Ups and Downs

It's currently 1:30am. I am up waiting for a client to let me know she's ready for me to join her. She called at Midnight to tell me her water broke.

I was planning to blog yesterday but the day got away from me. It's probably not smart to blog at 1:30am, but I'm doing it anyway.

Yesterday was a tough day. I'm not fond of the hard days. I was missing my mom a LOT. And I was having a day from hell where nothing could go right. And even the little stuff seemed so much bigger than it was. Everything seemed to fall out of my hands. I fresh, full, big mug of hot coffee slipped from my hands and splattered all over the kitchen and it nearly sent me over the edge. I found a picture of mom and dad in my closet and cried because I missed mom so much. It was just one of the hard days I guess.

Going back a few days...our house was burglarized on Thursday. I swear that when your mom dies you should just get a free pass from other crazy stuff for a while. But I guess that's not the case. The boys and I had gone to homeschool bowling. We had been gone about an hour and a half. When we got home, I checked the mail and then opened the front door. I hear a sound I couldn't place for a minute and then realized it was the door alarm on the back sliding glass door. I peeked around the corner to see the stick out of the door and the screen door open. I immediately ushered the boys out of the house and called 911. The police showed up quickly and entered the house with guns drawn. They swept through it and then waved me in to show me the damage. Someone threw 2 bricks through our kitchen window. One of them shattered the glass door of the oven so between that glass and the window, there was glass everywhere. They exited through the sliding glass door.

On first glance it seemed they only got our Wii. When Olly got home, he found his camcorder missing. Over the week we've found a couple of other things missing as well. I know it could have been much worse, but Olly's camcorder contained his sister's wedding and the Wii...well...Jonathan saved up for that Wii. Olly told him if he saved up 1/2, he'd pay for the other half. Jonathan saved up $180! So, the burglers really stole directly from him. And the look on his face was heartbreaking.

The police were incredible. Forensics came out and dusted for prints and took pictures of foot prints that were left in the house. I think they were actually in the house when we got home and I surprised them. That makes me a feel a little better than to think they watched us leave. But I think of all the trips up to Everett and Arlington when I was gone entire days. If it had happened then, they would have cleaned us out.

So, let's move on to more pleasant things...on Friday, I went and saw Julie & Julia. It was playing at the old theater in Tacoma and it was a great movie and so much fun. The theater was packed and yet, there was an empty seat next to me. I wanted to believe mom was sitting there watching with me. I had many moments during the movie where I got teary eyed because I could truly hear my mom's reactions to various scenes. I'm really glad I went. I just wish mom had been able to go with me in a more physical sense.

This grief stuff is definitely odd. Some days I feel so strong and put together and others I feel like a blubbering mess. I do think that right now my stress level is extra high so that's not helping things. I'm so glad one of my clients is delivering finally. I have 2 others due that I think will go before the end of next week. Everything was starting to stack together and make me nervous and then my stress level rises. Even though I do truly believe everything will work as it should, I still get worked up. I'm a work in progress. ;-)

I was hoping to drive up to the cemetery on Friday. It will be the one month anniversary of mom's death. But I'm not sure if I'll make it with my client load. I'm just waiting to see how I feel about it all. I do know I don't have to be at the cemetery to feel close to her. It's just sort of symbolic for me. It's so odd to think it's only been a month. In some ways it seems so much longer. In other ways, it feels like yesterday.

For the last several months, I've had a bag full of snacks for the boys. We'd bring it to the hospital with us so they'd have snacks while waiting in the waiting room during mom's paracentesis procedures. We'd bring it with us to Arlington. It was our snack bag for all our trips up north. It's been sitting in my living room since mom's funeral. I unpacked it for the first time yesterday and put the bag away. Crazy how something simple can be so hard.

And yet time moves on.

My client just called and said she's ready for me so I'm heading out.

Life goes on. New babies are born. The circle of life continues. And I get to be a part of it all.