Day 203: Losing my mom

Things seem to be moving quickly. I talked to mom this morning and she sounded confused and anxious. I kind of had to talk her down on the phone. I was a mess when I hung up. Later today I had a long talk with dad. Probably the longest talk he and I have had in years. He is under so much stress. I'm so worried about him. I'm heading up tomorrow so he can get a few hours reprieve. He hasn't even been out to get groceries. Mom needs 24/7 care now. I told him we'd talk about Michael and I setting a schedule and maybe getting Hospice to help out or bringing in some other care givers now and then.

Although, it doesn't sound like mom is even going to be lucid much longer. Her pain is increasing. Dad had to give her 3 oxycodone in an hour today. He said he was so worried because he couldn't make the pain go away for mom. He has so much on his shoulders. Hospice is coming by tomorrow and going to get dad meds that last 12 hours instead of 4. Ultimately though, we may be looking at constant IV meds through mom's port. All of this means she's basically be unconscious.

This is all just so wrong and ugly. I hate this damn disease. I hate what it's doing to my mom. Dad was so upset tonight and said mom doesn't deserve this. He's right. No one deserves the way this disease takes you. And what it does to all those left behind in it's wake. It's horrible. Truly horrible.

I'm terrified about tomorrow. It's been about 3 weeks since I've seen mom and her hospice nurse has warned me that there is nothing to her. Somehow I have to hold it together as much as I can tomorrow. But it is not going to be easy.

I'm finding myself falling apart at random times during the day. In the shower, drying my hair, driving to work. There doesn't even have to be a trigger. Something hits me out of the blue and I fall apart. I taught class tonight and am amazed at how I can laugh and put on a brave face. No one would know my mom was dying. But then as soon as everyone clears out, I feel so lost. It all comes rushing back. God, I don't want her to die. It hurts so much!

I don't know how to live my life while my mom is dying. I just don't. I want it to stop. I want the world to stop rotating so I can just be with my mom. And I'm so angry I can't do that.

I guess I'm just angry and sad and hurt and scared in general. This is just so horrific. How do I go on without my mom? I just don't know how to do it.

Damn, it just all hurts so much.