Christmas survived...almost

I didn't think Christmas was going to bother me as much as it did. I don't know why.

And it didn't bother me in the way where I desperately missed mom. I just wanted the holiday over. I just needed it to be done.

I had a good day. We had a great breakfast up at dads with Michael and Kiersten and my adorable nephews. There were smiles and laughter.

But there was a part of me that just needed it to be over. It's like living in a parallel universe where we all just go on with our lives, but the other side of us knows there is a visible absence.

I stopped at the cemetery on the way up early on Christmas morning. Olly and the boys stayed in the car. I just wanted to tell mom Merry Christmas. And I did. And I sobbed. Again. I was surprised by the reaction, just as I always am. It's silly really, but each time the emotions bubble up, I find myself surprised.

There were a couple of other people at the cemetery early on a Christmas morning. It felt sad. Almost as if I had joined a club I didn't know existed. The club of people who visit a cemetery on Christmas morning. And I believe that club carries a lifetime membership.

But I survived the day. I'd like for it to be over. I need for it to be over. I'd like to get all the Christmas stuff down, but for everyone else, it will stay up a little longer. And I'll survive it. It's only a few more days. I'm looking forward to it being over though. I want this Christmas behind me.

This last week of the year is usually my favorite. New Years Day has always been my favorite day. New beginnings. New hope.

2009 began with a move that took us 21 hours. It was not a fun New Years Eve. This year I'm looking forward to staying home and celebrating the entrance of 2010. Last year I really thought 2009 was going to be a great year. I was turning 40 and looking forward to it. And then in March everything changed with mom's diagnosis. There is a part of me that is terrified of what the new year will hold, but the other side of me is thinking positively and believing this year will be better than last.

There are definitely things I'm looking forward to... I am just a little afraid to get too excited. I suppose that is normal.

I have enjoyed this first week off from school. Olly and I finally went through all the boxes in the garage. Now it's just some organizing and we might actually be parking our cars there instead of just using it as storage! :-O And I finished all my financial paperwork that I really fell behind once mom got sick. It has been a productive week. Productive feels good.

So, I survived Christmas. Dad's birthday is next. I know that will be a hard one for him. But we'll all be there to help him through. I'd like to get him to the cemetery soon. I think that would be good for him. I think I've got an edge on Michael and Dad because I visit mom fairly often and it's hard and cathartic at the same time. They don't get that sort of therapy.

2009 is nearly gone. It will always be the year I lost my mom. But I'm ready to let the year go. I'm ready for a new year. I'm ready to keep moving forward.

Just gotta get that Christmas tree down...