Day 92: Hospice

Dad called me around Noon today. That's usually not a great sign. I was in an appointment at the time so couldn't answer. I checked my voicemail as soon as I left the appointment about 10 minutes later and dad was asking my advice about Hospice.

Apparently Hospice was telling them that if they wanted to keep their services, they needed to have a nurse visit at least every other week. I hadn't realized that the Hospice visits had stopped all together. Dad was concerned about not being under Hospice care and I agreed. Although mom seems to be doing a lot better, it's only been 2 months since she has been out of the hospital. If, 6 months from now, she's still the same as she is today, then I'd say it would be definitely worth reassessing Hospice, but right now it gives dad a 24/7 hotline number to call if anything thing should change. And having a nurse come by once a week or once every other week should keep on top of any changes in mom's physical health.

So, that's the plan for now. I'm glad dad called me. And I'm glad mom and dad feel like they can talk to me about stuff like this and trust me enough to ask my advice. We've come a long way from March when mom spent 3 days in the hospital and I didn't even know it.

It's amazing how much of a panic I am thrown into when I get a call from mom and dad in the middle of the day. I wanted to just run out of my appointment and take their call, but I knew I only had about 10 minutes to go. Nonetheless, I don't remember much about those last 10 minutes.

I'm having one of those overwhelmed 40 year old days. I'm extra concerned about mom today for some reason, I've had a sick kid all week who doesn't seem to be improving and we've been to the doctor 3 out of the last 5 days, I have a client that is 5 days past her due date and will go any minute, I was supposed to go see RENT tomorrow but that doesn't look like it's going to happen and I have to admit I'm feeling incredibly low and maybe a little sorry for myself.

I never plan things for myself. I never make plans. Partly because I don't have the money to do it, partly because I'm a mom and my kids come first, partly because I'm a Doula and never know when I'll be birthing. I just rarely plan anything fun like this. But RENT has a lot of meaning for Olly and I and so I splurged and bought us tickets for tomorrow's showing knowing that the boys would be with their dad for Father's Day weekend and confident that my client would have already had her baby since she was right on time with her first.

But here I am...with a very sick kid who isn't going to his dad's tonight. We'll reassess tomorrow, but unless something improves I'm not sure he'll be there then either. And even if he does, my client could be in labor. The chances of making RENT are slim.

Don't get me wrong, I'd rather be home with my sick little guy than to have him be away from me. But I'm just kind of ticked off that the ONE time I plan something for me, it falls apart like this. It's kind of like mom's birthday and I was sick. And I'm not sure I'm going to make it up to mom and dad's this weekend for Father's Day either. And I guess I'm just mad and sad and frustrated and worried and not understanding life much right now.

And I'm sure I'll look back on this and think, "Wow...pity party" But right now, I'm having one. This has been an incredibly long 3 months. Was it really that wrong to want something for me? Just once? I know I'm a caregiver. That's my role in life. I've known that for years. And I'm good at. But does that mean I never get anything for myself? Why can't I give myself a little care? Why when I try does it get taken away from me?

And why is my little guy not getting well? Why can't my mom write her name? I just don't get any of it. I know I should be thankful for how good things are right now. I do understand that, but I feel like there is a constant concern looming in the back of my head and when stuff like this is added on...I just don't know what to do. So, I'm going to shut up now and go back to my private pity party and return you all to your normal lives. Thanks for sharing a moment with me. I'm sure by this time next week, all we be returned to status quo.