Day 202: Overwhelming Sadness

So, this is my 100th post in this blog. I slowed down a lot as mom improved and now I think I'm probably back to daily or close to daily posts again.

I talked to mom's hospice nurse today. I've talked to her a lot over the past few months. Today is the first time I heard her sad on the phone. She told me that she thinks mom has about a month left, maybe a little longer. But the reality is that that is mom's physical body. Her mind is already going. She is confused. Her mental facilities have declined an incredible amount in the past week and a half. She is not supposed to be left alone from here on out. That puts an enormous amount of pressure on my dad. Michael and I will have to figure out a way to make sure he is getting some relief. He needs to get out of the house. My plan will be to go up there at a minimum of one day a week to relieve dad for a few hours, but hopefully I can do a couple of days a week, or Michael can take a day now and then.

I mentioned to mom's hospice nurse that I'd told mom and dad to call me anytime and I would be there, but that I knew they probably wouldn't take me up on that. I mentioned that I didn't know if I should just show up on their doorstep uninvited. And she told me that this is the time to show up at the door. That said a lot to me. So, I'm going up Friday and will go up again on Sunday and will make a plan for next week from there. Of course, I have a client due in here too so that may change things a little, but I just have to believe it will all work as it should.

I talked to dad this afternoon and he said that the hospice bath aid had been there for about an hour and a half and had given mom a sponge bath and washed her hair and made mom feel so much better. And a hospice volunteer had been out and spent two hours weeding. I am so grateful for hospice. If any of you reading this ever need a place to donate money, please consider your local hospice organization. It's an incredible service.

I had a moment of reflection today as a local acquaintance of mine just posted on her blog about her son. He has been battling cancer for some time. He's 13. And this week the tumors in his brain came back and there is no more treatment for him. I am so lost and sad over the loss of my mother, but I cannot even fathom losing my child. We're supposed to lose our parents. We are not supposed to lose our children. It put things in a bit of a perspective for me, even though it doesn't necessarily lessen my pain. I also learned yesterday that another friend had a family member diagnosed with cancer and every time I hear it it makes me SO mad. We have to figure out what is doing this to us. Is it technology...our cell phones, our tvs and microwaves and computers? Or is it our food and the fillers? We just have to figure it out. I don't want my kids growing up in a world so filled with cancer.

But for now, my focus is on mom and dad. I took the boys to the zoo today. We needed an outlet. It was a beautiful morning and watching my kids at the zoo gave me moments of happiness and laughter. We all needed that. Tomorrow is homeschool bowling and I teach tomorrow night. Friday we'll head up and spend a few hours at my parents. Saturday I teach all day and then Sunday I'll head back up. Somewhere in here I'll be birthing. I have assignments and 2 papers due. There are moments when it is all so overwhelming. I have been staring at my paper that needs to be edited for about 2 hours today and can't seem to come up with anything. But I'll push through. That's what my mom taught me. This too shall pass. Except, honestly, I know when all this passes, my mom will be gone. And that doesn't make things seem any better at all.