Day 8: Scream

A scream came out of me on my drive home tonight. It was primal and raw. I don't know where it came from, but my throat still hurts.

It's been a long day...suffice it to say that something is up with mom's diabetes and my gut tells me that it's tied in directly to the cancer, but I couldn't get mom to call the doctor today.

We're not going up to my brother's tomorrow as planned and that makes me sad.

I feel useless. I feel like I need to be taking care of my mom but I don't know what to do.

My boys are at their dad's. Olly is at his parents in Eastern Washington.

I'm alone.

And tonight I really feel that way.

I'm cleaning and organizing trying to stay busy. But there's so much bubbling up inside.

I was crying so much on my drive tonight that I had to pull over and calm down. As I got back on the road, the tears started coming again and I just got so mad and this scream came out of me. It came from somewhere I've never been before. It was a release. But I feel there is so much more.

My mom is exhausted. My dad is exhausted. And I feel useless. I just want it all to stop. I want to go back to the world before cancer. But there's no going back. I know we have to keep going forward. But tonight, I just am lonely and sad and scared and angry.

I'm not giving up hope. But maybe a little, I'm giving in to the reality that I am a human being and I can only hold it together for so long. And maybe this is just the right time to let it go. When I'm alone. Although what I wouldn't give for some supportive arms around me right now.

So, I go back to cleaning until my body says it's time to rest. I really should get that rest. I have a busy week ahead. I should let myself take in the downtime...but I've never been very good at that.

I clean when I'm upset. I get that from my mom. My house should be in great shape by the time this weekend is over.