Reaching out

This has been an odd couple of weeks with so many ups and downs. I think the holidays have had more of an impact than I thought they were going to have on me. I have found myself in tears at random times. I've also found myself thinking I was doing really well.

Grief is odd. And new for me. And like with many new things, you have to experience it to truly learn about it.

I teach childbirth classes. Childbirth classes are preparatory classes. That's it. I have no absolutes for people. All I can promise is that their baby is coming out. I don't know how or when or anything else really except "norms" and everyone has their own personal experience. Ultimately in order to truly understand childbirth, you have to experience it.

I feel as though hospice did their best to prepare me for the death of my mom. They gave me the preparatory information, but they had no absolutes. They could give me "norms" but, as with birth, everyone has their own experience in grief. Ultimately, in order to truly understand the process of grief, I have to experience it.

Last week I finally decided this was bigger than me and it was important to get some support. I provide support to laboring families. I spend most of my life encouraging parents to surround themselves with the support they will need both in labor and postpartum journeys I finally decided it was time to take my own advice and reach out to find support through my journey of grief.

I spoke to a local hospice bereavement counselor for about a half hour. She sent me a ton of wonderful information that I poured over. I believe I'm going to try and attend a couple of loss support groups. Just like new moms find other new moms to support them through their process of becoming a mother, I am learning that I need others experiencing grief to support me through my journey of living without my mother.

It felt good to reach out. It felt good to take my own advice. It felt empowering and as though I was taking care of myself.

I am living without my mom. Every day, I get up and go about my life. But I miss her. And grief impacts a body and a spirit in more ways than I first understood.

No one knows when they will go into labor, how long their labor will last, what it will feel like, how they will react to it, or how it will change them until they experience it.

Grief is such a strange parallel to birth. No one knows how they will enter the journey of grief, how long it will last, what it will feel like or how they will react to it or how it will change them until they experience it.

I've said it before but in order to labor effectively you have to give in to the process. In order to grieve well (yes, I do believe you can grieve well), you have to give in to the process.

I'm learning.

I'm growing.

I'm giving in.

I'm reaching out.

I'm transforming.

And I will come out of this on the other side.

Stronger. Wiser. And with a true understanding of the process of grief.

It's a lesson we all have to learn sooner or later.

Every time I do a birth, I feel as though I am giving back a little of what my own Doula gave to me at Jonathan's birth. I will never forget the feeling of comfort and support I had as she slept on my couch after I had been sent home from the hospital for being too early in labor. I remember sitting on my floor having her time contractions and tell me what a good job I was doing. I know now that she must have been exhausted, but she never gave up on me. Truly every single birth I attend, I think of that night and I am honored to be able to give back.

I hope that one day, my learning process into grief will allow me to help someone else through their own grief process. I hope that all the lessons I learn in the arms of people that care will enable me to surround someone else with support and care so that I can continue to give back some of what I have been given.