So, today I made another trek up north to go through the funeral preparations with dad. I stopped at the cemetery on the way up to sign some papers. The person at the cemetery sat with me for some time and then took me out to the area where mom and dad had purchased their niche for their urns. I wasn't sure I was ready for it. I was all alone and unprepared. But I am SO glad I did it. The cemetery is absolutely beautiful. Even in the very ugly weather we had today, it was incredible. I felt such peace. I see myself spending many days up at that cemetery walking the grounds with my mom's spirit right beside me.
My parents arranged for everything. I remember not wanting to hear them talk about it back in 2001 when they purchased their niches and paid for everything at the funeral home. I remember feeling it was morbid and I just didn't want to hear it. But, wow... everyone should do this for their children. There have been no questions of what mom wanted or where she wanted her final resting place to be. They handled it all years ago. It has been an incredible blessing for Michael and me. Please, please do this for your children.
The funeral service is pretty much taken care of. Today dad and I just needed to pick out readings and psalms, etc. Just a few things have to be handled and then it's done. The church provided a very simple template and it was fairly easy.
Dad and I went out to lunch afterwards and we talked and cried together. The cemetery gave me a wonderful handout on grief and it was the best thing I've read about what it feels like to grieve. It discusses that it can be months before you feel like you can tackle the little things. That none of that stuff is important. That was good for both me and dad to read. It also mentioned you can often feel like your head is in a cloud of cotton. That was sort of stunning for me because I haven't been able to explain how I feel, but THAT is it!
I have arranged for a day off tomorrow, unless my client goes into labor. I'm looking forward to that. I may just stay in my pajamas and do a little studying and a lot of just "being". Michael and Kiersten will be visiting with dad which makes me happy.
Today was an okay day. I did a lot of crying on my trip up and back alone in my car. Spending time with dad was good for both of us. I'm slowly learning to take better care of myself. I feel a great desire to laugh. We're planning a little get together on Friday night with family to simply laugh before mom's funeral the next day. It is what my mom would want and it will be good for all of us.
Mom's obituary comes out in the paper tomorrow. That will be hard. But none of this is easy. Each step forward is a good one.
Although, I seem to miss her more every day.
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