Day 208: Strength and Depression Combined

The last 6 months has taught me a lot about how strong I am. I know I am strong now. I can take care of my dying mom all while being on call 24/7 and doing long, overnight births and homeschooling my boys and starting back to school myself and teaching childbirth classes and keeping a house up (sort of) and being a good mom. I can do all of that. I know it's there within me.

But right now, I don't want to do any of it. I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to give it all to other people and just fall into a heap. I feel like I'm falling into a depression and I'm trying to hang on to the edges of sanity and not let go. Happiness and laughter are things that seem so far removed from what I think I'll ever feel again.

The only thing that I know is a good sign is that I do know there is another side to this. I do believe someday I'll find my way out. It's not fully depression if you know that right?

I thought I was ready for this. I really did. I thought I had these wonderful 6 months to prepare. People keep telling me how lucky we were to have them and I know that. But none of that makes NOW easier. None of it. I am NOT ready. I am SO incredibly sad and angry. I truly thought I was past that, but I'm not.

Last night it hit me out of the blue that I will NEVER talk to my mom again. Ever. And it nearly doubled me over. I can't explain that flashes that run through my head on a continuous loop. I hear conversations we've had in the past or things she would tell me or how we would commiserate over life together. I'll never have that again.

I don't know how to live without her. I really, truly don't.

I am so worried about my dad and my brother...and myself honestly. She was our rock. What do we possibly do without her?

I don't know why I bother with makeup anymore. It's a waste of time these days. When the tears start they are a flood. My eyes are swollen all the time.

My mom raised a strong, determined, self-reliant, stubborn woman. I know she is still there, I'm just having a hard time finding her these days.