2 steps forward, one step back

I really feel like I'm doing well most days.

Then I have a moment when I realize what seems like a long time has ONLY been 2 months. And there is much work to do.

I made it up to see dad yesterday. I stopped at the cemetery at 8am. It was quiet and the sun had just come up. I brought my mom her poinsettia leaves for the holiday. As I pulled up and parked, the tears started coming. I walked the path to where she is and they started flowing. I placed the poinsettia leaves in her vase and touched her name and was sobbing. I stayed that way for about a half hour.

It was the first time I have visited the cemetery alone and perhaps the first time I've been able to just let go and not try to hold it together for someone else. I was surprised by my emotions. But looking back, I probably shouldn't have been. It was a good release that had probably been a long time in coming.

I had a hard time leaving which has never happened before either. I felt like I was leaving her alone, even though I know she is not truly there. It's just the one place where I feel closest to her...although I do feel she is with me often. But this was my time alone with her with no one else around and I didn't want to let it go.

I finally said my good-byes to mom and headed north to dads. I spent about 4 1/2 hours up there just talking with dad. We did a lot of reminiscing. It was really our first time alone since shortly after mom died and I think it was good for us too. We talked a lot about the day mom died. It was good for both of us being that we were the only 2 people there, we are the only two people that understand what it was like for the other one.

Dad has also put together a Christmas letter. As Christmas cards started to come in this month, it became obvious that there are people that don't know about mom's death. So, dad put together a lovely, but heartbreaking letter that he is going to send out with some cards. Lots of tears flowed as I read it.

More tears flowed as I was able to see their high school alumni newspaper and it's tribute to mom. It was incredible and beautiful and heartbreaking too.

It was a day full of many tears, but also laughter and smiles.

We are surviving. We are moving forward. But as we take those steps forward, there are still many steps back that need to be taken. I've decided that's okay and to be expected.

Christmas is in 5 days. The weather looks like it should be nice. Dad and Michael and I will survive it. It will be different. It will be hard. Mom will be noticeably absent. But we will laugh and we will smile and we will celebrate Christmas through the eyes of mom's four grandsons. And I know she will be looking down on us and smiling with us.