Day 1: Cancer

Today I learned that my mom has cancer. And as we do in the 21st century, I've decided that I'm going to blog my journey through this. Because this is what I do. I share. Somehow it helps it all stop rotating around and around in my head over and over. Well...maybe a little anyway. And right now it gives me something to do...a way to process...slowly...instead of huddled in a corner in tears.

But this obviously isn't all about me.

It's about my mom first of all, and my dad. They've been married 50 years and have known each other since they were infants. They grew up across the street from each other in a small logging town in Central Washington. They've known each other for 73 years!

This is about my two boys (ages 10 & 7) and the first great loss they are going to experience in their lives.

This is about my brother and his wife and their 2 year old son and their baby that is due in 2 months.

This is about my aunts and uncles.

This is about my mom's friends.

I guess this blog is for all of us that love this woman who is dying. It is for us. And it is a tribute to my mom. To Nancy.

And perhaps someone else will read it who is going through something similar or who has been here and stories will be shared.

For as in many mother/daughter relationships, our has had it's ups and downs. But I'm not ready to lose my mom. And I have no choice in any of this. But I do have the power in how I choose to handle it. And my goal is to find my mom as we say our good-byes over whatever time we have left. I intend to get my mom's story. In her own words. Although I hate this cancer that is taking my mom, I do believe I have been given the gift of even a little time left with her to find out all I can about who she truly is. In doing this, I will also find out more of who I am. I want to learn about the woman who is Nancy. Not just the mom. Because in being a mom myself, I know there is much more to me than being a mom. I should have learned all this years ago, but it's too late for regrets now. Now is the time I have and I intend to make the most of it. And as I make this journey to finding my mom, I will share bits and pieces here.

To begin the story...

I learned my mom was sick last night just before I was to begin a Childbirth Class that I was teaching. My parents called and were both on the phone. I immediately knew this wasn't good news. My dad said, "Well, we have some good news and some bad news." The good news was something simple enough and we actually chatted about it for several minutes. Then I asked, "What's the bad news?" That's when my dad said, "Well, it's really bad." My mom started to cry and told my dad he needed to tell me.

He explained that my mom had been in the hospital for 2 days (sigh...my parents were raised in a generation that doesn't tell their kids when they are sick or in the hospital). She awoke with abdominal bloating on Tuesday, was admitted to the hospital and had a tumor removed from her liver. There wasn't a diagnosis yet on Thursday night, but they were scheduled to see an Oncologist today so the assumption was cancer.

And today at 4:00pm, I called to get an update. My dad told me that things weren't great. My mom got on the phone and my dad proceeded to tell me that it was indeed cancer and if my mom chose treatment (chemo), she was given a year to live. I asked what the prognosis was without treatment and he told me 3 months.

I have never had a reaction to anything like I did those words: "three months". I dropped to the floor in honest physical and emotional pain. I sobbed. My mom cried too and said she was sorry. I asked her why she was saying she was sorry. She had done nothing wrong. But as a mother, I know that she must have been sad to hear me so sad and wished she could fix it, all the while dealing with her own sadness.

I'm 39 years old. I'll be 40 next month. I didn't expect to lose my parents yet. Granted, they are in their early 70s, but they still seem too young. I am NOT ready for this. And I am angry, so damn angry, that this is happening. And I'm scared and incredibly sad and lost and vulnerable and, at various moments, paralyzed.

So, my evening has been spent talking with friends and family. Thank God for all of them! I am so blessed with the people around me.

And now it's time to try and sleep. Last night wasn't so good. I don't expect tonight to be much better. I don't expect a lot of good night's sleep any time soon.

Tomorrow is my nephew's 2nd birthday. It is very likely the last birthday my mom will see of his, and quite possibly of any of her grandsons. Although I hope that isn't the case.

Tomorrow is Day 2 of processing this. On Sunday, I make my first of what will be many trips up to my parents' house. It's about an hour and 45 minutes away. But I am going to be spending as much time up there as I possibly can. I want every last minute with my mom. I intend to treasure every moment. I intend for us to laugh and cry. I intend for my mom to LIVE every last day she has.

And I intend to find my mom in every last little good-bye.