Days 95-99: A whole week goes by!

Wow...an entire week with no blog entry. That's a first in 99 days. And I suppose a really good thing that there is so little to talk about.

But some things have occurred this week that have reminded me of what I'm still living with right now.

First of all though...I have to say...it's day 99! I know that if I go back through blog posts I wondered about the possibility of getting to day 100. And tomorrow is it. It's really incredible. Now, I'd love to see 200, 300, a couple of years...but I suppose I shouldn't push it and just be happy with what I've been given.

On a sadder note, as I'm sure everyone knows, Farrah Fawcett died yesterday. Her death has been overshadowed by Michael Jackson's death, but for me, Farrah's death is really painful. She was so brave and fought so hard and I admire her strength so much. And yet, I have followed her story. I've read about it a lot since mom was diagnosed. I know there was a period of time when Farrah felt good. When she thought she was cured. And then things turned quickly and she went downhill very fast. That scares me.

I talk to mom and dad twice a day and every time one of them says, "Oh, something did happen today..." my heart skips a beat. Today it was the fact that their hot water heater was leaking and they were getting a new one. Which, on a side note, ticks me off. They're dealing with enough, they should just be able to having a working hot water heater...but I digress... My point being...I know my stress level is not where it was when mom was first diagnosed. It's not where it was when she was in the hospital or even where it was when she first came home. But I am constantly reminded that it is still very high. I'm not kidding myself to think this period we're in will last forever. Don't get me wrong...I'm enjoying it. But I'm still mentally bracing myself for things to turn. And my nerves are frayed. I'm trying not to live like this and it's not as though I consciously think about it minute by minute like I did when mom was in the hospital. But it's there under the surface and shows up at odd times.

Right now I feel like I'm just living on the edge. My schedule is incredibly busy. I haven't had a day off in a very long time. I find myself on the verge of tears for most of my days lately. It's not going to take much right now to set off a waterfall of tears.

I'm still capable of doing what needs to be done. I teach childbirth classes. I meet with clients. I spend hours with clients at the births of their babies. I do necessary business paperwork. I get my kids to appointments. I make breakfasts and lunches and dinners. I make trips to the vet. I wash sheets. I vacuum.

But I don't rest.

And part of me wonders if being as busy as I am is a survival technique. Maybe if I slow down I have to feel again. But, as always, I can't fight it off forever. I feel it bubbling.

I started working out again after several weeks off because I was sick and then Jonathan was sick. That's good for me. But boy do I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. That's not like me. I'm usually such a morning person. But I no longer seem to be able to quickly fall asleep at night so my body wants to sleep in. But if I don't get up early to work out, once my day begins, there is no time left. So, I argue with my body about sleep vs. working out and losing some weight. It's not an enjoyable battle most mornings.

And I'm remembering dreams. I'm not normally a person that remembers her dreams. I can probably tell you just about every dream I've ever had and remembered. But two nights ago I woke up from a nightmare. A nightmare that involved drowning. And in the morning when I could think more clearly, I couldn't help but wonder if I'm dreaming of drowning because I feel like I am.

Yet, I don't know how to fix it. I'm a single mom. I have to work. I don't have time or money for vacations. But what I wouldn't give for a day off. And yet, what would I do with it?

I have to admit I'm jealous of my friends who are traveling this summer. I'll be staying at home. I have clients due. I don't have money to go anywhere anyway. And I wouldn't leave mom and dad this year either. But the thought of escaping and just being "away" for a while sounds so luxurious. And so far away from any reality I have.

But yet again...I digress. I should be celebrating. Tomorrow is day 100! I am still stunned by that.

However, tonight on night 99, mom informs me that she told dad she doesn't think she can do the Croatian Picnic next month in Cle Elum. I was kind of surprised because she had seemed like she thought she was going to go. But she told me, kind of sheepishly, that she had a dream where she lost dad at the picnic and couldn't find him and it scared her. I told her I thought it was good she was following her gut. She said, "Do you really?" almost like a little girl. I told her I did. She asked me to tell dad that. I'm sure he's disappointed because he would probably like to go and mingle with friends and family. I think mom feels like she's letting him down, but she said he's being really good about it all. Of course he is. That's my dad. That's who he is.

My mom knows not all is right inside of her. And dad knows it too. I'd like to just sit down with him and talk to him about all that he sees. I think he probably knows more than all of us. Well, I'm sure he does. I'm curious about what is going on in his own mind. In saying that, I think I just might have to figure out how to get him alone for a bit just to see how he is doing.

I'm kind of hoping I can make it up to my parents next weekend. It will depend on my clients. But if not next weekend, then hopefully the following week when my teaching schedule is a little lighter and I can not have to worry about fighting traffic to get back in time.

I feel like life hasn't allowed time for me to be with my parents. And I feel like I'm losing precious time with mom. And that ticks me off too. I'm trying to find a balance. But, wow, it's really hard.

And therein lies my dilemma. I have kids to take care of. I have clients depending on me. I have my parents that I am taking care of in different ways. There really isn't time to take care of myself. And I know that's probably not okay. I just don't know how to fix it right now. But my body is feeling it. It's letting me know. And I'm continuing to fight it off for as long as I can.

Rest just doesn't look like it's anywhere near in my foreseeable future.

But tomorrow is day 100 and I WILL celebrate that. No matter how stressed or how tired. Tomorrow is momentous and it is definitely time for, yet another, mini celebration. Those are the things that get me through my days. One small celebration at a time.