First Holiday

I survived Thanksgiving.

Today I am incredibly thankful for that fact.

The build up to Thanksgiving was long and painful.

Wounds were opened and I felt raw and vulnerable.

But I survived.

I felt quite often that I had so little to be thankful for this year. It's the year I lost my mom. How do you find things to be thankful for when that is the overwhelming theme of your year? But I made a mental list yesterday and I learned that, yes, my mom died this year and that is painful but my list of thankfulness includes:

* My children. God, how I love those boys. I have no idea how my life ever existed without them. Their laughter is contagious and makes me smile every day. They are quirky and loving and funny and smart and inquisitive and give meaning to my life. I am so thankful I have the honor of being their mother.

* Olly. Never in my life could I have imagined being a divorced mom. I never wanted that for my children. But I have found through the journey of divorce and finding myself, that I deserve to be loved wholly. Olly has helped me understand that. And he doesn't love just me. He loves my boys too. That is such a gift. He has stood by me this year, literally and figuratively while I lost my mom. He has never complained about the fact that I have often been distant or not fully present. He has accepted my grieving for the past 6 weeks and has quietly been there for me, sometimes holding me up when I wanted to crumble. I am so thankful that he is part of my life.

* My dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, my aunts and uncles, my cousins. Although I am incredibly sad that my mom is gone, I am so thankful I still have my dad. And I am thankful for the new relationship he and I have established over the past year. It is closer than it has ever been. Mom's illness and death has also strengthened my relationship with my brother. We are two different people and have grieved and mourned differently, but we are the only two people in the world that can understand what it is like to lose OUR mom. And my sister-in-law and I have become so much closer. We talk more often than we had in the past. She was a blessing to my brother and our family throughout this past year. She also is mourning the loss of her mother-in-law...all the while raising two little boys...one of whom she gave birth to during my mom's illness. She is amazing to me and I'm so glad she is my sister-in-law. I spent the holiday at Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill's house. I can't explain how much that meant that they invited my little family of 5 to invade their home and celebrate the holiday with them. I couldn't be with dad and Michael and was a little sad I wouldn't have more family around on Thanksgiving. But then Aunt Linda invited us and yesterday held so much laughter. It was exactly what I needed. I found myself sad at times and missing my mom, but I also felt surrounded by family and that was such great comfort. I feel like in the loss of my mom, I have had the opportunity to reconnect with family that I had been away from for so long. I love my e-mail exchanges with Aunt Judy. They give me insight into who she is as a person, and they give me more insight into who my mom was and they give me some more insight into who I am as well. They are a blessing to me. I love that I have reconnected with cousins that I haven't seen in years (Cousin Kim, we definitely need to get together SOON! I haven't forgotten! :-)). I am thankful for the amazing family I have.

* Friends. Wow, I have an incredible group of friends who I have learned will do anything for me. They have listened to me this entire year. They have hurt for me. They have wanted to ease my pain, knowing that sometimes they just couldn't. They have stood back when they needed to stand back and they have surrounded me with their arms, literally and figuratively when I needed it the most. They have learned that I don't ask for help, so they have just offered it. They have just given it, somehow knowing what I needed the most. I am so thankful for their friendship and love.

* Hospice. There is no way a list of what I'm thankful for this year could not include Hospice. What they gave my family was invaluable this year. That organization is incredible. If you are looking for some place to donate money this holiday season, please, please consider your local Hospice organization. The gifts they give to families are incredible and I am so thankful they were there for my mom and my dad and my brother and I this year and continue to be there for us.

* My work. I have the greatest job ever. I have been given the gift of coming into people's lives during one of the most amazing times. I have met so many wonderful couples through my childbirth classes and my clients. And many of them have offered me reciprocal support during the loss of my mom. That was hard for me to accept because I am supposed to be their support. But they have reminded me that we are all here on this earth together and giving and receiving support is important to us all. I am so blessed to have the greatest job on earth. A job that sustained me financially but also emotionally and spiritually through the loss of my mom. Since my mom's diagnosis, I was a personal witness to the birth of 16 babies. I still have one more to go this year. And I have several clients into the new year with whom I have been sharing their pregnancies and their ups and downs. What an incredible job I have. I received the news that my mom had cancer 10 minutes before the start of a childbirth class back in March. I somehow taught that class. And I was able to do it because I love what I do. I have taught many more childbirth class series' and newborn classes and postpartum classes and breastfeeding classes since then. Sometimes I felt I have taught while I was numb. There were nights I rushed home from the hospital in Everett in order to run in and teach a class. I had to flip a lot of switches in my brain from my mom to my classes, to my clients. But I was able to do it because I connect with my classes. I connect with my clients. I truly care about each one of them. And I am blessed to do what I do. I am so thankful for the amazing career that I have. It has sustained me in more ways than I could possibly explain.

* School. Okay, maybe I'm not thankful for it every day. But I am thankful that I have found a way to pursue my educational dreams and goals that will enable me to do even more work that I love in the future.

* Random acts of kindness. From my dad's next door neighbors who check on him and bring him food, to the president of his homeowner's association that checks on him and takes him to lunch, to dad's church and their support, to my co-workers and how they know exactly what to say. The kindness of random people this year has been, and continues to be, overwhelming.

* Growth. How I have grown this year. How I continue to grow. The transformation feels physical sometimes. I see the world differently. I live in a world without my mom. I hate it. But it is what I have been given and I am rising to meet this challenge. I fall sometimes. But I get back up. And that's the important part. And each time I do it, I grow some more. I hate not having my mom. But I do not hate life. If anything, I treasure it more. I am thankful for that.

* The Sun. The fact that even in November, the sun finds a way to shine now and then (like right now) continues to remind me that the world continues to rotate. The sun will come up again tomorrow even on the darkest of nights. I am so thankful for that enormous star in the sky.

* Starbucks. Okay...a little humor...but boy have I been thankful for them this long, exhausting year. :-)

A week ago, I was sad and feeling sorry for myself. Today, I am still missing my mom. As I made a big Thanksgiving breakfast yesterday I couldn't stop picturing my mom on holidays making us a big breakfast. I LOVED those breakfasts. The smell in my house took me back to being a young girl and many tears flowed over bacon and sausage yesterday morning.

But in my moments of pause, I realized how much I have to be thankful for this year. It was, most definitely, the hardest year of my life. And yet, there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for. And for me, there is so much. I will never, ever stop missing my mom. Ever. But my life has to go on without her. I have much grieving to do. But I do it surrounded by friends, family and love. How could someone not be thankful for all that I have?

I hope you all were able to celebrate and give thanks for all that you have in your life as well.

I survived my first major holiday without my mom. I have a couple more big ones following right in line. I am not looking forward to them. I know they will be hard. But I will face them head on. And I will survive them too. And I will continue to give thanks for all that I have.