Reliving Memories

I just went back and re-read my blog posts from this time last year. God, that was hell. Here's the link for any of you that want to page down and see what April was like last year and this weekend specifically.

http://findingmymom.blogspot.com/2009_04_01_archive.html

Mom was in the hospital. She made it clear she was done with chemo. And I was dealing with reality. It was horrible. It was, and still is, one of the hardest things I have ever been through. 5 days of driving back and forth. 5 nights of having to leave my mom every night so I could come home and be a mom to my kids. The fear of her dying while I was gone...alone in the hospital. But she didn't. Instead she went on to have some good months, but we didn't know that then. It was terrifying.

A year ago, I spent the weekend before Olly's birthday in the hospital with my mom. Today, I pulled off a surprise party for his 30th birthday. It was fun and there was so much laughter. Last year there were so many tears.

Life does go on. That's a good thing.

It's a hard thing too.

Last year on Olly's birthday I raced home from Everett to spend the evening of his birthday at dinner with him and some friends. I was numb. I didn't feel like celebrating anything. I was hurting so deeply. This year I am awake and can feel and can enjoy his birthday.

But then comes mine. And that...in all honesty...scares the hell out of me. I would like to be numb for that one. I knew it was coming. I knew my birthday was the first of three very difficult days...my birthday, Mother's Day and mom's birthday. But it's almost here. And it's carrying some big emotions with it. I can feel them building inside of me. I would like to believe I can hold them off, but they need to come. That I have learned. The emotions are important and they need to come. Like it or not.

But for now...for today...we celebrate Olly's birthday. He stood by me last year when I dropped my life and spent 5 days with my mom. This year I was able to give him something back. And for a day, there was so much to celebrate.

Dad and I had a long talk tonight...full of tears and some laughter too. We're both still struggling a lot. But our relationship has grown immensely and I'm grateful for that. In 13 days I will have my first birthday without my mom. But my dad is still here and I am incredibly thankful for that. I can't pretend it's not my first birthday without my mom, but I won't let that overtake the fact that I still have my dad and I won't waste a birthday with him by being sad the whole day that I don't have my mom. There is a place for that sadness and I will honor that and experience it, but I won't let it take over my day. I have my dad and two beautiful boys and a man that loves me and incredible friends and extended family. I will not let my sadness overtake my joy for all that I still have.

My life has gone on. I can still laugh. I can still find joy. There is so much to be happy about in this world. Those are the things to remember when the hard days come. And they will. And they are just as important to live and experience as the good days. It's just harder to remember that when I'm living the hard days. But that's the beauty of this blog. I can come back here to remind myself of all of that in 13 short days. :-) And I'm sure I will...