Realizations

Olly and I spent the day up at dad's today. Olly got dad's new computer all hooked up so he can finally enjoy it. I'm so thankful to have a techie geek for a boyfriend. ;-)

After spending a day with dad, I realized that he is incredibly lonely and I am trying to figure out what to do about that. I get up there as often as I can. I call twice a day. But it's not enough. I wish I could convince him to get out more, but I have tried with no luck yet. I know it's only been 6 & 1/2 months. I will keep trying. But I'm more worried than I was before. I tried the no worry thing. It didn't change anything. I'm not sure what the answers are yet, but some answers need to be found.

It was a good day and hopefully dad is currently enjoying his new computer. But it was a tough day too. It always seems to be that way when I visit. It is hard to leave.

All of this is hard. It was hard when mom was sick. It was terribly hard when mom died. But it's still hard now. Nothing ever will be the same again. I suppose I already knew that, but the realization is definitely settling in. It's quite possibly always going to be hard. Or at least harder than it used to be. I suppose that's what happens when your parents start to age and you go from being just a daughter to more of a caretaker. I used to call my parents when I had questions. Now I am the one answering questions. My parents used to help me with stuff in my life. Now I help dad. It's a role reversal that came on suddenly. So, maybe I'm just still catching up. I don't mind it. I just worry. I suppose that comes with it all.

My 40th year was an interesting one. Certainly a year of more growth than many of my years. And it is ending with a lot of new realizations. Ones that I would prefer weren't necessary. But they are. I believe year 41 will hold lots of decision making.

I have a picture on my wall that says,

I Dreamed I Had an Interview with God

"What questions do you have for me?"

"What surprises you most about humankind?..."

GOD answered

"They rush to grow up and then...

Long to be children again."

That spoke to me years ago when I bought it. It speaks to me even more now.

Being a grown up really isn't all it's cracked up to be...