It's only been a little over a week since I last posted, but that week has held numerous moments.
The Saturday after Christmas, Olly and I pulled out all the Christmas stuff and put up our tree. I was feeling good about it. It felt right. And then I opened a box. A box I wasn't prepared for. A box I hadn't even considered. It was a box that contained many different things that my mom had given me over the years. And it paralyzed me. I couldn't move. I couldn't pick them up. I couldn't touch them. I just cried. For about 15 minutes, I cried. I knew what was in every box and I remembered receiving them all from my mom, but I had forgotten about them, and to see them staring me in the face took my breath away.
And then I moved forward. I took out each item, one at a time and had tears over each of them. I held them and I touched them and I felt close to my mom.
Sunday, we made a trip up to see Dad. On the way, we heard the story on the radio of the 4 Lakewood police officers that were killed. It was devastating.
I stopped and put some fresh flowers at the cemetery. That's not easier yet, but I suppose I shouldn't expect it to be.
When we were up at dad's, I asked him, in sort of a round-about way what he was thinking about decorating for Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised that he said he felt like he wanted to put up the tree. He said he knew mom would want that. So, Olly and I and dad put up the tree. I was so glad it was there. I put out all of mom's snow globes...many of them I had purchased for her.
I cleaned both dad's bathrooms and we got the sheets washed and changed on his bed. And then getting up the Christmas tree...well, it was a productive day. I hope to get back up there this Sunday. It will be the two month anniversary of mom's death. Two months. In some ways it seems so much longer and in some ways it feels like yesterday.
The other thing I did last week was attend a hospice loss support group. And what I learned from that was that I'm either better or worse than I thought I was. I haven't quite determined it. But I couldn't really wait to get out of there. It wasn't bad. It was actually a wonderful group. But I didn't feel that it was helpful to be in a group of people who are all grieving. It felt like SO much. It felt bigger. I can only handle my grief right now. Listening to others felt too much. Maybe with all the attention over the loss of the Lakewood officers and then the group...I don't know...I just know it was too much. So, I'm not going back...at least not right now. I feel good about that choice and glad I made it. I really thought the support group would be helpful, but it just wasn't right for me at this time. Maybe later...
As I was typing this, I broke out in tears. The rehashing of things apparently struck a nerve. I took a break and checked my e-mail. There was a message from one of my dad's friends. His wife was close friends with my mom and she died shortly before my mom after a very quick battle with pancreatic cancer. He has been doing a good job taking care of my dad and is a great support for him as someone who truly understands what he is going through. He simply sent a quick note to my brother and me which was so sweet. He included a poem that had helped him. I, of course, cried as I read through it. But it's beautiful. And it's how I'll end things here today.
IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME
If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready, in heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each day is the same way, there's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.
The Saturday after Christmas, Olly and I pulled out all the Christmas stuff and put up our tree. I was feeling good about it. It felt right. And then I opened a box. A box I wasn't prepared for. A box I hadn't even considered. It was a box that contained many different things that my mom had given me over the years. And it paralyzed me. I couldn't move. I couldn't pick them up. I couldn't touch them. I just cried. For about 15 minutes, I cried. I knew what was in every box and I remembered receiving them all from my mom, but I had forgotten about them, and to see them staring me in the face took my breath away.
And then I moved forward. I took out each item, one at a time and had tears over each of them. I held them and I touched them and I felt close to my mom.
Sunday, we made a trip up to see Dad. On the way, we heard the story on the radio of the 4 Lakewood police officers that were killed. It was devastating.
I stopped and put some fresh flowers at the cemetery. That's not easier yet, but I suppose I shouldn't expect it to be.
When we were up at dad's, I asked him, in sort of a round-about way what he was thinking about decorating for Christmas. I was pleasantly surprised that he said he felt like he wanted to put up the tree. He said he knew mom would want that. So, Olly and I and dad put up the tree. I was so glad it was there. I put out all of mom's snow globes...many of them I had purchased for her.
I cleaned both dad's bathrooms and we got the sheets washed and changed on his bed. And then getting up the Christmas tree...well, it was a productive day. I hope to get back up there this Sunday. It will be the two month anniversary of mom's death. Two months. In some ways it seems so much longer and in some ways it feels like yesterday.
The other thing I did last week was attend a hospice loss support group. And what I learned from that was that I'm either better or worse than I thought I was. I haven't quite determined it. But I couldn't really wait to get out of there. It wasn't bad. It was actually a wonderful group. But I didn't feel that it was helpful to be in a group of people who are all grieving. It felt like SO much. It felt bigger. I can only handle my grief right now. Listening to others felt too much. Maybe with all the attention over the loss of the Lakewood officers and then the group...I don't know...I just know it was too much. So, I'm not going back...at least not right now. I feel good about that choice and glad I made it. I really thought the support group would be helpful, but it just wasn't right for me at this time. Maybe later...
As I was typing this, I broke out in tears. The rehashing of things apparently struck a nerve. I took a break and checked my e-mail. There was a message from one of my dad's friends. His wife was close friends with my mom and she died shortly before my mom after a very quick battle with pancreatic cancer. He has been doing a good job taking care of my dad and is a great support for him as someone who truly understands what he is going through. He simply sent a quick note to my brother and me which was so sweet. He included a poem that had helped him. I, of course, cried as I read through it. But it's beautiful. And it's how I'll end things here today.
IF TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME
If tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
While thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
And said my place was ready, in heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, tear fell from my eye,
For all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do,
It seemed almost impossible, that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all that we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while,
I'd say good-bye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized, that this could never be,
For emptiness and memories, would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss some tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you."
Today your life on earth is past, but here life starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
And since each day is the same way, there's no longing for the past.
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
For every time you think of me, I'm right here, in your heart.
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