Days 83 - 85: Life

So, I have found myself living my old life again...except for the fact that I call my parents once every morning and once every night. It's still an odd parallel world though. Sometime it is surreal and almost dream-like.

My body finally decided that urgency in my life had passed and I have spent the past 3 weeks sicker than I have been in a long time. And it keeps resurfacing, reminding me it's still there and that it has my immune system under lock and key. Thank goodness for my amazing Naturopath and Chiropractor. I think I'd be prone in bed without them.

This week was tough though. On Sunday, as you probably know, I missed mom's birthday. On Monday I started recovering. On Tuesday I felt better, but had a terrible cough and had to teach a 3 hour class. It was a challenge. On Wednesday I felt worse again and had to teach again that night. That class was only 2 hours, but tougher than the night before. Yesterday, still feeling crummy, I had another 2 hour class to teach which I survived, but boy was my body pretty much done with me. I came home, crawled into bed at 10:30pm looking forward to some rest. And then at Midnight, I received a text from one of my clients. Looked like it was time to do a birth.

I got home around 10am today after an incredible, albeit all night, birth. I drove home exhausted, but feeling very alive. I stress out over my job...when will I be gone...will I have childcare...how long will I be gone...how will the birth go for my clients...etc., etc., etc. I often think it's time for a new career. And then I have a birth like this morning. And the world looks happier and seems a better place. I opened my sun roof, still struggling with a sinus infection, and BREATHED. I felt the June air fill my lungs (or the pockets it still has available...;-)). It felt good and filled me with life. And I thanked God for the blessing of a new little life.

And as miserable as I was feeling, I had an incredibly gratitude come over me for the fact that I was able to call my mom before I left the birth center this morning and tell her about my night.

I hate my mom's cancer. I hate that I can't look at her or talk to her without imagining cancer cells just wandering about inside of her trying to take her life. I hate it. But....as odd as it is...it has given me an incredible gift. The gift of seeing life through new eyes.

I have always seen the joy in my clients' faces as they welcome their baby into the world. This morning it was different. It was the joy of an entire family. It was a new, bigger, family and so many people were there to welcome this new little girl.

Today, I also visited my clients who had their baby on 5/31. They are SO happy in their new family of three. They are already incredible parents. The joy they shared with me gave me chills.

Family. It means different things to different people. But for me, it is home. I don't have a perfect family, but show me someone that does. What I have is two parents that love me. I have an incredible brother and sister-in-law and two gorgeous nephews that I don't see enough. I have two amazing young boys who are growing up MUCH too fast. I have a man in life who loves me in a way I've never been loved. Your family is who knows you. I don't remember being 2 years old, but my parents still remember things about me as a 2 year old. They hold my history in their hearts. I will do the same for my boys.

The circle of life is an amazing, difficult, joyous ride.

This week I was also reconnected with a dear friend who I haven't spoken to in years. I learned that she has been fighting breast cancer for nearly a year. I read much of her blog that she has been keeping in that time and tears poured down my face. And yet, I felt alive. I felt the life in her spirit as well as she battles this disease that has touched my life so much recently. I felt connected on a level on which I wish we weren't connected, but somehow is still so powerful.

Today I felt connected to life. Today I was there as a new life was welcomed into the world. Today I was thankful for the fact that I am on day 85 of this blog and I'm able to talk to my mom every morning and every night.

I felt life fill me up today. And it felt good. I am running on an hour and a half of sleep and a sinus infection. But today I felt alive. Today I reveled in the lives of others. Today I feel so incredibly blessed for this crazy, ridiculous, difficult, maddening, powerful, joyous life I have been given. And although I would do just about anything to go back to my world without cancer, somehow, somewhere, I have that diagnosis to thank for all of this. That is confusing to my rational brain. But in the face of terrible disaster, there is always hope. There is always a light. There is always a new beginning if we choose to take it. And as my mom continues to do well, I have embraced that new beginning and that light. I hope I can continue to embrace it as I continue to walk this windy path on which I am traveling.