Day 6: Contemplation

So, I've been thinking I shouldn't have named my blog what I did. When I first created it, I had the time frame of 3 months in my head. But now mom is doing treatment. But I guess all of life is small goodbyes isn't it? So, I'll leave it as it is, but as of day 6, I'm feeling a bit more hopeful. Sort of. The problem is that when I feel hopeful, the other side of my brain says, "Don't get your hopes up". The other side of my brain says that some people don't even live as long as their prognosis. I want to kick the shit out of that side of my brain.

I want this hope. I want to have it. I want to believe that this treatment is going to work and my mom is going to be one of those people who tells her story years and years from now. I want the other stupid side of my brain to shut the hell up.

So many people are praying and thinking good thoughts for my mom. So many people are keeping hope and faith. I want to have that too. And I do. Until the other side of my brain wants to take it from me. What is that about our brains (or at least mine) that can't just look at the positive side w/o having the negative thrown in just to create havoc?

I'm obviously still a work in progress. But I am definitely going to keep working on it.

Of course, having one of the books I ordered show up today didn't help anything. I couldn't get through the introduction page. I'm not ready to be a motherless daughter so my mom is just going to have to deal with that and hang around for a lot longer. We always used to joke that she'd live past 100 just to drive me crazy. I want that. I want her to drive me crazy. I want to drive her crazy. I want 27 more years of our up and down relationship. I just want her HERE!

I was supposed to have the rest of the week off from teaching, but was asked to sub tonight. I REALLY didn't want to go. But I don't know how to say no, and I was fully capable of teaching so I wouldn't have said no anyway. I figured that God was telling me that I needed to get out of the house and do what I'm good at. And so I did. And I did it well. And I'm amazed that I can still function when my brain would just like me to curl up in a corner. We humans are something else. And perhaps I truly am stronger than I think I am.

I've been in touch with some of my aunts and uncles. That feels good. I need to reconnect with family right now. My life has been in such turmoil the past couple of years that I've kind of retreated to my own little world. But now it's time to open up the doors again and re-enter the rest of the world. Stronger and wiser than before.

Out of bad things...good can be found. I've learned a lot about myself in the past 6 days. I've reconnected with family. And I've felt an enormous amount of support and love. That is what is carrying me through the bad...and hoping on the other side of that is some more incredible GOOD!!

I am hopeful tonight and I believe this treatment is going to work and that my mom is going to be around a lot longer than the doctors say she will! So, take THAT negative side of my brain! Tonight the positive side wins out! And we'll continue to just take it one day at a time.