Day 44: Catch Up Mixed with Guilt

So, I stayed home today. I spent the entire morning dealing with the guilt of not going up to mom and dads. Even though when I called them this morning dad said things were going really well. Mom even sounded pretty good on the phone. But the guilt was still there.

I spent the rest of my day catching up on financial papers that I have fallen behind on over the past 6 weeks. I feel caught up and don't have that sitting in the back of my mind anymore. I guess that's a good thing.

Mom and dad had a nice visit with Aunt Cecilia and Uncle Joe and Cousin Kim. I really wish I could have seen them all. I was looking forward to a Cousin Kim hug. But somewhere in my head, I just knew I needed to stay home today. I heard that Aunt Cecilia made an apple pie and that mom ate an entire piece with a scoop of strawberry ice cream. That's progress! :-)

Right now I'm feeling like it was a good thing I stayed home. I feel more rested than I did earlier in the day. I'd like to go back up tomorrow again and see Karen and Andy, but I think I'm going to stick around here again and give myself one more day to actually try and rest.

But boy the guilt can get overwhelming. I feel like any moment things could turn with my mom. I'm learning more and more about cancer and have heard through the hospice people that there is often a period of a person feeling good that is then followed by a dramatic downward turn and things often move quickly after that. I'm terrified of that and want to experience as much time as I can with my mom being somewhat lucid. But I also understand that I am human and can only push my body so far. I anticipate many, many trips up north as things do decline and I will be there for all of that. I guess my body deserves a couple of days to just take it easy. But ask me again tomorrow when I'm in tears, consumed with guilt for not making the trip up. Ugh...

One of my friends on facebook just posted this... "It takes strength to hide your own pain...it takes courage to show it, and deal with it." She is dealing with a family illness of her own. She understands the same pain I'm feeling. Although I haven't always considered myself strong, over the past few years, I have developed a strength I didn't know I had in me. It has served me well...especially recently. However, it certainly has helped me hide my own pain. I'm learning to be more courageous in showing it though. That is still a learning process for me.

My mom did mention to me again this morning on the phone that she will feel better when she knows what's wrong with her. I can't figure out if she doesn't remember that she has cancer or doesn't believe it or what. But I'm making sure that she's going to get that appointment next week no matter what!

So, I know I'll be driving up next week. I know that in 19 days I'll be up in Bellingham welcoming my new nephew into the world. I am hoping and praying that mom will be around long enough to see him. And when I say that I think, "19 days". Is it possible that my mom won't be here in 19 days? And then I want to get in my car and drive up there and never leave.

I'm in a constant tug of war in my mind. And there's still a part of me that just can't even believe this is happening. It's been 44 days and my brain still can't comprehend it. Of course, then there's the other side of me that says, "it's only been 44 days".

~ Sigh ~

I know people say that I will smile again someday. I will smile sincerely and my life will move forward. I will find joy again. Of course, I've also heard that losing your mom is a pain that never totally heals. I sit and think sometimes what I'll be doing this time next year. And I know that's silly because last year I was thinking about the 40th birthday party I was going to have this year. And look how that turned out. But I do wonder...what will I be doing the week before Mother's Day next year. How will that feel?

But then I have to come back to now and know that right now, mom is still here. God willing, I will have one more Mother's Day with her. And next year we will look back on this time and smile. Perhaps it will be a smile through tears. But we will remember the good times.

So, I am trying to live in the present...and somehow prepare for the future. I still don't feel old enough for this. And I know that this is life changing. And I know I will come out of this stronger and wiser. But I will forever carry a pain in my heart. And I'm still not ready...