Easter After Your Mom Dies

I'm home from a trip north today. It was a very interesting and eye-opening Easter. It was a day when I came to understand that holidays will never be the same again.

Thanksgiving I wasn't with my dad. Christmas was simple, but still felt like Christmas with the obvious absence of my mom. But today, well today was just another day. Except it was Easter. But it wasn't.

It started like so many other holidays do now, with a trip to the cemetery. It was the first time I had a LOT of company. I was shocked by how many people were there. And yet, somehow, comforted by it at the same time.

After I arrived at dads I learned that, apparently, holidays after your mom's death involve menial chores. Today I found myself washing the inside and outside of the windows at Dad's. I didn't mind. I was happy to do it. Dad mentioned that the sunlight had been making it clear how dirty the windows were and I, strangely, enjoy washing windows. In fact, he only asked me to do a few and I ended up doing several because once you get me started, I can't stop.

But as I was doing it, I thought, "Well, this must be how holidays are after your mom dies."

Honestly, I think my mom was very happy about it. It was as though she was nearby and thanking me as those windows must have been driving her crazy! ;-)

But I realized that I really took for granted all the holidays where mom did all the work and provided big meals and we just came, enjoyed, cleaned up and went home. I know she hated cooking, but she always had a spread for holidays. Maybe she just enjoyed having us home. I really, really took it all for granted.

Dad still sees her all the time. I think he's starting to wonder if he's a little crazy because he's trying to talk himself out of what he's experiencing. But I have told him that it doesn't matter if it's real (which I want to believe it is!) or in his head, he should just enjoy it. He says the bed moves at night like she's getting in and out. And the other morning he swears he saw her clear as day getting out of bed and throwing on her clothes like she had stayed too long and then she ran off and disappeared. I love the stories. I love thinking she is still nearby and coming back to take care of dad. I don't want dad to talk himself out of any of it. I don't think he's crazy...I think these visits from my mom are likely keeping him sane.

So, today...another milestone...Easter is done.

In 11 days it will be one year from the day I dropped everything and hurried up to the ER at Providence Everett to find my mom with a blood pressure of 49/27. It will be one year since I spent the night with her in the ICU watching her fade away. It will be one year from when I realized I was never getting my mom back. Not the mom who was "my" protector. For now, I had become her protector. And although I was very good in the role because I had such a good role model, I did not enjoy having to take it on. I had no warning. I was not prepared. But a year ago I learned that I had an inner strength that I didn't know I had. And prepared or not, I was up to the challenge and I would take on the role with all I had.

And my birthday is on the horizon. I was so looking forward to my birthday last year, and it was my hardest birthday ever. This year I'm dreading my birthday...so maybe it will turn out better than expected.

I didn't think Easter would bother me, but I found myself very sad leading up to the day. Last night I missed mom incredibly. And today...well, today I washed windows.

It was just more reminder of how much everything has changed. And how it will never be the same. And how foolish I was to take for granted all that I had before.

As I was packing up to leave today, the sun finally came out and shone through the front windows. Dad stopped and said, "Wow! That is wonderful!" And I swear I could feel mom nearby and for a moment, both my parents were together. And happy. Over clean windows. It was worth every minute of window washing. Easter or no Easter.

As I left, I saw so many houses with many cars parked in front. Many people gathering around an Easter dinner. And probably many people taking it for granted.

If you had that big family dinner today, remember it, honor it. And don't take the next one for granted, because you never know when it will be your last.

And you will miss them when they are gone.

And you may find yourself washing windows and realizing that holidays will never be the same again.