Days go on

The human spirit is an amazing thing. In the face of great sadness, it just keeps going. I know I've said this before, but it's still surprising to me. If you had asked me 5 years ago, how I would do without my mom in this world, I would have told you I couldn't survive. I had imagined the idea of losing my parents and the idea itself would make me crumble.

But here I am now, having lived without my mom for 21 days and I'm okay. I am living my life. I am moving forward. I have found it is possible to live without a mom physically present.

I don't like it. I get mad. I get sad. But I am doing it.

I have to think that all I have been through in the past 5 years was preparation for this time of my life. I am a much different woman than I was 5 years ago. I am stronger. I am smarter. I was living in a sad world where I had lost myself. I believe I clung to my mom so deeply back then because I needed "my mommy". I needed protection, even though I didn't understand it at the time. I needed the one person who loved me unconditionally. I had lost so much of myself. She was my connection to who I was somewhere deep inside of me.

And then the world turned on its end and I had to grow and change. I didn't prepare mom for that. She was thrown. Neither of us saw it coming, but I think I felt it from deep within. I should have warned her. But I didn't. And so, she had to come to terms with the new me. And it wasn't easy for either of us.

But these days I can't help but wonder if all of that was necessary so I could survive now. I was able to become a woman who still needed her mom, but had grown enough that I could survive without her.

I don't want to though. I really don't. I was walking to the mailbox today and it hit me out of the blue, like it tends to do... my mom is gone. I'm 40 years old and everything I deal with for the rest of my life will have to be dealt with without my mom. I hate that.

And yet, I know I can do it.

I just wish she was still here.

I got my first term grades last week. 97.4 in Astronomy and 99.6 in Sociology. I HATED Astronomy. It was so much math. So many calculations. I thought it would be an easy class and it was SO hard. I wanted to drop it the first week, but I was determined to get through it. And I got an A. An A! I worked hard for that A. And I wanted to share it with mom. I sat in front of my computer and cried over that grade. I cried because I was so proud of myself. I cried because I pushed through all my doubts in that class. I cried because I wanted to call my mom and tell her.

I believe she knows. I believe she was right beside me when I got those grades. But I wanted to hear her reaction. No one can give you that feeling of immense pride and accomplishment like your mom. She was genuinely proud of me for going back to school. And I wanted to hear it. But I never will again. And so I have to settle with her words I hear in my head. I have to settle with the "feeling" I get that she is nearby so often.

The woman I was 5 years ago would have crumbled. The woman I am today has moments of crumbling and then I get back up and I go on. I feel a transformation happening that I don't have words for right now. But it is a true transformation.

I worry about my dad daily. He is so lonely. His loss is greater than anyone's. I have known my mom my entire life. But I only lived with her for 19 years. My dad has had my mom at home every day for 51 years. He's known her for 68 years. I've lost my mom. We all expect that some day. I feel like I've lost her way too early, but I knew someday I would lose her. But my dad...he's lost the love of his life. He sees her physical absence every day. He told me he was dozing in the chair in the living room and woke up and swore that mom was sitting in her chair next to him. He blinked his eyes and she was gone. But I told him to maybe she was there. I like to believe it's true. But she can't take the lonliness away. I'm so worried about my dad. Maybe that gives me the ability to put my loss into perspective again.

My mourning will take its own path. This is another journey in my life that will ultimately transform me again. I suppose that's what life is all about. I am a survivor. I will continue to be a survivor. I will miss my mom every day, but I will keep moving forward. And I have to believe that my mom is watching and supporting me and is so very proud of the woman I have become.