Day 207: It's pretty much all just pain now...

So, Saturday I had to teach all day. I'm not sure I was actually there, but the class evaluations were good so I must have done an okay job. I know my head was certainly elsewhere.

Then Sunday it was back up north. Mom was significantly worse than she was Friday. It was so incredibly hard. Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill came up and Michael and Kiersten were there. Having family around is so comforting. Mom was barely lucid. I called Hospice to come over and check on her. The nurse that came was fantastic. She said that mom's heart was racing so hard. She suggested my dad stop moving mom from bed to chair and said it would help to get the hospital bed back in the house.

We're down to days I believe.

And so while I'm dealing with all of this yesterday, a client decided to have her baby and I had to leave my mom and head back. I got home at 4:45am this morning. It was a hard birth. And my emotions are running high. I honestly believe that God needed me to leave yesterday. That He knew I wouldn't go otherwise and that I needed to understand that I don't have to be there every minute. But it's still hard. I'm so conflicted today wanting to go up there and knowing I have loads of homework and probably shouldn't be driving in this state anyway.

Hospice is out again today. I'm waiting for a little bit to call dad and find out what they told him. I've called the 24 hour caretakers that we used back in April to see if we can get them to come in the overnight hours until mom dies so dad can sleep in peace. I've called mom and dad's church and put the wheels in motion so they know that we're going to need them soon. Say what you want about Catholics (I've said my share), but they do death well. Everything will be taken care of for us and that will be a blessing.

And so now it's a terrible, painful, horrible waiting game. My mom was breathing every 9 to 12 seconds yesterday. At this point, I just want her to go. I want her to have peace. I don't ever want to give her up, but I can't stand what she's going through. This kind of pain is so incredible and so wrong.

My dad is going through so much. He is losing his lifelong companion. How do you do that? And he's watching every minute of it. He is loving her so much through her final days. He is so patient even though his heart is breaking to pieces. It's the most painful thing in the world to watch your parent's heart break. It truly is.

So, I do homework today intermixed with phone calls. I have a visit with a client tonight and have another client due today. My exhaustion level is incredibly high right now. I know this is a transforming journey I am on. I can feel the transformation. But it is hard. And it is painful. And it is against my will. And yet, I have to walk through it.

Thank goodness for the love and support I have. To all of you who have sent messages to me through e-mail, facebook, phone calls, texts...I love you all and you are carrying me through this in ways I cannot explain. I don't know how to ask for help. I get that from my parents apparently. But all of you who have been showering me with love and support mean the world to me. You are my strength right now. Thank you to each and every one of you.