her to remember that this wasn't 6 months ago. Her mind just isn't the same. She's not the same person.

I called again tonight and mom said that she had talked to her Hospice aid today about the fact that she really wants to talk to her doctor about her diagnosis. She had said something to me yesterday but I thought she was just a little confused. But I guess she just wants to hear from her Oncologist what her prognosis is. I suppose that's fair. She was supposed to have an appointment with him and then ended up in the hospital. I think all of us know that her original prognosis was 3 months. But I get the sense that mom feels like she's starting to feel better so maybe she's getting better. I'd love to believe nothing more than that. But I know my mom doesn't know what her mind is doing. She doesn't see the mental lapses that we all see.

But we're going to get her in next week so she can talk to her Oncologist. Actually it might be good for all of us to hear it. Then we can move forward from there.

I think I'm staying home this weekend. There are several visitors planned to see mom and dad so maybe I'll give my body some well deserved rest and stay home knowing that I'll be making at least a trip or two up this week. Part of me really wants to go up. I'd like to see the people that are visiting as well as see my parents. But the other part of me knows that if I want to stay healthy, I have to rest sometime too. Maybe this weekend is my opportunity. I need to let people help me. I need to let people take care of me. I just don't know how to do any of that. But I'm really starting to feel the need to be taken care of...that's unusual for me.

I'm just hoping I can break out of this sadness. It really hurts. My eyes hurt. My head hurts. My muscles hurt. My heart hurts. I want to stop hurting. Except I know there is so much more to come. But I'd just like a little bit of happiness here and there.

And then I feel selfish for wanting anything while my mom is dying. It's just a constant struggle. I still don't understand how to walk this path. There are no rules. I keep thinking I need to find some sort of support group. That might help. It would be nice to talk with other people who have been here. I just don't know where there are any around here.

I'm ready to sleep tonight. Although I know I never sleep well. My mom and dad are always somewhere in my head. I always wake up tired. As though I walked 10 miles in my sleep. But with the exhaustion I have right now, maybe I'll actually sleep hard for one night.

And maybe tomorrow I'll find some glimpses of happiness. I just have to keep up the hope...