Perspective and more pain

I have mentioned here before that a Doula acquaintance of mine has been struggling with a terrible, aggressive cancer in her 14 year old son. His battle has been going on about as long as my mom's. His name was Sam. And Sam lost his battle today.

I am heartbroken. I never met Sam except through his mom's blog. But I feel his loss.

And it is bringing up so much pain. And anger. And yet, there is perspective. My mom was too young to die. She just was. She had so much life yet to live.

But 14??? That doesn't make sense at all.

The pain I feel at the loss of my mom is sometimes unbearable. But the idea of losing one of my children is a pain my heart and brain refuse to let me even try to imagine. I grabbed both my boys and held on for dear life tonight. I can't imagine my world without them in it.

I am hurting for this Sam's family. His mom and dad and brother and sister. I am hurting for myself and my family. I am hurting for the loss of two people that should still be here. I'm questioning so much right now.

And yet, I am also envisioning my mom welcoming this young man into Heaven...telling him she is new too and showing him around.

None of it makes any sense. All my wounds feel open and raw tonight.

I am just so incredibly sad.