Day 3: Baby Steps

I wonder if those of you who have been here before can let me know if some days you were just so cried out that you literally had no tears left.

That's how I feel today.

I saw my Mom today. She seems to have aged overnight. But strangely I didn't fall apart like I had expected. I never even felt close to crying. And we talked about a lot. And my dad talked a lot! It's so odd...3 years ago, I thought I was losing my dad. Then we got his Parkinson's diagnosis and he started medication and he became Dad again. But this is the first time I've really felt like he was the dad I grew up with. He's protective of mom and he seems very in control. My mom has been taking care of him for so long, I'd gotten used to that. But he's making sure to take care of himself and he seems to be really on top of looking out for my mom. That certainly made me feel better about having to leave them today. Although leaving was really, really hard.

My mom looks fragile to me. I'm not used to that. My mom has always been tough. In fact I grew up pretty afraid of her. I just never wanted her wrath. :-O

I talked to her about telling me her life story. She kind of laughed about it and said she doesn't know how much she remembers. Then my dad piped in and said that he had been wanting to do that with his parents before they died and regrets that he didn't. I think my mom was just embarrassed by the idea of someone wanting to hear her story, but I think she's willing to do it and I'm very happy about that.

The good news is that she has decided to try treatment and if it becomes too much for her then she'll stop. But I'm SO happy she's going to at least attempt it!

The bad news is that I really think the cancer has spread further than any of us want to admit. I have a serious concern that it is in her brain. She told me that she stopped being able to type a little while back. She can't remember the keyboard. And she can't write anymore either. She forgets how to write the letters. And my mom has always been a letter writer. Something is off in her brain and I'm concerned it's the cancer. She had a Cat Scan last week in the hospital but her doctor told her he wanted to do another. I told her she needed to ask why and she needed to let them know about the stuff that is happening to her. Although, my guess, and it's a pure guess on my part, is that her doctor already knows that this has spread and just wants another Cat Scan to confirm. My mom's oldest sister died of brain cancer so maybe it's just something I'm speculating on and it won't come to pass.

What I do know is that her abdominal cavity is filled with cancer cells. And that's not good. All her internal organs are floating in cancer filled fluid. She's going to need to have her stomach drained probably twice a week. She doesn't want to go back to the hospital because they treated her so poorly. I promised her we wouldn't leave her alone and dad agreed. The chemo will be at the cancer center and she feels comfortable there.

There were sad random moments today. My dad is wanting to start giving me stuff. I'm not ready to start cleaning out their house. My mom made mention of being a bad mom and repeated what I've heard throughout my life...that she should never have had children. That still kind of stings. But I really believe she feels she was a bad mom and I don't feel that way. I think she did the best she could with the resources she had. There are bad moms out there. My mom isn't one of them. It makes me sad that she's still being so hard on herself.

But there was also quite of bit of laughter today. And I was glad that my boys were able to spend some time with both my parents.

Tomorrow my mom calls her doctor to let her know she'd like to attempt treatment. A plan of action will be set from there. I expect I'll be making another trip or two up north this week. Next Saturday I'm taking her up to my brother and SILs to be able to see my SILs 3D ultrasound. She's never been able to see anything like that before so it should be special for her.

I still feel weird that no tears have fallen today. I feel nowhere near acceptance. But maybe I just used up all my tears the last couple of days and they need to regenerate. ;-)

What I know is that I'm exhausted, physically and emotionally. If I'm not up North on Tuesday, I have an appt with my own ND to get myself all supplemented up so my nervous and immune systems are working well and can support me through whatever is to come.

My mom told me today that she'd like to see Christmas again. That gave me hope. I'd like that too! And hope and a positive attitude is a good thing right now.

One foot in front of the other...continuing to move forward.