I worked most of today and didn't call mom and dad this morning because I didn't want to bother them too early. I called around 5pm tonight and dad was eating so he put mom on the phone. It was almost like old times. Years ago, I talked to my mom every day. I considered her one of my best friends. But I was keeping a big secret from her. I was living in a terrible marriage. But it was one she thought was so wonderful and I didn't want to let her down, so I kept the secret so she wouldn't worry. I often wondered if that made our relationship a little less than sincere or as real as it could have been. But I had spent most my life trying to make my mom proud of me. And I felt like she finally was...even if what she was proud of wasn't real.
And then reality all came crashing down...as it was inevitably going to do one day. And I realized then, that it would have helped the fall out if I had been honest with my mom all along, because she was shocked and stunned and confused. When my marriage finally crumbled under the weight it had been living, it didn't surprise me...but it surprised everyone else in my life, because I had kept it all a secret from everyone in my life (I told that to my mom later, but I don't think she felt any better knowing that she wasn't the only one who didn't see this coming).
At that time, mom and I quit talking. I sensed she was disappointed in me. I sensed she was angry. And I learned that she was in touch with my ex-husband and seemed (to me) to be taking his side. I couldn't tolerate that. And my anger boiled to the surface and I just had to break away from her. I was so hurt. I wanted my mom to support me. I wanted her to hold me and say, "I don't understand, but I love you and I'm here for you." But that's not what I got. And I was angry about it. I guess I expected people to just jump to the place where I was already living. The problem was that I had years and years to get there and I was expecting everyone to join me overnight.
Looking back, I learned a lot about myself over the past 3 1/2 years. I have become the woman I always knew was deep inside of me, but was suppressed living the secret I was living. I also learned that I could live without my mom. I had become reliant on her. I talked to her every day. Sometimes for an hour or more. I rehashed my day. I talked about my kids. I talked about my job. I talked about my house. But I never talked about my marriage. And I think she became my escape from reality sometimes.
When we stopped talking (or I stopped talking to her anyway), I had to learn to live on my own. For a while, I found a therapist to replace my mom (she listened because I paid her...;-)). During therapy I learned about myself. I learned about my past. I learned about my relationship with my mom. I learned about truth. I learned about love. I learned about living in truth and loving myself. I learned a lot about who I am. And I learned I was ok on my own.
I believe I needed to understand all of that (and more) before my mom and I could move forward with our relationship. And we did move forward. Except it wasn't the same. I mostly e-mailed. The times mom and I did talk, it was strained. Sometimes she said stuff that really made me angry and I had to pull back again.
I've looked back and have begun to wonder if maybe this cancer wasn't causing some problems for mom over the past year (and maybe longer). Some of the things that came out of her mouth were just odd and sometimes very hurtful. And it just didn't seem like my mom. Michael and Kiersten noticed things too. We attributed it to mom getting older and just saying what she wanted, but I'm not entirely convinced that the cancer didn't have something to do with it anymore.
But no matter what the reason...I had kind of accepted that my mom and I would never have the same kind of relationship we once had and that that was just the way it needed to be.
Things changed 58 days ago. When the threat of losing my mom was staring me in the face, I knew I had to salvage whatever relationship mom and I had left. It's the reason I started this blog. Mom and I have always had an up and down relationship, but the past few years have held the most change and the most challenges.
I have called my parents' house at least once a day for the past 58 days. Over the past 2 weeks, I've been talking to my mom more as her health has improved. Today I talked to her for a half hour. That's the longest conversation the two of us have had in a very long time. And it was a good conversation. It was about stuff I never wanted to have conversations about with my mom...things like hospitals and stomach draining and cancer and death. But it was actually a good conversation. It was an honest conversation. And maybe that's why it was so good.
At the end of our talk, mom made a point to mention to me that Olly had been very good to her the past few times we had been up there. I told her he was a good guy. She told me that yes, he was. And then told me that she wanted to make sure she told me how good he had been to her. She said she was glad I had him. I told her I was too. And I meant it. And I think she knew it. I mentioned to her that when she went to the hospital, I dropped everything on Olly. I said, "I'm leaving" and I left. I would come home at night and go back first thing in the morning. I missed most of his birthday. And he was just always there. But I told mom that I would do it all over again. And she said, "I know you would. I know that very well. You made that very clear." I jokingly said, "See, I'm not such a bad kid." And she said, with all sincerity and many of years of ups and downs behind it, "No...no you are not." And those 5 words meant everything to me. She doesn't remember her time in the hospital, but I remember every moment. What she knows is that I was there. Maybe because people told her or maybe because she remembers bits and pieces, but she knows I was there. And she is grateful.
When my mom and I hung up I told her to tell dad that I loved him and she said, "And he loves you too." I said, "I love you too mom" and she said, "I know you do. And I love you so much."
And it was real. There are no secrets anymore. What would be the point of secrets now? Our relationship is real now. And I treasure each moment of it.
Right now I have my mom. There are no expectations on either of our part. We simply love one another and that's all that matters. She knows I will always be there for her. And I know she loves me. And that's what matters.
If cancer gave me this gift, then there is a part of me that is actually thankful for it. I don't know how to be thankful for this stupid, awful disease. But I am thankful for THIS time. Right now. In spite of, or maybe because of, this cancer, I have been given a gift that I will treasure long after my mom is gone.
My mom turns 73 in 3 weeks. I think it's time for a birthday party. Anyone interested? Nothing major. But a celebration of mom's life. A time to tell stories, share memories, smile and laugh. I haven't mentioned it to mom and dad yet, but I intend to. We had discussed a life celebration for her when she was in the hospital, but then she was so sick we didn't think she was going to live long. Now, I feel like we've been given time and what better time to celebrate than on her birthday?
13 years ago I threw her a surprise 60th birthday party. I sent out about 100 invitations and expected maybe 1/3 to a 1/2 of those people to show. I think about 80 or so of those people came. I realized then how much my mom was loved. I think now is a good time to remind her again. :-)
On a complete side note...I watched "Farrah's Story" last night. I cried most of the way through it...I'll rehash that in a later post. She is a brave woman. And her fight has been a valiant one. But she was fighting a losing battle...that is almost over for her. Her story hit me hard. And made me even more grateful for this time...and these moments...with my mom. And I will continue to treasure every single day I have with her.
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