2 Months

Two Months

In some ways it seems so much longer and in some ways it seems like yesterday.

I am incredibly disappointed that I won't be able to make it to the cemetery today, but the weather report is looking questionable for snow and I'm not wanting to chance it. Of course, if I don't go, there will be no snow, but if I do, then I'll get stuck somewhere. Seattle area snow is not an exact science and whenever it is in the forecast we never actually know how it will play out. I've been stuck in snow more than once and I would rather it not happen again. Dad is having some flurries this morning which tells me that something could manifest itself.

So, I am staying home and working on my last week of school work before I have 3 weeks off. I am looking forward to those 3 weeks. No clients due, no school work to be done. It is the first time I will have had off like that in a very long time. Although I'll admit there is a part of me that wonders if not having things to occupy my mind will allow me more time to think about things that maybe I don't want to think about. Thankfully I still have some classes to teach. And I know that right after those three weeks are over, things will pick up quickly with school and clients. I've got several births that I'm looking forward to attending in January and February. With births and a tough term coming up, I will have plenty to keep me busy for the remainder of the winter. :-)

I miss my mom every day. But the tears don't come as often. Although on Friday, dad told me he got their high school class newspaper that one of their class members publishes. This issue was 11 pages and 4 full pages were devoted to mom. I fell apart as he read me some of it. He and I cried together. Just when we think we're all doing better something like this comes up and reminds us we all have a lot of work to do.

I will make it up to the cemetery next weekend and will go visit dad. I'm going to buy a poinsettia and cut off a few leaves for mom. She loved poinsettias.

I know she understands why I'm not there today. And I know I don't have to be at the cemetery to mark this day. But I still feel sad about it.

I think it's finally set in that my mom is gone. I've lived 2 months of my life without her. But it's amazing how much you can miss someone. Every event that occurs without her is different and it's so obvious she is missing. We survived Thanksgiving, but now it's Christmas and then dad's birthday and Christopher's birthday all back to back. Her absence will be visible. And as I sit here, the tears still flow.

I've accepted that she is gone, I just don't have to like it.

But I'm moving forward. This term at school has seemed even harder than last term which has been surprising for me. But when I get tired of it all, I push through because I know how proud mom was and I am determined to complete this for both of us.

I am surviving without my mom in this world. I still laugh and smile. But there is a hole in my heart that will never heal. I will carry it for the rest of my life. And that's the way it should be when you lose your mom. It doesn't stop me from living, but it definitely changes my life. I believe I quoted this before, but Patti LaBelle said, "A girl never really becomes a woman until she loses her mother". I really feel this these days. I grew up, I moved out, I became a wife and mother. But somewhere I was always my mother's daughter. When I was sick, I called my mom because no one can make you feel better like your mom can. I can't do that anymore.

When you lose your mom, it transforms you. I'm sure I was a woman before, but not the woman I am today. Not the woman who now walks the world without my mother. I feel stronger internally and externally. I feel I have to be that way because my ultimate protector is gone. It's as though I have developed armor. Not in a way where I am protecting myself from people, but in a way where I am just stronger because my mom's loving arms that used to surround me are no longer there. I have had to develop a replacement. Because without that protection the world seems a harder place. When mom was dying and then right after she died, I felt so weak and powerless and unprotected. It's a hard feeling to explain, but I felt sort of raw and lost in the world. When I look back it was as though someone could have touched me and I would have just crumbled into dust. Over the past couple of months, this armor has surfaced. It isn't armor that makes me hard. It's just that protective cover that used to be from my mom. I feel wiser and I see the world differently. It's not a good or bad different. It's just different.

I know I can live without my mom. That's empowering. But that doesn't mean it's not sad and hard a lot of times. But every day is a new day. There is still good in the world. Amazing things still happen. I just wish my mom was here so I could share those things with her. But I know she sees me. I know she is still with me. I know, in some way, she does still have her protective arms around me...and maybe that's my armor now...it's still my mom...just differently. I don't know. But I know that when I cry, she cries with me and hurts for me. And when I move forward and I live and smile and I laugh, she smiles and is happy for me.

And that will never change. That I will have for the rest of my life. It's a different relationship. But somehow, I still have a relationship with my mom. I would like my old one back, but I no longer have dreams of that actually happening. I know she is physically gone, but I don't think my mom can fully ever leave me. I have a hole in my heart, but somehow I carry my mom there. She is always with me. The stronger me, the wiser me, the new woman I am. She is there...somewhere.

I've learned a lot in two months. I wish I hadn't had to learn it all. But life is all about learning and growing and we have to take what we are given.

I miss my mom in ways that are too hard to even describe. But I am living without her. Some days I really hate it. But on more days now, I understand it and I know I have to move forward without her. It's what she would want. It's the way she raised me. It's me becoming a woman in this world living without my mother. I am not the first one to do it and will not be the last. It's a journey we all take if life works the way it's supposed to. Some have had to do it at a much younger age than myself. Some get many more years with their mothers. But we all have to walk this road sooner or later. Our choices are to let it stop us in our tracks or get up and keep moving forward. I'm glad I've chosen the latter. It's not always easy, but nothing truly worth doing or having is ever easy.

Two Months. I miss you mom. But thank you for giving me the upbringing you did that enables me to grow and be strong and to live in this world without you.