Firsts

I apparently am now defining my life in the "first since my mom died" moments. There was the first night trying to sleep after my mom died. The first morning waking up without my mom. The first class taught since my mom died. The first grades since my mom died. The first birth since my mom died. Today was my first grocery trip since mom died.

It's odd...it's how I define everything these days without really even thinking about it.

The grocery store was tough today though and reminded me that it's time to start going easy on myself. My stress level is incredibly high and my patience level is incredibly low. I don't have time for the rudeness of people. I found myself taking lots of deep breaths just trying to make my way through the process.

It's as if my life stopped and started over the day my mom died. There is my life WITH my mom and my life WITHOUT my mom. And they are two completely different worlds. At some point, far down the line, I assume they will meld together in some ways. But right now, they are so starkly different.

And my shoulders...my poor shoulders. I have always carried my stress in my shoulders and by about this time every day, they are just aching. I am trying SO hard to deep breathe and release stress, but the stress is winning. I am wiped out every day by about 3pm. I sleep hard and am refreshed by morning, but ugh...it's getting to me. I can't run much longer.

Tonight is a prenatal appt with clients and tomorrow I teach and then I'm done for 8 days. Done. Completely done. I hopefully will even be done with school for this term. I finished one class today. I hope to finish my other tomorrow. And then I can let go for a bit. I can just feel all the things I'm trying to avoid right now for fear that if I start to melt, I just might not stop and I still have things to do. But the emotions are building, bubbling...just waiting to erupt. I'm afraid of what this is going to look or feel like. I've seen bits and pieces. It's something I've never felt. It's so new and scary. All of it. And yet, what choice do I have but to make my way through it?

The funeral planning continues. It's odd planning my mom's funeral while birthing and visiting with clients and doing my finals. Again...it's like two different worlds.

One day I'm going to laugh and really feel it again right? I mean, I have laughed. I have smiled, but it doesn't feel the same on the inside...as though the pain just eats the happiness up from the inside out. I assume that will get better. I know my mom would want me to have happiness. I know she wouldn't want me sad all the time. But it's not as easy as that. I underestimated this pain. I really did. It has a life of its own and it's powerful. I'm trying to be stronger than the pain, but it seems like a battle I can't win.

And so I just keep experiencing the firsts. I keep seeing this world through different eyes. I keep putting one foot in front of the other. Heck I even did a small workout this morning. But everything seems so different. And lonelier. I can't even imagine what it's like for my dad. I have my kids and Olly to keep me company. He just has phone calls. It makes me really sad to think about it. We both talked yesterday about how we think of things to tell mom and then instantly are reminded she's not here to tell. I hate it.

Olly is working hard on a beautiful photo montage for the reception after the funeral. I picked the music and the pictures, but he's done the majority of the work. And I have yet to be able to get through the first few pictures without bursting into tears. Mom's funeral is 5 days away. I don't know how to get through my mom's funeral. It terrifies me. But, as with everything else, what choice do I have? It still feels all so surreal. My head feels so foggy all the time. Decision making is impossible. The little things don't feel little.

I WILL get through this. I know that. But this is harder than I imagined. Harder than I expected. And sometimes it just seems too much.

I feel like I can't miss her any more than I already do...and then each day, I still miss her more.